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“That’s…” My head spins, and I can barely put all the words he’s saying together. He didn’t wait for me, but I didn’t wait for him, either. Sure, he knew a mate existed for him and I didn’t, but I think he means something more than the dating I’ve done…
Rather, he told me before that he never takes girls out. So he must mean everything but dating.
“During the past year?” I whisper as I force myself to pull out of his arms. “Have you been with others since you found me?”
His throat bobs as tension swells between us. “Does it matter?”
My heart breaks, and my voice cracks, “Yes.”
“No. I haven’t. I have hardly looked at another woman since I found you. Since I found you, you have consumed my every thought, my every dream, my every nightmare. You are all I have ever wanted, and the time before you feels like a dark blur.” His jaw tightens, and a muscle ticks. “But, but, my sunshine, that blur is a swamp of skin and heat and careless moments that should have been yours.”
Lifting my hands, I frame his cheeks as tears fall across his painted skin. “Ollie. You’ve been faithful to me?”
Trembling, he touches the back of one of my hands. “The moment I saw you, you owned my heart. I could not even bring myself to try to forget you in anyone else. But the damage has been done. I have tried to undo my reputation in this past year, but I don’t know how completely I have succeeded. If it were possible for you to be with me without giving up everything that’s important to you, I don’t know how long you would have to suffer through watching my past crawl from the shadows at unexpected times.”
“Does it matter so long as you reject each one?”
“Of course it matters. I knew you existed. Somewhere. At some time. And I…” He drops his fingers from my hand. “I still… I still turned myself into someone who belonged to everyone. Not an ounce of sincerity marked any of it.” A ragged breath shakes his lungs. “My only feeble defense is that I did not know it would be like this, but by the time I so much as thought about what having a mate might mean, it was already too late.”
“It’s not too late.”
“It is. You deserve someone as bright and genuine as you. I don’t know how to become that now, after years of pretending that’s all I was. I am not—”
I cover his mouth with my palm. “Ollie. Look at me.”
He lifts his downcast eyes, fixing them on mine.
“I understand guilt. I’ve spent my entire life propelled by the sense of it doused in the terror of disappointment. Thank you for telling me the truth. I know human words are cheap, but I promise I don’t think less of you.” I let my hand drop into my lap. “I don’t know how to deal with the idea that moving forward means my family…won’t be able to see me anymore…but…”
“Brittny, I can’t let you—”
“You wouldn’t let me. Whatever happens, it will be my choice.”
“You were going to compromise and have five kids just because you thought I wanted them. I cannot let you sacrifice so much on my account. Especially when I did not sacrifice on yours.”
A laugh bursts from me. “What are you talking about?”
Confusion riddles through his eyes as he searches between mine.
“You’ve eaten dog food for the past year for me. Do I need to show you my Instagram catalog of all the outfits you tolerated me putting you in? Or how about your Leopard, where you have dozens of videos of songs you wrote for me?”
“Do not confuse sacrifice with atonement or coping with penitence. I have been nothing but selfish for my entire life. When I gave up trying to meet the standards of my family, I decided to only do what made me feel marginally better. Compared to me, you are the sun. You are blinding. And in that frail moment when you were weak and I could almost look at you, I drew too close. I lost myself in your warmth. And now I’ve given you impossible decisions and pain as my gratitude.”
“You’re much too hard on yourself.”
“No. I have never been hard on myself. I have always done whatever is easiest. I have fully embraced my role as a lap dog—uselessly cosmetic. I want better for you.”
My hands close into fists. “Right. Better for me. Just like my mother wants every time she tries to guilt me into going back home. When do I get to decide what’s better for me?”
“When you actually do, Brittny.” His voice hardens. “When you actually do decide what is better for you, you’ll stop giving so much of yourself to others for their sake. You’ll stop overworking yourself in a job you don’t like. You’ll listen to your needs instead of putting everyone else’s wants above them.”
“You don’t trust me?”
His eyes close. “Brittny.”
I stand. “No. You don’t trust me. I’m just a lying human to you.”
“You know I don’t think that. I have said so.”
