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“Kassandra.”
“Fine, no. Yes, you can breathe… I’ll just have to figure out how to control my own scents, I guess. It’s probably no harder than learning to smile correctly. Just need to find the right button that releases a tiny bit of hate from my pores now and again to keep my real feelings safe.”
He chuckles. “If anyone could do that, I’m certain it would be you.”
“I appreciate your support.” I pick a tiny chunk of feta off my pizza. “I appreciate it…quite a lot actually.”
“You are precious to me.”
“I know.”
Humor taints his voice, which is so much better than the regret that has laced it so far. “Can you smell it on me?”
I puff a laugh. “No.” Gracious. I hope I never can. My eyes roll. “It’s just obvious that you aren’t very good at masking some things.” Finishing up my slice, I wipe my hands on a napkin and shift in my seat. “Dreamboy?”
“Hm?” he mumbles around what might be his fourth slice.
“Can I talk to you without any strings or persuasion attached? I don’t want advice. I just want to get some things out of my head.”
“Would you like me to respond at all?”
“Maybe just enough that I know you’re listening and aren’t annoyed?”
“If ever I were annoyed with you, dearest, it would not come between me and how much I care about you. I would not make you guess at the origin of my irritation, either. We would discuss it, because your peace is important to me.”
My heart responds to that, and I wouldn’t be surprised if Pollux could hear it. It makes sense how he knows when I’m not being genuine if he can hear and smell the things I can’t exactly control. All the same, being intentionally vulnerable is harder than being poorly plastic. “I appreciate that,” I offer before I stare out the windshield, at the distance unrolled before us. It’s similar to being in one of my dreams.
Empty and vast.
Almost safe enough and large enough to contain me without making me feel trapped.
I wonder if there’s a reason behind why my dreams now are vacant. As a child, they used to be so full of people… But now, I’ve run out of the hope that people will ever be anything other than exhaustion.
Now, I’d rather be alone than spend so much energy navigating them.
“It’s hard to be myself at home,” I say.
“Is it?”
I swallow. “I feel obligated to do whatever I can to make sure my parents don’t worry about me. They asked about the field trip when I got home, and I automatically smiled and laughed and said it was normal. Josh fell a lot. The other kids laughed at him. Everyone seemed to have a good time. They asked about you specifically—”
“Because they’re likely obsessed with me.”
I laugh. “Yes, okay. I’m glad I’m not the only one who recognizes that.” Moving my attention off the distance, I find Pollux, who is incredibly good at neutral discussion, apparently. I wonder if it comes from being a girl dad. “They asked about you, and I just told them that you skated with your daughter, and it was very adorable.”
“Adorable?”
“Incredibly.”
He makes a low sound and gets another slice of pizza.
“I was worried sick about you, but I just smiled through their taunts and said whatever I needed to in order to get safely to my room. I meant to come see you immediately, but I was exhausted. I don’t even remember getting in bed.” My lungs tighten around an inhale. “Being with you is feeling like I can do or say anything without disappointment. I threaten violence, and you say—”
“Please.”
My heart skips. I close my fingers against my skirt. It’s snowmen today, because of the ice skating, and the encroaching cold. Little, fuzzy snowmen with tiny carrot noses and elegant top hats. “Right.” I clear my throat. “I hate knowing that this feeling of hiding so much isn’t normal. I hate feeling like I’ll cause problems if I don’t. I hate the way it seems so much like I’m lying with every part of myself to the people I care most about in this entire world. I don’t want to disappoint them. I don’t want to blame them. I don’t…want to have to be the person I need to be outside in front of them anymore.”
“But it’s uncomfortable to think about how they might react to more genuine pieces of you as though they are the foreign ones?”
