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It’s a lot to take in over cucumber on rye, which is what I made for myself after letting Willow and Alana know I was vegetarian and would, unfortunately, not be partaking of their Thanksgiving rooster. They did not understand I was attempting to politely escape. They just emptied everything in the kitchen that could be made into a sandwich onto the kitchen table.
“You should have called me the second you saw him,” Zylus mutters as he pissily constructs his sandwich from the various ingredients in front of me.
“Alana’s stronger than you,” Willow informs him, merciless.
“Alana is less trained than I.”
Willow sips hot chocolate, daintily, out of a glass teacup. “She’s also friends with the poor lonely villain boy whose villain arc is somewhat dependent on a lack of acceptance, as far as I can tell. Shoving him further away from the hope that friendship is magic doesn’t help anyone.”
Zylus slaps some plain mayo onto his bread. “He kissed your cheek.”
“I know. Now I can mark starting a scandal with a villainous rake off my bucket list.”
Zylus glares.
Willow takes another little sip.
Alana adds an obscene number of corn chip scoops to her sandwich before pressing the pumpernickel slices together and cutting them in four small triangles. “Castor isn’t bad,” she says.
“You have no idea what he’s done.” Zylus lets his shoulders sag as he softens his expression. “He acts without remorse, and his reckless abandon has caused so much harm.”
“He’s fae,” Alana says.
“That is no excuse.”
“It may not be an excuse, but it can be a reason. All of us were human once, and we are in an environment that promotes care. I’ve gone with Cael to other environments in Faerie. I’ve seen wilder places and darker schemes, even among the seelie. On some level, I know what it feels like to have a scream caught in your chest and no one around to hear it or help.” Alana bites into her sandwich, chews, and swallows. “Castor isn’t bad. He’s on the verge of breaking. The people he trusted to understand him didn’t. The person he looked up to the most kept things from him. He is fae, so he is different. But he met those like him during an age when they feared the differences he wanted to embrace. Instead of teaching him how to safely be himself, he was taught to subdue what he was. That hurts. Even when it comes from a place of good intentions.”
That hurts. Even when it comes from a place of good intentions.
My thoughts wrap around those words as I find Alana’s eyes.
She smiles at me. “Are you well, Kass? You’ve been processing, and you’re welcome to continue, but your voice is ready to be heard when you are ready to share it.”
Something akin to dread settles heavily in my chest. I try to force a new smile and assure her I’m fine, really. Totally okay over here. But…I can’t.
I started this excursion with questions I didn’t know how to correctly broach.
And I’ve done nothing but hold them inside as more and more compile.
Asking any of them feels like the start of a child’s why, why, why train, and I’ve never once been able to reach a satisfactory conclusion whenever I tumble down that spiraling path.
Near every time I’ve spoken what I’m really thinking, I’ve learned that my voice is not ready to be heard. I am far too much for the average person to handle. So I bottle myself up into bite-size pieces.
Maybe being around Alana and Willow is what it’s like to choke on something that hasn’t been tediously chipped down. I barely know what to do or how to respond to all of the beautiful things that are…them.
“Pollux told me about how you were all human once,” I whisper, looking toward Zylus. “How long has it been for you?”
He catches my eye. “I don’t quite remember. It’s been centuries since I shed the humanity I once claimed.”
“How…did you all cope with so many changes? How can you be so calm in the face of danger?” Putting my sandwich down, I wipe my hands on a napkin then fold my fingers in my lap, against hundreds of tiny sewn bumblebees. “I’m a teacher. Part of my job is to create a safe environment for my littles. How can I do that if there’s so much threatening everything around them? So much unknown that I can’t even warn them of?”
“What are you talking about?” Willow lowers her cup. “There’s always unknown. This is just a new collection of options inside that never-ending mass. At any given moment, without warning, a tree could fall on top of us. You never know when a bad person might decide you’re the next target. Brittny was nearly assaulted, raped, and kidnapped at a Walmart a few months ago. By humans.”
Alana coughs, choking on her own hot chocolate. “My baby sister was what now?”
Willow waves the question off. “It’s fine. Ollie took care of it. The point is: unknown bad stuff is all over the place. You prepare for it just like you prepare for anything else. There’s a different issue making it hard to breathe right now. What is it?”
My heart thumps as Willow looks through me, dark makeup framing piercing gray eyes.
