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When she didn’t reply but looked guilty, fury tightened my chest and I drew in a long breath as I gathered my composure. “How did that feel when you saw me resist you? You have no idea how I resented you after that. Do you know your little move cost me my relationship?” I scoffed at my reprimand because it was hypocritical. It had been my poor resistance to her when I’d first seen her that had sent Juliette packing.
“I know, Billie told me. I thought of calling you, but… well, that’s in the past, I guess, but we’re here now and I wanted to apologize for how I was back then.”
“What is wrong with you? You’re so fucked up. Any normal person would be embarrassed to show their face after what you did.” To her credit she looked horrified and ashamed, but mainly she looked hurt. My heart clenched regardless of how she had treated me when I saw how uncomfortable I’d made her.
Physically, my body reacted in the same way as it always did when she was near. Even as warning bells sounded loud and clear in my head, my hands curled into fists because I’d wanted to reach out and touch her. Juliette had been right, what I felt toward Tricia was a gravitational pull I had no power to ignore.
“There was a time when I’d wanted this insane attraction we share to burst into flames, but since I met Juliette, using women for sexual gratification hasn’t interested me anymore. I’m done with that phase in my life. Besides, you made it clear that you weren’t up for anything else so …” I shrugged, feeling old and predictable for thinking I wanted to settle down.
My eyes narrowed as I watched her rub one hand over the other, her focus on them for a moment until she lifted her head and looked me directly in the eyes.
“That night of the wedding, that was only supposed to be a bit of fun… and it was,” she added quickly, “except it meant much more than that for me… more than I’d expected to feel… I… I didn’t see you coming,” she said quietly, her tired tone making her sound regretful.
“I’m confused, Tricia. That isn’t true. You made it very clear what you wanted from me,” I snapped.
“At the time I thought I did, but that’s not what I mean. I never wanted to get attached but I guess you’re different from anyone else I’ve met.” She sighed and appeared nervous as she stared down at her hands. Focusing and twisting a gold ring with a large sapphire gem protruding from it. “I made it my life’s work not to get attached to guys … not ever.”
“So you said,” I snapped again.
“No, James, what I mean is I can’t control how I feel about you.”
“Because having feelings for someone is an awful prospect?” I responded sarcastically.
“Until recently, I was too focused on living my life in the present. One day at a time, every single day. I felt if I had encouraged you, it would have led to thoughts of the future, which would only end in heartache for us both. Billie told me what Charlotte did to you, and I didn’t want to be another of your mistakes.”
My heart pounded at the thought she couldn’t see herself living her life any other way. Living in the present was fine for people in their twenties and thirties, but looking into her eyes I saw regrets and that made it difficult to believe she didn’t want a future with someone.
Edging my chair closer, I stayed seated but crooked my index finger under her chin to see her eyes better before I could stop myself. She looked up at me and her eyes softened. They closed as she relished in my caring touch. “You sound so sure you’d have been a mistake, why is that? Tricia, did something happen to you?” I asked, suddenly more concerned.
Tilting her head, she gave me a sideward glance. She smiled sadly, before her shoulders slumped. “From the minute I saw you I was instantly attracted to you. That didn’t come as a revelation to me, we’ve all had that happen at some point in our lives, even if we’d never acted upon it.”
“Right,” I replied, agreeing. I could appreciate that comment. There had been women I’d been drawn to that had visually appealed to me, but for one reason or another it had been as far as the connection went. Is that what happened here? I dismissed that thought because she was the one who had searched me out again.
“That said, as time went on, I desperately wanted to touch you,” Tricia, added. “I’ll admit my first thoughts had been full of lust, and I wanted to see you naked.” She chuckled. “When you spoke, sometimes I couldn’t concentrate on what you were saying because I became transfixed on your hands, how you sat, the way your smile reached your eyes and shone mischievously when you said something amusing,” she replied, completely unabashed.
“Same,” I admitted before I’d thought about answering. I couldn’t have denied it anyway; she’d made me feel the same way. “But you’re not making sense. Why did you shun me the way you did if you felt all of those things? What changed how you felt?”
“That’s just it, nothing changed. My feelings just kept on growing. It’s complicated… I’m complicated. When I’m near you I feel excited—get dizzy, have butterflies fluttering inside—my heart skips beats.” Sighing she held her hands wide. “Fuck, I sound crazy… desperate even. I’m a middle-aged woman who feels like she’s fourteen again. You do something to my heart I haven’t felt since…” She looked lost for words and her eyes darkened for a moment. Taking a breath she blew it out and shook her head. “From day one, when I walked into Billie and Sawyer’s place, I lost my ability to function normally around you… well, what was normal for me, anyway. And during the times when you weren’t there, I found myself dropping your name in conversation, just so as I could say it out loud.”
“You have no idea what you did to me, still do to me, despite the years,” I replied, possibility and hope burning in my chest that we were finally on the same page.
“Yes, I knew…I saw,” she admitted and hugged herself sadly. “You look at me like you’re starving. If I’m honest that terrifies me because I know that look. That’s how I imagine I look at you too.”
“Let me get this straight, you don’t want to date me because you have feelings for me?” My tone was clipped. It was a fucked-up statement. “I really don’t get it. You want me but you don’t want to want me.”
Shame lowered her eyes before she bit her lip and looked around the room. “Yeah, I guess, and my behavior after the wedding was for both of our sakes. I know I was harsh. I pretended to fall asleep because I didn’t trust myself to allow you to stay.”
I sighed. “The first time I excused, even though I was hurt… it was a hookup. Our second time was frantic and desperate, two sex-starved people with the chemistry we shared, losing control. However, that last time it happened was different and after an entirely different situation. We had spent a special day together, a family day where we had laughed, supported Sawyer and Billie, and worked as a team. Don’t tell me you weren’t happy that night… there were feelings involved. That day was one of the best of my life, my heart had felt light, like we’d made progress, and when you kicked me out again after such a perfect day, it wrecked me.”
She flinched; a wounded look of regret dulled her normally vibrant eyes. “I know,” she blurted. “I know,” she repeated in almost in a whisper. “I need order in my life, independence and order. I can’t be responsible for someone else’s feelings when I’m hardly responsible for my own. I needed you to hate me, because I didn’t feel strong enough to fight how I felt about you. I wasn’t strong enough to resist you. Seeing you again, I’m still not strong enough.” She held up her hands in a helpless gesture. “That’s why I’m here. I know what you think of me—what most people think.”
“And what do I think?”
“That I’m this cougar who devours men and moves on.”
My chest tightened because it was close to the impression she had given me. “Aren’t you? Don’t answer that, how you choose to live—”
“I’m not that person. Do I date a lot? Absolutely. Life gets depressing when you have too much time to think, but sharing the company of men isn’t the same as sleeping with them. For a single woman in her forties, I’d say my record of sleeping with six guys isn’t all that bad. But you … before you… until you.” She huffed as she tried to organize her thoughts. “I had never taken any man home.” Her confession made my heart stop for a beat.
