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I turn around so we can both face Syd. I see her twists her lips, thinking. “Opportunity,” she says quietly. Hearing her little voice makes me giddy. I squeeze her again, giving her a kiss on the cheek.
Music fills the room from Syd’s phone. I’ve never seen the new Annie, so I’m assuming this is the song Lexi was talking about. I put her down as Syd walks over and grabs her hand. She picks her up and places her on the coffee table.
“Can you sing again for me?” Syd asks, now holding both her hands. She nods as they sway back and forth to the music.
After a few songs, Syd has Lexi dancing and singing all around the living room. My gaze hasn’t left Lexi’s face and a grin hasn’t left mine. When they start singing a song that I actually know, I jump up and join them.
Syd and I fall breathless onto the couch. Lexi jumps in right between us, but she leans against me. I close my eyes, wrapping my arm around her, and kiss the top of her head.
“Sweet girl, you did it,” I whisper.
When I look at Syd, she’s wiping away her tears. I blow out a sigh of relief.
“So, do you take voice lessons?” Syd asks, looking down at Lexi.
“Yes. My mommy says I have a voice like an angel,” she responds quietly. Syd glances quickly at me as my spine stiffens. Does she remember what the doctor told her about her mom?
She looks back down to Lexi and says, “I agree, you do have the voice of an angel.” Syd sweeps her hair out of her face, wrapping it behind her ear.
Lexi is quiet for a few moments then looks up at Sydney. “My mommy is dead,” she says matter-of-factly.
Well, that answers my question. She turns her head in my direction and says, “When can I see her?” My eyebrows furrow, looking at the innocent little face in front of me.
Shit. Didn’t the doctor explain what dead means? I blow out a quick breath. Okay, the doctor told me to be truthful, but kid terms. So what the hell does that mean? I glance to Syd and she shrugs. I run my hand through my hair.
“You go to church, right?” I ask Lexi. She nods her head. “Well …” I pause to gather my thoughts. I don’t want to do this. I briefly look away.
Looking back to her waiting eyes, I reluctantly continue. “So, your mommy, daddy, and brother went to be with God in Heaven.”
Confusion crosses Lexi’s face. “Why didn’t they take me with them?” I drop my head. What I really want to tell her is that she was the lucky one who got to stay.
I pick Lexi up, placing her on my lap. “Lexi, they didn’t want to leave. They didn’t want to leave you.” The doctor’s words echo in my head. Truth. Tell her the truth. I sigh. “A bad man made them go to Heaven.”
Lexi screams, attaching herself to me in her vise grip, “Don’t let him get me,” she cries, digging her head into my chest.
“No, no, no, Lexi. I won’t let anyone hurt you.” My voice hitches as I squeeze her closer to me. So much for being truthful. I’m the worst person ever. I pull out my phone and text the doctor to let her know that Lexi is talking, but I think I messed up. Her reply tells me that she’ll be here in half an hour.
“It’s all my fault,” she whimpers.
I pull her back and lift her chin so she’s looking at me. I know what to say. It’s been repeated to me a million times in my life. Her bottom lip trembles. “Lexi, none of this is your fault. You did nothing wrong,” I say. It sounds weird coming out of my mouth.
“It is,” she hiccups through her cries. “My daddy told me and Sadie to go to bed, but we weren’t tired. He told me if I got up one more time, I would be in big trouble.” She crumbles back down into my chest. I look at Sydney, who looks as lost as I do.
I begin to tell her again that she’s not the reason this happened, but she starts talking again, “I got up one more time to get a snack for me and Sadie.”
I grab my phone and hand it to Sydney and quietly tell her to press record. When I see that she does it, I ask, “What happened next?”
She shakes her head, almost violently, obviously not wanting to talk. “It’s okay, Lexi. You don’t have to talk about it.”
Her cries echo in the room for a few more minutes before she starts talking again. “I was going to my … my room,” she hiccups. “I saw Mommy and Daddy’s light on in their bedroom. I could hear my mommy screaming. I wasn’t supposed to be up. She was mad at me.”
Her guilty cries are killing me. How can I explain to her that it isn’t her fault? None of this is her fault. Her mom was not mad at her. I decide it’s probably best to wait for the doctor.
When a knock at the door sounds, Sydney gets up to answer it. She waves goodbye and gestures for me to call her later. She looks at Lexi and lets out a worried sigh before she turns and leaves. Dr. Terry walks in and sits where Syd just left.
A rough hour later, the doctor decides it’s time to call it a day. She wasn’t able to get much more out of her than what Lexi had already told me, but added that when she heard a noise in her brother’s room, she got scared and hid in the closet while her friend was asleep.
Laughter is definitely the best medicine. Lexi is the most hilarious five-year-old I’ve ever met. And she’s not even trying to be funny. It’s just her personality. She reminds me a lot of Sydney. Sassy and free-spirited.
