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Tricia and James took the opportunity of Billie lying down to stack the dishwasher full of dirty dishes before she got back up, leaving Logan and me in the sitting room alone.
As far as I was concerned there was no awkward silence. I’d asked him to do something for Billie and his son and he’d delivered.
“Thanks for today, I know it couldn’t have been an easy decision for you to come here and play happy families.”
“When you first asked me I felt angry, no incensed actually, that you had the gall to lay down the law between me and my family.” I almost challenged him with the point about his family again, but I let it slide in acknowledgment of his deed. He’d been stretched every which way from his comfort zone as a divorced father.
“I figured that was the case when we spoke, but the situation for Colby is a delicate one. He’s got siblings on the way he’ll live with for most of the time, and every now and again he leaves to visit you. That won’t be easy, but I want to reinforce to you that it has never been my nor Billie’s intention to exclude Colby from your life. She knows more than anyone what it’s like not to identify with her father.”
“These past few years have been a fucking minefield for me and I’ve staggered around like a blind man, between the affair; which should never have happened, the divorce and breaking up with Poppy.”
“And Billie was on the receiving end of all of that,” I said in my wife’s defense. “I know what you think when you look at her,” I confessed without malice. “You wish you could turn the clock back and have that time again.” He stared blankly at me but didn’t deny my truth. “But … now you have a different life to build, one where you can reconcile your future with your past.”
“How do I do this? I feel stuck, lost, stupid. Hell, at times I feel certifiable for what I walked away from.”
“I’m not the man you should be talking to about this, because I know I have all that you want, but she’s not coming back, Logan. Never.” My voice was calm and what I said may have sounded like a callous thing to say, but it was the truth and he had to hear it, absorb it, and move on from it.
“If that’s the case, then I can only say I hate you, but I thank you, which sounds bi-polar to say, because, if it weren’t for you I don’t know where we’d be. But when I look at how my family live, how you care for them, love them …” he choked, looked down at his hands, and rubbed them together.
Despite what he’d done, my heart went out to him and I figured we could both have done with a large glass of scotch at that point. But he was sober and that was another struggle he lived with every day.
As if they’d been listening, Tricia and James came back from the kitchen and plonked themselves down on the couch looking worn out. “Right, I’m going to shove off in a few minutes. How did you get here, Logan?” James asked.
“I came by cab, I wasn’t sure if there was guest parking with it being the holiday season, so I didn’t want to chance not being able to get a space.”
“All right, I’ll give you a ride home.” Turning to me he asked. “Do you want to wake Billie and I’ll get Colby so they can say their goodbyes?” I nodded and stood, my concerned eyes catching Logan’s again and I turned and headed toward the bedroom.
Stepping into the hallway I blew out a breath, my chest heavy, a brick weight centered square in my stomach. It hadn’t given me pleasure to see a man on his knees, no matter how he’d come to be on them.
Twice I noticed Logan’s eyes drop to take in my wife’s stomach as everyone said their goodbyes, but I kept their departures short and breathed a sigh of relief when I closed the door behind them. Fortunately, Colby had gone straight back to his room after seeing everyone out, because when I turned to look at Billie, she burst into another bout of tears.
* * *
By 8:00 p.m. Billie and I were curled up on the couch, a glass of Perrier water in her hand and a large overdue scotch in mine. No one had drunk during the day, as neither Billie nor Logan could, and I wondered if it had been James’s driest Christmas on record.
When James left with Logan, Tricia gathered up her gifts and prepared to leave, stating she was also going home. She had another day off work, and said she wanted to sleep in the following day. However, at the time, Billie and I had felt were being spun a line by her and James.
After an hour, Billie FaceTimed her with the expectation of catching Tricia out, and was initially disappointed when Tricia answered from her own bedroom at home. We both admonished our overactive minds until I spotted the distinctive gray high-dollar designer coat James had worn to our place, strewn casually over her bedside chair. Naturally, not one to be a cock blocker myself, I waited for Billie to conclude the call before I told her what I’d seen.
