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Fear, excitement, dread, shame, guilt and anxiety swarmed like an unstable cyclone inside my body, fueled by a surge of adrenaline. My flight hormone had enhanced the potency of the mix and created a feeling within me I couldn’t recognize nor could I have described it with words. I felt light-headed from my rapid heart rate as I walked in a fog, my mind desperate for words of comfort that may have brought courage and a feeling of settled peace.
“All right, we’re here.” James’ words jolted me out of my muddled state but sounded distant in comparison to the blood rushing in my ears and the booming heartbeat that had taken residence there. Our eyes met and a frown immediately creased his brow. His breath hitched and he blew it out, and I knew from the concerned look in his eyes, he had figured the next thing he said to me mattered.
“Tricia, trust me, she’s your daughter and no matter what, the least that can happen when we walk back through this door is you’ll know what a beautiful woman she grew to be and how well she has done with her life. How can that be negative?”
The words he had chosen had been perfect. He hadn’t reassured me I’d feel as if the past thirty years of pain would dissolve in a heartbeat, or that she would fling her arms around me and all the hurt between us would instantly be washed away.
I liked he hadn’t made light of the hurdles that may always remain between Erin and me, but inferred after we met our lives would go on. The worst that could happen could still provide us with small significant pieces of a much larger jigsaw, at the very least.
James took my hand again, his warm palm sliding against mine as he pulled on the handle of the sports bar door and held it open for me to enter. For a few seconds, I stared at my feet until we came to a halt beside the wooden hospitality stand. Glancing up, I saw a dark-haired man about the same age as us. “James, great to see you. We need to catch up for a beer.”
“I know, I know … I’ve been busy.” He smirked, gazing toward me with a smile on his face.
“So I see.” The good-looking guy grinned knowingly.
“Tricia, I don’t know if you remember my good friend, Brian?” James asked.
Inside my heart flipped in somersaults as the two men spoke and I wanted to scream I couldn’t have given two fucks who he was. I shook my head no, even though he was vaguely familiar to look at. I lifted my gaze and glanced impatiently around the room. My heart stopped for a beat and a jolt of electricity threw it back in motion.
“Is Erin here?” I heard him ask, as my hand left his and my feet moved toward a younger version of me who moved toward me at the same stalking pace I took. Every step closer to her was accompanied by a rough swallow as I fought desperately to tamp emotional swells in my throat that had threatened to choke me.
Chapter Three
“Mom?” she asked, the word halting all movement in my legs, my body, my heart. I stood paralyzed by the sound of a voice not dissimilar to mine; calling me by a name I never thought would ever be directed toward me.
“Tricia?” I heard James question from behind, and realized I hadn’t responded. I couldn’t move, or even react, as my whole body stiffened in defense to the moment I’d secretly fantasized about for nearly two thirds of my lifetime.
Coming up behind me, James laid a gentle hand on the base of my spine and as soon as he came alongside me, he continued walking, urging me forward. The move was both welcomed and subtle, exactly what I’d needed to jolt my thoughts back to the present.
Next thing I knew, Erin’s arms had been wrapped around my neck while mine were clasped tightly around her back. We both sobbed quietly, and neither of us had exchanged another word. There wasn’t one to define a moment such as that.
I had no idea how long we stood there, but it was Erin who pulled out of our embrace first. The loss of her warmth surrounding me instilled a sense of panic within me. Immediately I knew, without doubt, I’d take whatever relationship she wanted from then on. I’d been the one who had let her go, therefore, I had decided before we went there, if Erin had wanted to come back, then the terms should be set by her.
“Shall we take a seat, ladies?” James interjected; sounding every part the assertive businessman I’d learned he was.
“Great idea, I don’t know about you, but my legs feel like Jell-O right now,” Erin replied, flashing a nervous smile toward James after directing her answer toward me.
James signaled us to a booth and both of us slid into the seats. James took one next to me.
“Erin, I need to be straight with you,” James said, rubbing his hands together, the only sign of nerves I’d seen from him during the whole situation. “When I came to meet with you, I already suspected Tricia was your mom. When I saw you, I was sure, even before the DNA test was done. Tricia and I are together, so I need to apologize for stringing you along.”
Erin frowned. “I don’t understand.”
“The circumstances around your adoption were so traumatic for Tricia, she had never spoken about it to anyone until she told me.” James stopped and looked toward me. “I hope you don’t mind me filling in the gaps a little, then I’ll make myself scarce and leave you two to talk.”
I nodded, thankful he was taking some of the strain from me and allowing me to gather my own thoughts for what I’d wanted to say next. In my head, in the days leading up to meeting my daughter, I’d thought of so many ways I had envisioned our initial conversations going, but when it had come down to it, I had been struggling for coherent thought when faced with the beautiful woman I’d given birth to.
“Tricia has been in therapy for the last year. The story surrounding your adoption is your birth mom’s to tell, but there are some aspects I’m sure you’ll both have questions about. When Marnie mentioned the connection between you and her from the DNA test, we were shocked because Marnie had no idea what had happened to Tricia. The moment she mentioned you, both of us suspected you could be Tricia’s daughter. Hence, my offer to help. It was delicate… still is, but I am here to support you in any way that I can.”
Erin glanced toward me, and her gorgeous hazel eyes ticked back and forth over my face, like she couldn’t believe what she was seeing, before she glanced back toward James with a worried look on her face.
Reaching out she placed her hand just short of mine on the table. “I didn’t contact anyone with the intention of making trouble for you, or to force you to be something you don’t want. All I want is the truth. Like you, I have so many questions and no one to ask, and to be frank, I really wanted some honest conversations. I grew up having no idea I was adopted. In fact, had my father not gone into kidney failure I may never have known.”
“I don’t understand,” I frowned. “How could you not know? Surely, you’d have seen your birth certificate. Wouldn’t my details have been there … doesn’t it mention you were adopted somewhere?”
When she scoffed and looked toward James, I wondered if she’d told him this part of the story already and he’d kept the details from me.
“My adoption was buried beneath secrets and lies. My parents were desperate to have a baby. They’d tried for six years before my mom got pregnant. Naturally, they were ecstatic when she finally conceived and at eight weeks along my mom’s pregnancy was progressing fine. She had seen an obstetrician and had some prenatal tests done. Unfortunately, at twelve weeks she lost the baby.”
