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“Did you read my letters?” He’s rubbing my arms again, but my walls are firmly in place. I won’t let his touch skew my mind. I deserve to have him on his hands and knees for me, groveling for my forgiveness.
“No,” I state blandly. They are stacked up in my closet, unopened, stowed away in a shoe box. “I wasn’t ready to hear what you had to say. I wanted it on my terms, on my timetable. Plus, I wanted to see your face as you begged for forgiveness.”
His jaw clenches at that. I know he’s spent time behind bars but he has no one to blame but himself. A lonely time at that, but I wanted him to stew in the reality he created for himself, before I let him back into my heart. Reading those letters would’ve clouded my judgment.
“Just read them, please,” he begs, squeezing my arms. “Then after I’ll agree with whatever you decide. I’ll even lay down and let you walk all over me. If you need me to kiss your feet before putting on your shoes for you. If you need me to follow you around like a lovesick puppy until you forgive me, then that’s what I’ll do. Even though I’m your Daddy, I don’t care what the world has to say about us. I’ll court you like you should be, and if need be, we can move far, far away to make this work. Please read the letters.”
I push my hands against his hard chest. The air in the room is slowly evaporating and it’s beginning to hurt with each intake of breath. “You aren’t in the position to make demands of me.”
I can’t do this right now. I don’t want to cry in front of him… I don’t want to show him any emotion. Without hearing another word uttered from his lips, I run. The guard doesn’t stop me and the front of the club is pretty much shut down with the lights turned off. I grab my purse from behind the bar and exit through the front. Did I walk outside wearing only a thong and bustier? Why, yes. Do I give a fuck? Why, fuck you for asking. Besides, I keep a spare set of clothes in the vehicle. I’m not going back to the dressing room so he can corner me there too.
The night air does nothing to help with the pain in my chest and the sting in my eyes. I knew if I didn’t get out of there I was going to break and that’s the last thing I want to do in front of him. I should leave the Tacoma here for him, but I don’t. I’ll leave everything behind later. I’ve saved up enough money to run away at this point. Run away to a place he’ll never find me and I’ll be safe from the pain of being broken again. I need to get home first and pack everything. I’d have left sooner, but I thought I had more time. He must’ve gotten out earlier for good behavior.
It’s only a thirty-minute drive to the townhouse Daddy left me. I changed the locks a long time ago in case he showed up like he did tonight. The night is quiet and the streets are dead, but I’ve grown to love this neighborhood. It’ll be sad to leave this all behind. My chest aches again with the painful reminder.
Once I pull into the driveway, I cut the engine. My cheeks are wet from tears that escape beyond my control and I wipe away at them furiously with the heel of my palm. The memories of when he left cut through my mind like a knife. Faces of classmates laughing at me. Pictures of me posted on lockers before teachers could take them all down. The words written on the girls bathroom wall in red lipstick that stated Swayze loves her daddy as much as she loves stealing your boyfriends. Trash Queen.
I’ve always had it harder than most living in a trailer park with a woman I thought was my mom. But I think it broke something in me when they brought my dad into it. I had to drop out of cheerleading because no one wanted to touch me. They avoided me like a disease because of what Cole said at the party the night Daddy shot me in the leg. I eventually couldn’t take it anymore. I said fuck it all and dropped out of school. My chest heaves with sobs I’ve bottled up for years. He fucked everything up. I think I could’ve made it with him. We could’ve survived it all, moved away, been happy together, but instead he let his irrational fears take over. He should’ve trusted me. The tears drip from my chin and I swipe at them angrily.
“Fuck!” I scream in the cab. My voice cracking on a sob. “Fuck!”
I take deep breaths in and slowly let them out. Calm the fuck down, bitch! That shits in the past. I’m stronger now. Once I’ve soothed my frazzled nerves, I exit the truck and let myself in the townhome. But what I see when I enter stops me in my tracks.
The keys fall from my hands and clatter against the wood flooring. Time seems to stop, swirling in a vortex. I changed the locks. The locks were changed.
Mer.
