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You’re not broken, just a little bent. You can fix bent.
Fight for yourself. I’ll think of you always, love you forever.
~A
I fold it and hand it to Max, instructing him to give it to her when she leaves the hospital. It’s time to move on with my life.
The bullet in my chest hurt less than this.
The weather is abnormally warm outside for a January day, even in Texas. I’ve been told that the sun can help improve your emotional state. But what if you don’t feel anything? Only numbness.
I push off with my foot to keep the swing in motion. The two-seater swing sits out in the front yard. It’s the place I go when I’m feeling claustrophobic inside. We’ve established that when I’m out here I want to be alone, meaning leave me alone, people.
I lean back, lounging across the swing, and cross my legs on the armrest. The slight breeze blows over me, swirling my hair around. It’s been three weeks since I’ve seen Aiden. I’m not sure if it was the broken tree or the look on Aiden’s face as he was walking out the door, but that day was the last day I felt something.
The doctors want to try anti-depressants, but I don’t want any more drugs than I already take. I tell them I’m fine, hoping they’ll believe me. Who am I kidding? I’m not fine. But I’m not ready to be thrown back into my life. The best thing about country life, you don’t have to deal with the hustle and bustle of the outside world. Out here I don’t have to think, I can just be.
I hear the squeak of the front door. Amy comes into my sight, and she looks down at me. “You want to go to the barn with me to feed the horses?” Her smile is hesitant. She already knows my answer.
“Not today. I’m tired,” I say, looking away from her. I hear her softly sigh and walk away.
It’s been a long month. The holidays sped by without a lot of celebration. And I was perfectly fine with that. Amy and Ted tried their best to get me excited. Christmas is usually my favorite holiday. Not this year. This year, I don’t feel like celebrating. I’m finding it hard to feel anything. I’m stuck at blah.
Joe doesn’t visit me too often in my head. Although, I feel him waiting for the chance. It’s like playing with a jack-in-the-box toy. My days are like the turning of the handle and he pops out of nowhere when it’s least expected. I’m still a prisoner, but now it’s my own thoughts keeping me captive. I continue to take a sleeping pill at night. I feel like a child, though, when I’m given one at night. They worry about me taking more than one. It’s degrading they think I might want to end my life. I can’t say the thought has never crossed my mind, but it’s never been more than a thought.
I stick my leg off the side of the swing to push off again. The motion soothes me. Closing my eyes, I breathe in the fresh air. I can hear the horses neighing in the barn. Amy wants me to ride with her, but getting on that huge horse gives me anxiety. I have an overwhelming need to be in control at all times right now.
I lift my head up at the sound of a car coming down the driveway. Not recognizing the car, I sit up and watch it come to a stop. I tense. I look toward the front door and back to the car. A fleeting thought of running inside flashes through my mind. My hand squeezes the chain of the swing as I place both feet on the ground, readying myself to run. I watch the door of the car swing open. When I recognize who gets out, I release the breath I was holding.
Tony? Why would my Krav Maga instructor from New York City be here?
I push off the swing and stand, folding my arms across my chest. He shuts the door and starts walking toward me, smiling.
“Hey, Addison,” he says, like he’s a regular around here.
I open my mouth and then shut it. “Hey?” He laughs at my surprised look. “Tony, what are you doing here?”
He walks over to the swing and sits down. I watch him and then glance around, wondering what I’m missing. He’s a couple thousand miles away from home, yet he’s acting like this is where he should be.
“Sit with me?” he asks, gesturing to the empty spot on the swing.
“I think I’ll stand.”
He clasps his hands together in his lap and looks up at me. I don’t feel like I’m in danger, but I don’t like this feeling of confusion. I don’t have unexpected visitors.
“You look good,” he says warmly.
“Tony, can we get to the part about why you’re here?” I say snidely. I don’t mean to sound like such a bitch, but that control issue I have is rearing its ugly head.
He flashes a crooked smile and shrugs. “I was just in town. Wanted to see if you felt like working out with me.”
My eyes go wide. Really, just felt like dropping by to see if I wanted to work out? I might not be in a good place, but I’m not stupid. That’s coming a long way to just work out.
I run my hand through my hair and put it up in a bun because the wind keeps whipping it in my face. Not because I plan on working out. I purse my lips, trying to get a read on him. Is that really why he’s here?
He stands up, and I take a step back. “I think it’d be good for you.” He takes another step in my direction. I furrow my brows, taking another step back.
“No thanks, Tony. I’m really not in the mood.” My heart starts to race as he takes another step. Why is he pushing this? Chills run up my spine thinking of any man right now touching me. I glance to the front door again, rethinking that I should make a run for it.
