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A cocktail of sadness, guilt, and shame pricked at my conscience when I did, because even though my reaction to Tricia hadn’t been welcomed, I had been ridiculously powerless to fight it.
Hearing my response appeared to satisfy Juliette, who sighed and rested her head on my chest. Immediately I cradled it with my free hand, but I felt like a traitor when my eyes intentionally scanned the yard and sought where Tricia had gone. I reasoned with myself this was to avoid her, but if that was the case, then why did my public display of affection toward Juliette suddenly feel oddly wrong?
Sawyer’s comment from earlier that day came back to me again, stirring more unwelcome thoughts in my mind. How do I feel about Juliette? Is what we have enough? If I had already had difficulty quantifying how I felt about my girl, I was even more confused since I’d crossed paths with Tricia.
For most of the rest of the day, I could neither concentrate on conversation nor could I stop my eyes from gravitating toward Tricia. Fortunately, Juliette appeared blind to notice my distraction and had been caught up by the attention of many of Hammer’s friends.
As time passed and evening came upon us, we settled down in the various mismatched patio loungers, small bamboo sofas, and chairs people had donated to Hammer to furnish his new yard. Eventually we ate, but by then, due to my funk about seeing Tricia I’d drank copious amounts alcohol, much more than I’d intended to drink. I had always been careful not to get drunk since I’d woken balls deep in Charlotte, however I trusted Juliette to see me right and I had let my guard down.
A small pang of envy squeezed in my chest at how right Sawyer had gotten the balance in his life and how great of a fuckup I’d been in mine until a few years before. It was easy to learn how Sawyer had grown in maturity through the stories he, Hammer, and some of their musician friends had told. Despite laughing and looking relaxed with the group, there wasn’t one moment when I hadn’t been acutely aware of Tricia’s presence in that yard.
It was impossible to miss; once I knew she was there she appeared larger than life. For a while she and her partner had gone into the kitchen and I thought perhaps they’d left, but when they came back, she sat down directly opposite Juliette and me, with her handsome beau, Mick, in tow.
As I cuddled Juliette, I really didn’t want to be that guy, the one with his arms around one woman and closely watching every move of another. I tried not to do that to Juliette, but I knew my eyes were being drawn to her repeatedly, so with little option left, I decided I’d rather leave. Standing a little unsteady, I excused myself and headed toward the house to take a breath and to relieve myself.
Sitting across from her had felt painfully awkward and I was conscious she had been watching me. It had felt like the weirdest feeling as Juliette laid her head on my shoulder, clinging possessively with both hands, while Tricia locked eyes with me and blatantly stared me down.
I told myself I was being ridiculous, that Juliette was the one I was with, yet I had still felt uncomfortable, even mindful of how my being with Juliette had made Tricia feel. Why the fuck did that matter to me?
As unsettled as I felt, my mind was paralyzed from the moment I’d seen her. Try as I may to ignore her, Tricia continued to dominate all of my thoughts. For a few minutes, I felt as if my head would explode and I was glad I’d walked away from the oppressive atmosphere. If I hadn’t been interrupted, I may have said or done something stupid.
Billie came into view as I entered the kitchen. My sweet sister-in-law looked concerned and stepped forward, blocking my path. After she gave me an affectionate hug, she took a step back. Worry immediately etched her face and I frowned.
“Everything all right?” I asked.
“I met your… girlfriend earlier. I had no idea you were bringing anyone with you today.”
“To be honest, I toyed with telling Saw, but then figured I’d surprise you all instead,” I replied with a small smile.
Nodding, she looked thoughtful before she drew a hesitant breath. “You saw Tricia?” My back stiffened and I fought against showing her how annoyed I felt that she’d brought her friend into our conversation. What happened with us had been brief and long past. “How do you feel seeing her again?”
Narrowing my eyes, I assessed my sister-in-law’s mood and wondered if what she’d asked was a genuine question or a fishing expedition on behalf of her friend. I shrugged and tried to look nonchalant.
“I’m not sure what you mean,” I hedged, keeping my eyes locked into hers, suddenly aware of how I looked in response.
“You know she’s here, I … I mean you talked to her?” Again, I wasn’t sure whether Billie had seen our brief meeting earlier in the afternoon and was testing me. Could she have seen us? It was possible she’d missed it because she had placed herself on kitchen duty during the afternoon.
“I did, we said hi, and moved on. Anything else?” My tone was sharper than I’d intended, and knew immediately I’d attracted more of Billie’s attention than I’d have liked. Most of the conversations I’d had with my sister-in-law had been cordial. In fact, until then, I’d have gone as far as to say there were times when I’d felt closer to Billie than toward any of my sisters. She was a fair woman who’d experienced injustice in her life before Sawyer. I guessed that was part of the reason why she had been able to believe in me about Charlotte.
“Maybe someday, one of you two will let me in on the big secret I’ve missed, James.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” My eyes flared in shock when I realized there had been no friendly disclosure from Tricia regarding us.
“You tell me, because it would appear, you both go missing every time there’s a party or family event, and I can’t mention one of you to the other without being blasted for making an inquiry, like you did just now.”
Snappy Billie was rarely someone I’d met in the time I had known her. I sighed heavily and felt all the tension in my chest dissipate in relief. Tricia had never told her that she’d shot me down. Running a hand through my hair, I considered how much to tell her, but I figured she deserved a CliffNotes explanation.
“Look, you’d have to speak to Tricia to get information of what goes on in her head, but if you didn’t know already, we hooked up… a few times over about a seven month period. I was wary… I didn’t want to do anything that would rock the boat with you guys… I mean you and Tricia or between you and Sawyer, given he’s my brother. Tricia was the instigator…not that I resisted, you understand. Anyway, each occasion happened around you and Sawyer.” She scrunched her brow, clearly confused by my explanation.
“The first time was after your wedding. “Afterward, from my point of view … let’s say I would have been happy if something had developed between us. Obviously, that didn’t happen. That was Tricia’s decision, but when she made all the moves, I couldn’t turn her down. I wanted her and was happy to oblige.” I gave her a sheepish smile.
“I don’t get it, James. It’s obvious by the way she avoids talking to me, she has a thing for you.”
I scoffed, “You think? I’d have to disagree. Look, I know she’s your friend, but Tricia wants fuck buddies not relationships.” I glanced back over my shoulder, my eyes scanning the room to ensure no one else was in earshot. “The second time we hooked up was when you invited her to dinner when I picked Colby up from school because there was no one else, and the last time was when we were the rescue team because you were pregnant and Logan came for Christmas.”
“You already told us about the evening of the wedding, and I know you went home with her that Christmas night—that night you came to dinner—I had no idea about.”
“Yeah? So…” I dropped my gaze and toyed with a tray of melon slices on a nearby table. “I called a halt to what we were doing after that because … well … I’m sorry, I know she’s your friend, but I’m a little long in the tooth to be someone’s fuck buddy.”
