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Somewhere with an excellent cooling and heating system. I’m talking somewhere I can afford sixty-nine degree temps indoors in the summer. Somewhere quiet. Somewhere with less light pollution than the dead center of Atlanta, which isn’t a high bar given your social status, I know, but still. I think I’d like to see the stars every once in a while.
Question 93: Do you consider yourself to be high maintenance?
Absolutely not. Lock me in a room with snacks and the internet for a month. I will thrive.
Question 102: List all five love languages in order of which you find to be most to least important. You may explain if you so desire.
Love speaks more than five languages. It sees. It listens. It adapts. Sometimes, people need kind words. Sometimes, they need a coffee. Sometimes, they need to be held. I can’t rate the importance of how love is expressed any more than I can rate water, food, and air. It’s all important, in different quantities at different frequencies. It just depends on what you need in a given moment and, perhaps, how long it takes between getting what you need before you start to die.
Question 125: How do you deal with change or the unexpected?
Gracious. How many questions are there…?
I could scroll ahead.
But that would give me something to look forward to.
And we won’t be having that.
I deal poorly with the unexpected. My response tends to include internal screaming, and I have been known to throw up. Just not recently.
Question 143: What constitutes cheating?
Acting dishonestly, unfairly, or unfaithfully.
It’s the Google definition. Because I’ve never thought about defining cheating before. I don’t understand why people cheat on the people they claim to love the most. I’d hate myself forever for betraying someone I care about or who cares about me.
Being cared about is a gift.
I’m not one to scorn a gift.
Question 199: Is there anything you’d like to add, say, or share before proceeding to the final question then consenting to submit these answers for the purposes defined previously? My assistant will be in touch with any answers to relevant queries should you be shortlisted.
That poor assistant. Having to deal with all the nonsense of this form, and now my own personal brand of nonsense. They deserve a raise.
I appreciate the thoroughness of this interrogation and the obvious desire to end on a solid 200. Out of curiosity, which questions were stuffed in just to meet that quota? Also, if shortlisted, do I receive a copy of your answers to all these questions? It only seems fair. If you couldn’t tell, I’m not the biggest fan of power imbalances, and the scale already tips oh so heavily in your favor.
Question 200: Why do you want to marry me?
Finally. It’s over. The sense of dull pride rising in my chest is wholly uncalled for, but here it is, bubbling up like fulfillment… Or, actually, that might be the entire cake I just ate. Who can say for sure?
Back to this delightful little question…
Why do I, a perfectly normal young adult, want to become the housewife of a random billionaire whose name I don’t even know because I didn’t bother checking anything before clicking your ad?
Simple.
Easy.
Painless, even.
I really, really hate my job.
Chapter 1
Drown me in a moat, please. I’d like to see a castle before I die.
– Marcella
