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I focus on the road markers as they pass. “Why?”
“You’re just trying to look out for your sister, and I… You didn’t deserve the harsh response I gave you.”
This is so much softer than arguments with Noah always went. I don’t even know why my heart is beating so fast. A momentary conflict he’s already taking responsibility for shouldn’t terrify me to the depths of my bones.
Right?
“I’m sorry I don’t understand much of anything,” I whisper.
“It’s not your fault. It’s my job to teach you. You…you’re supposed to be mine, Brittny. I’m supposed to take care of you and make you happy. I’m not supposed to coat you in fear and panic or listen to your heart shake. I don’t know how to explain myself without hurting you. I’m so overwhelmed whenever I think about what I’ve done that I can hardly breathe.” He wraps his arm around his head and tucks his knees to his chest, making himself so, so small. “I love you. Every moment I’ve had with you. Every blessing of watching you exist, even when I knew I shouldn’t have been anywhere near you. Your smile alone does things to me. And thinking of a life without you is almost as hard as thinking of one where I condemn you to…” His voice fades, trickling away. Then he whispers a vague, “Everything.”
Loving a mate is a choice.
Claiming a mate is also supposed to be.
I took that away from him.
And…he speaks about condemnation so often, it’s almost as though he never planned for us to end up here at all. He wasn’t just taking his time to work up his courage, be better, or reconcile needing to say, hey, I’m your lifelong partner, and—due to an accident that feels emasculating—I’m also kind of your chihuahua…
He was getting the feelings out and to me. So he’d never need to face them.
He told me he wanted me last time my thoughts drifted down this path. That doesn’t mean he intended to have me.
“Ollie.” My mouth feels dry. “Were you ever planning to claim me?”
The silence thickens, syrupy and hot, like molasses in my lungs. “No, Brittny. I wasn’t.”
Those simple words strike me to my core. They hurt. Even though I knew the answer before I asked.
“I did want to. Quite badly. I just couldn’t… I couldn’t bring myself to even entertain the idea.” He exhales. “Now that it’s happened, there’s so much to consider. I don’t know what the future looks like. Talking about your sister, whom you clearly adore, leaving your family, which obviously loves you…” His fist buries itself in his hair. “I’m sorry. I have a lot on my mind right now.”
I merge into the left lane to make room for a truck. “When we get home, we need to have a discussion. About everything. There will be note cards.”
Ollie lifts his head, looking over his shoulder at me. “Note…cards?”
“On very rare occasions, I like to pretend I’m organized. We need to visualize the future you’re so scared of if we’re going to move forward, so we’re both going to pretend to be organized and figure it out together. Okay?”
“Should I be scared?”
“Nooo.”
“I should be scared, shouldn’t I?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Ollie sighs, yet again, and deflates. “Your humanity is showing.”
“It’s looks cute on me, don’t it?” I grin.
That pulls the frailest smile from him, and he murmurs, “Yeah.”
Chapter 18
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pipe cleaner cabins and faerie oaths.
I feel bad.
