AllFreeNovel
Share Us
Sigh. I’m not being fair. He’s been nothing but supportive, and I’m shutting him out. It’s not exactly him that has me pushing away, though. It’s being vulnerable. Kissing someone is such an intimate thing already. And that felt like much more than a kiss. What exactly, I’m not sure. And that terrifies me. But none of it is Colt's fault. This is all on me and the disaster that I am. I find the courage to stand up and open the door, where I find him sitting right outside my room. His whiskey eyes are heavy, pained.
“You don’t scare me,” I say.
A ghost of a smile appears on his face. “Good.”
“I don’t know how to handle… this.” I motion between us. Colt sits and listens, not looking the least bit irritated while I figure out my words. “You make me feel… a lot. And I don’t know what to do with that. It overwhelms me, and I don’t do well with being overwhelmed.” It’s the most honest I’ve ever been with anyone. And the words are pouring out without a second thought. There’s a risk opening up, but I want him to know that me shutting him out wasn’t his doing.
“Will you sit with me?” Colt looks up at me with puppy dog eyes.
“How about I sit across from you? Make sure we each keep our distance.” I walk to the opposite wall, sliding down.
“Deal,” he gives a lazy smile. “Tell me, what are you most scared of?”
“Starting heavy, huh?” I cock an eyebrow, trying to fight the panic creeping up my throat.
“I want to get to know you.” He pauses. “All of you. If you’ll let me.”
“I’m a slow burn,” I warn.
“And I, Colt Gibson, am nothing if not a patient man.” I can’t help but smile. He has a confidence about him, about us, that is infectious. “Tell me what you’re afraid of, Libs.”
“Losing control.” He keeps his eyes on me and nods, as if he understands. And that has me wanting to keep talking.
“If I don’t have control, it makes it easier for things to go wrong. To go bad.” Once again, the word vomit starts. “My childhood was like walking on a tightrope over a volcano. If I fell off, the lava would burn me alive. But it wasn’t just the tightrope that I had to worry about, because at any given moment, the volcano could erupt on its own, no matter what I did.” I lean my head against the wall as I recall all the old feelings. Only they’re not that old. They’ve crept back into my life slowly but surely over the last five years.
“Who was the volcano?” I drop my eyes to Colt. How does he know?
As if seeing the question on my face, he clarifies, “Nobody willingly tightropes over a volcano, and if they do, they leave when they’re done. You never left, which means you never had a choice. So, who in your life was your volcano?”
This is definitely a risky move. If I let him in, there’s no going back. It’s ammo he could use against me if he wants. But against all my anxieties, my gut tells me it will be okay. In for four, out for four. “My father.”
There’s a pause as he absorbs what I said. “Was he always a bad guy?”
“Yes and no,” I say before clearing my throat. “He raped my mom shortly after they started dating and wanted her to get an abortion when he found out about me. She obviously didn’t, but they still stayed together until I was seventeen. He beat her the whole time.” Colt keeps his focus on me, never interjecting or giving a glimpse of what he’s thinking. “He liked to yell. A lot. And once I was old enough, he pushed me around too. But he wasn’t always so angry. He could also be really fun. There just wasn’t any knowing when he was going to lose it over something… or nothing,” I shrug.
“Don’t do that,” Colt pleads.
“Do what?”
“Shrug like that. Don’t invalidate yourself. What you went through as a kid wasn’t something you could help, and it sure as hell wasn’t your fault. It makes sense that you came out with some trauma. I hate it for you, but all the demons you carry and the struggles you have, they’re valid.” I look away, not being able to handle the certainty of his words. But there’s a pull that has me bringing my eyes back to his. They’re still fixed on me, unwavering. Gaining courage, I turn the tables on him.
“And what’s your biggest fear, Gibson?”
His jaw clenches, like he’s struggling with the thought. “Losing control.”
“You cannot use my answer,” I say incredulously.
“It’s the truth, just not in the same way you fear it.”
“Explain.” I pin him with a glare. If this is a joke to him, then I've misgauged the entire thing.
“You fear losing control because bad things can happen.” The look on his face shifts and shadows start forming. “I fear losing control because I can become the bad thing that happens.”
The whole room starts to spin. How did I not sense that Colt was a bad guy? I should have. He even told me he likes to live dangerously. But I was too wrapped up in all the good he shoved my way, distracted me with. I’ve been a fool and now I let yet another man into my head, only to have him become a liability to the comfort I’m trying to hold on to.
“Libby, look at me.” But I only scoff. He can’t be serious. I just told him one of my deepest fears, the reason it’s there, and he admitted he’s exactly that. “Libs, please. I can see you spiraling, but I need you to understand what I’m saying.”
Remembering the space he gave me to say my peace without judgment, I reluctantly set my gaze back on him.
