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I tense when I realize that she’s seen the tattoo I have on my right shoulder blade. It never even occurred to me that it was something I should probably mention to her. I had honestly forgotten about it.
“You have a tattoo! Let me see! Let me see!”
Sophia bounces around me to see my tattoo, and I keep my eyes on Tanya as I feel her little hands grabbing at my shirt.
“It’s Mommy!”
A year after she had been gone, I had taken my favorite picture of her and gotten a tattoo of it on my back. It was a close up of her face from the side, she has a soft, sweet smile on her lips and her eyes are cast down. The tattoo artist had done an amazing job. I guess they would have, with how much money I paid for it.
I keep my eyes locked on Tanya, trying to figure out what she’s feeling.
“Mommy, you look so pretty. Can I get a tattoo?”
The question comes so far out of left field that it takes both Tanya and I by surprise. The look on Tanya’s face makes me bust out into laughter, my hand going to my chest as I laugh. She looks absolutely scandalized at the thought of her eight-year-old daughter getting a tattoo. I see her lips twitch as she tries to hold back her smile, and it only makes me laugh harder. Soph is looking back and forth between us, smiling but also confused on why we are laughing.
I finally get control over my laughter and suck in a deep breath.
“Maybe we can revisit that conversation when you’re older.”
I’m still chuckling as I look between the two, and Tanya just shakes her head.
“I’ll be right back.”
I turn again to go to my room and shower; I can’t seem to keep the smile off of my face.
Once I’m done showering and changing, I take Tanya and Sophia down a level of my building and enter the code to get into their new apartment. I had my house keeper set everything up before they got here, and she should be here now stocking the fridge and cabinets for them.
“My housekeeper should be here. I had her go to the store and get stuff that you would need while here. Let me know if there is anything either of you want or need so I can get it. Uh, also, Tanya, I feel like I should warn you. You knew Lisa before everything happened.”
I glance over at her to gauge her reaction, and she looks uncomfortable to say the least.
The door beeps, and as I grab the handle and start to turn it, I look back at them; they are standing side by side, looking more like mother and daughter than ever, with matching expressions of excitement and nerves.
Each step I take with them fills me with nerves, and my stomach flutters with butterflies. I want them to be happy with me, but I don’t know what to do for that happen. I have more than enough money to buy them whatever they want, and I will do anything they ask of me. I feel like the more I buy for them, the more I can prove to them that I want them in my life.
I finish opening the door, and they follow me in as I walk into the kitchen to introduce them to Lisa.
“Lisa, I want you to meet my daughter Sophia, and you remember Tanya?”
It was odd for me to introduce Tanya to people she technically already knows, but I know she needs it. Lisa turns around, and I can see that her eyes are watery as she looks between Soph and Tanya. She has to clear her throat a couple of time before she can say anything.
“Of course, nice to see you, Tanya, and so nice to meet you, Miss Sophia.”
She smiles at my daughter, and I can see her tracing Soph’s features, looking at how much she looks like me.
“I’m going to show them around the place and help them get settled. Will you have Steven bring up extra keys please?”
Lisa nods, and I motion for the girls, my girls, to walk ahead of me to the living area. The first thing I want to show them is the view. I have the same one from my apartment, but I feel like seeing it in a space that is meant for them would be better. The main area of the apartment is an open floor plan and one whole side of the room is a floor to ceiling window, just like mine. The only difference is that the furnishings are softer looking than mine. The couches are a light gray color and covered in purple pillows. There are vases of flowers placed all around the apartment, and it has a homey feeling to it. Lisa did a good job at giving the place a woman’s touch. The curtains are drawn, and as I push the button for them to part, Sophia lets out an excited gasp and rushes over to my side, gripping onto my pant leg.
“We’re so high up!”
Her eyes are glued to the window and wide with excitement. You can see all of the buildings that surround us, and just past it all, the trees of Central Park.
“We are. The only thing above us right now is my apartment, and then above that is the roof. When we are done here, I can show you what’s up there.”
Her wide blue eyes, so much like mine, look up at me, and already I have so much love for this little girl. Tanya steps up next to us, and I can tell that she is staying as far away from the windows as possible.
Even if she doesn’t remember why, she’s still afraid of heights.
