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We’re facing another right now and he looks lost and nervous. I run my hand along his shoulder and try to relax, waiting for him to start talking.
He takes a very deep breath and then looks at an empty space in the corner of his room.
“As you know, I am a recovering alcoholic. I haven’t always been one, I’m sure somewhere deep down inside I always was since I partied almost as hard in college, but my heavy drinking came to surface when I got into a car accident and lost someone.”
Several deep breaths. He closes his eyes and starts talking again.
“She died, and I was badly injured. I didn’t know she died until after I went through my own surgery. I lived with Dane and Sterling for a while and almost ruined my friendship with them.”
Another deep breath, this one shaky.
“I stopped caring. About everything, I lived in what I would call the crash zone for a year and half, going through a foggy haze of alcohol and women. I’m honestly surprised my intervention didn’t come sooner. When we met, I wasn’t at my best, I was at rock bottom, and I’m sorry for that, I don’t regret our night or what’s become of it, I think though that it contributed to me getting better, I don’t know how but I think that. Anyways, I had just gotten into another car accident, someone wasn’t paying attention when they were changing lanes, and that sent me to a bad place.”
I don’t know if I should say anything, or to continue letting him speak. He said it was a one sided conversation, and I’m sure that he’s heard all the sorries that someone could give. So I sit silent, waiting for him to go on.
He swallows and continues on.
“When we hooked up, I never would have thought that you knew Davis. But since he found me, I assume through you and Sammie – anyways, I have felt guilty for a lot of things since the accident. I lived and she didn’t, I’m moving on with my life and she’s forever stuck, I have feelings for you, but if she didn’t die, then this thing between us, wouldn’t have happened. I feel guilty for moving on, for using women, for drinking and losing my way for a bit, for letting down my friends, for moving you in, and then I feel guilty that I feel these things and I know that I shouldn’t. I know that I need to be the best me for you and for peanut and most of all myself. I’ve had enough talks with Sterling to know that feeling this is okay, especially when presented with something new. But you’re helping me, by not doing anything in particular, but just by you existing and existing with me.”
“I don’t understand the guilt all the way, but I accept it. It’s not something that I can fully control, but I don’t want it to consume me and to obstruct anything in my path, in our path. When Dane mentioned curing me, you are. However unconventional this relationship started, my ducks are messy as fuck, but they’re getting in their rows, they’re in the same pond and that counts. I may say or act weirdly, but rule number three is that we be honest with another and I want nothing more than to be that with you, especially if it speeds up the annihilation of rule number five.” He ends with a wink.
Tears are struggling to stay in, a few lone tears escaped during his confession. Max wipes my cheeks and pulls me to him and hugs me. His arms circle my entire body, and his head lays in the crook of my neck. I feel wetness against my neck and I tighten my arms around him. We sat like that for several minutes, in silence, giving our strength to each other.
* * *
Today,I am 15 weeks pregnant. Pregnancy is weird in that they don’t measure by months, since months sometimes have five weeks in them, but the baby’s gestation is measured by weeks. So that basically means, that pregnancy lasts more to 10 months and not the nine months that has always been told to us growing up.
Everything on the home front has been quiet. Max has been steadily working and going to a few meetings a week. We had his brother and Katrina over for dinner and then the following week, we had Leo and his fiancée over for dinner, and tonight I refused to have anyone come over because now that Max and I have passed the one month mark, rule number five can be exterminated. It’s been a rough sexless month and all I want to do is devour him. But I’m sitting here on the couch, with my feet up on the coffee table, watching one of the housewives shows anticipating him to come home.
Usually, he comes home around now, but the house is silent other than the bickering middle-aged women on the screen in front of me. I check my phone, and there are no messages. I feel like a worried wife, except I have no need to be worried and I’m not a wife. But somewhere in my gut, something is nagging at me.
Suddenly, my cell lights up. I don’t recognize the number, but I know that it’s local.
“Hello?” I answer.
“Tatum? Hey, this is Judy. Leo’s fiancée.”
“Hey Judy. How’s it going?” I ask, slightly nervous for her answer.
“Well, I wanted to let you know that Max has been over here for the past three hours. Leo and him have been talking in the backyard. Max looks, he doesn’t look so good.” She says sadly.
“Do you, do you think or know if he’s been drinking?” I ask, definitely scared of her answer.
“He hasn’t. But since he’s been here for so long, I’ve checked on them a few times, and I know the look he has. He’s stressed or upset, and he’s not handling it well right now, I overheard birthday or something like that, is it your birthday? Anyways, Leo asked me to call their sponsor, that’s how I got your number, when I got Mike’s number from his phone.”
“No it’s not my birthday, but I have a feeling I know what’s going on. Is Mike coming over?”
“Yeah, he’ll be here soon.”
“Judy? What do I do?” This is new territory for me, while I’m aware of how Max feels about me, he still has pent up emotions regarding his ex who passed away. I shouldn’t be jealous, but a part of me is.
“Stay put. Mike will put things into perspective. The good thing is that he’s not drinking and he’s talking to someone.”
“But not me.” I say as a tear falls.
“That doesn’t mean anything. I’ve been where you are. It just means that he needed to talk to someone who understands what he is going through right now. Listen, I’m sorry if I upset you. I’ll let you know when he’s on his way home.” She sounded hopeful.
“Thanks for calling and letting me know.”
