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“You used to know me. It’s been nine years, even without the amnesia, I’m a completely different person.”
My heart breaks at her doubt. I had thought we were making progress. That we were moving forward in the right direction, but now I find out it was just me.
I need to do damage control.
“If you think we need to slow down, we can. I know I said that we should get married for Soph and for my business, but we can just stay engaged for a while if marrying me makes you uncomfortable.”
I cringe saying the words. I would do anything to marry her, but I understand that all of this is overwhelming for her. No matter how desperate I am to have her be mine officially, I need to slow down.
She looks up at me and her eyes dart back and forth between mine, looking for some kind of answer.
“I don’t know what I want to do. Everything is so confusing.”
I move my hands from her face and put them back on her hips. I don’t want her to feel crowded by me.
“So why don’t we slow down? We stay engaged, we celebrate our daughter and new baby, and we take the rest day by day?”
Her shoulders drop away from her ears, and I can tell that this plan makes her feel a bit better.
“I know that feeling like we don’t know each other is causing you stress, and I know that you are concerned about my workload, but I can promise you that I’m going to do better. I am going to be better. I’m going to scale back on my work, hire more people, and I’m going to be present in our kids’ lives and be there for you as well. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure you don’t regret this.”
The tears that have been filing her eyes as we speak finally spill over, and I wipe them away with my knuckle.
“Everything that you are worried about now will work out. We will figure everything out and give our kids the best life possible.”
I don’t let her look away from me this time; I want her to see that I mean every word. I want her to look into my eyes and know that I’m telling the truth without a doubt.
“Do you think that it’s a problem that we are having this very serious conversation while we are standing completely naked in the Indian Ocean?”
A roar of laughter bursts out of me at her words.
“I do think we could have chosen a better place for it, but what better way to bare our souls, right?”
She smiles and sniffles. I hate to see her so upset.
“Come on; it’s your birthday. You aren’t supposed to be upset and crying.”
I take one step back and take her hands in mine, leading her a little further out into the water until it’s up to our chests. A shame to cover up her amazing body, but I want her to enjoy the moment. To laugh and have fun.
She wraps her arms around my neck, and because of our height difference, she ends up just floating in the water, her feet kicking to keep her above water.
“Are you happy about the baby?”
I know she’s only asking because she’s worried about how everything is going turn out. I smile reassuringly at her and bring my face closer to hers, kissing her nose, then eyes, then forehead.
“I am thrilled. We are going to have two beautiful children, but I think we should definitely have a boy this time.”
She snorts at me.
“Why? Wanna even the odds?” Her question makes me chuckle.
“Definitely. Plus, a little boy with your deep emerald green eyes and my blonde hair? He’d be fucking adorable.”
She smiles, and I can tell that she’s picturing us having a baby boy. I get caught up in a daydream of what our future could look like too. The four of us together, Tanya, Sophia, the new baby, and me. A happy little family living in New York City. It would be a dream come true for a future I didn’t even think I wanted.
Tanya pulls me from my thoughts when she pushes away from me and starts swimming around. I watch her enjoy the feel of the water; it’s warmer than I thought it’d be.
That feeling clutches at my gut again. She’s pregnant with my child, and I still get the feeling that she’s going to slip through my fingers. I don’t know if it’s because the last time she was pregnant she disappeared from my life for nearly a decade, or if it’s the look in her eyes. The one that looks like she’s preparing to say goodbye to me. I don’t know what more I can do to prove to her that this is where she belongs.