She’s been pulled from my deep freezer and lies contorted on the floor. I had to manipulate her body like she was playing a fucked up game of Twister in order to fit. My pulse whooshes in my ears. Mer stares at me wide-eyed like she did when I killed her. Her being up close and personal brings me back to the day when I broke her jaw with the hammer, which is the reason for her crooked mouth. The lips that revealed she thought I acted like I was better than her. That’s why she let those men come into my room at night–to fix my attitude, but the only one that ever needed fixing was her. I know that drugs played a big part of it, but I didn’t want to listen to her mouth anymore. I was a child for fuck’s sake. How could you let that happen to any child? Horrific memories flood my mind while I stare at Mer crumpled on the floor. My vision is hyper focused on her face, and I notice ice crystals are lining her features, making her look like a sculpture. I haven’t seen her since stuffing her in her frozen coffin, and now my heart pounds heavy in my chest.
I step back and my eyes snag on the wall of frames that weren’t there before. Squinting my eyes, I see they are displaying letters with scratchy writing.
You are my reason for living. For breathing on this earth. If not for you I’d be nothing more than a sack of flesh left to walk this earth with no purpose in sight.
Heat burns through me and if I had any doubt of who did this, there’s no doubt left.
Nothing you could ever do or say would make me change my mind about you. You’re my brown-eyed girl. My baby girl, and I could never love anyone else.
Spinning, I’m struck by his confession. Forced to see them as he wanted.
I waited for you today. I was hoping today would be the day I’d see your smiling face, but I’m left alone with the regret of what I did. I never meant to hurt you. I hope my jail time is my punishment for all my wrong choices. I’ll spend my life making it up to you.
Even though he’s forced this on me. I’m not breaking down like I thought I would. The pain that filled my heart is slowly burning and melding together. Now replaced with longing as I gaze upon another letter.
Your curly hair invades my dreams. I feel the brush of it along my skin and I want to run my fingers through it like I did when I held you in my arms. You’re all I dream about inside these four concrete walls. The way you’re so fierce and fiery lights me up inside. I’m proud to call you my daughter and anyone who would judge us can get fucked by the cold metal of my pistol. You and me against the world, baby girl.
And another. But this one… this one’s different, there aren’t any creases from being folded. The words sear themselves into my brain. I’m lighter with relief at not having to explain myself. They make me feel seen for the first time in my life.
I saved this story for last…for when I left the prison and the guards tasked with reading our mail. One day, I killed a man. He was friends with Kyle and he told me everything he knew about Mer. How she sold you to him and what he did to you. My baby girl…
I did it while in the showers. I broke every one of his fingers and each one of his toes. I let a few friends bend him over and take a pound of flesh in your honor. I used a bar of soap to cover his screams. I wedged it so far down his throat he ended up suffocating on his snot and tears. No one will ever hurt you again, and I’ll snap the throat of anyone who’s ever touched you.
Someone clearing their throat causes me to jump and whirl around in place. His grand gesture had knocked all sense from my brain and I’d forgotten to close the door behind me. I’m assuming this is his way of showing me that he couldn’t care less about what I had done to Mer. Daddy’s there leaning against the door frame looking like Jeffery Dean Morgan in a leather jacket, his slicked back hair. He’s changed into more casual attire, but his cock is still prominent in his acid washed jeans. My chest warms at the sight of him, and when I walk in his direction, the friction between my thighs makes me want him to climb him like a tree.
“Daddy,” I breathe, peering down at our feet. I’m not sure I can look him in the eye after those letters and there’s more I still haven’t read. I feel like a complete bitch. “I’m—”
He cuts me off with his hand over my mouth. “No, baby girl. I deserved every bit of eight years away from you. It gave me time to think and reflect on how much I fucked up. Surprisingly, no matter how many times I told you when you were younger that Daddy knows best, I was actually wrong. Sometimes I don’t always know best and have to learn my lessons.” Removing his hand from my mouth, he grabs my chin between his thumb and forefinger. He pulls on my bottom lip as he does and tingles race down my spine. “Nothing you could ever do will make me not love you.” He gives a small nod in Mer’s direction. “That’s only a bump in the road, baby girl.”
And as if my body is a car in a high speed chase, I throw myself at him with so much momentum I’m shocked I don’t tackle him to the floor. Our lips connect, melding together. His are plush and giving as I take from him. He’s allowing me this time to dominate him. Serenity blooms in my chest and I take the kiss deeper, running my tongue over his. He tastes of spearmint and I want to eat him up. I know I’ll never get enough of him.
