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For long moments, all I can do is gulp down breath after breath and blink away my tears. They won’t help me anyway.
Lying here like this doesn’t help me either.
“Fuck it.” I sit up and kneel on the floor, breathing through my mouth to block out my own scent. “Six months is long enough to throw myself a pity party.”
Reaching for my phone plugged in beside my mattress, I dial Cayenne, knowing it will be the middle of the night for her.
She answers on the third ring. “You okay?” she asks. She doesn’t ask why I’m calling her or if I know what time it is, just if I’m okay.
Everyone deserves a friendship like that.
The sob that bursts from me is accompanied by a long, low whine.
“What happened?” She is on instant alert, and I hear her moving through her room. A few things crash before her fingers fly over her keyboard.
The only electronic I have in this entire apartment is this burner phone. It’s safer this way. No television. No landline. No tablets. No alarm clocks.
According to Cayenne, if she can hack it, anyone can.
“Nothing.” I sniffle and try like hell to get my shit together. “I can’t wallow anymore.”
Cayenne blows out a breath. “What are you going to do about it?”
“I’m a sitting duck.” I press speakerphone and stand up, setting the phone on the mattress as I strip out of my silk jammies. “I can’t… I need control. Help me regain my control.”
“On it.” Her fingers clack over the keyboard, giving me a minute to breathe before she starts spitting options. “There is a gun range two miles from you. That’s option one.”
I’m already shaking my head before she even gets the words out. “I’d just end up shooting myself in the foot.”
“You’re right.” She snorts, and I hear her yawn.
“I’m sorry for waking you.”
“Stop right there,” she says, her voice firm but warm. “Don’t you dare apologize. You are my person, Aria. If you think I won’t burn the world for you, then you need to rethink our friendship.” Her words wrap around me like a hug, and for a moment, I can almost feel her beside me, fierce and loyal as always.
“I know you would. I just feel like an energy vampire.”
“Some days,” she agrees, making me feel shitty. “Sometimes, I’m the vampire,” she whispers, “and you never hesitate to step up. That’s friendship, Aria.”
“Promise?”
“Cross my heart,” she murmurs. “There is a yoga class in an hour four blocks away. It may help with your anxiety.”
“Noted, but keep going.” I grab a sports bra. If worse comes to worse, I’ll jog to release my pent-up energy. I hate jogging, but I will so I can focus on how much I hate it over how much I’ve lost control over my life.
“Group therapy?” she tosses out.
“No.” Hell no.
Laughing, she offers, “Judo. There is a class in half an hour, but it’s across town.”
“Get me a car.” I nearly stumble over my own feet, grabbing sweatpants and a T-shirt that’s covered in what I’m pretty sure is dinner from last night’s take-out session.
“Five minutes,” she says, clacking. When it pauses, she says, “I’m proud of you, Aria. Go kick some ass.”
I plan to.
Several minutes later, I’m down the steps and just walking up to the curb when a window rolls down, and a man in his early fifties smiles at me. “Aria?”
