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11
Max
The first fewweeks of rehab was hard. I felt like I was a teenager and was at camp, a fancy camp where you talked about your feelings and the demons that chased you or caused you to drink that overlooked the Pacific Ocean, but still a camp. I struggled for the first few days pretty bad, I went through the shakes and pretty much cried like a baby to sleep. I’m nearly 4 weeks in and 2 days left to go and I’m feeling more solid than I did before. I haven’t had any contact with anyone since the morning that Davis dropped me off. Rather than take only two weeks, I signed up for 4 weeks to make sure that I continued my sobriety. It’s been said that if you do something for 21+ days in a row, it becomes a habit, so I’m giving it a full month for the extra push. My desire to drink isn’t as strong as it was before, but I can sense a small piece of it lingering somewhere within me.
I realize that sobriety would be an on-going thing, but I wanted to create that pattern before I attempted reality.
I want my friends and family to see that I can be strong enough, even though parts of me feel like they’ve already crumbled. I’m granted phone calls, but I’ve refused to make any or take any. I need this time to be able to fix myself. To be truthful, while I know that this was probably the best thing for me, I’m a little angry with Davis for setting this up prior to even talking to me, which is ironic because I was on a week-long drinking binge.
I’ve meditated and talked in groups about everything that has plagued my life within the past year and half. While I’ve struggled immensely with the loss of Betsy, I’ve managed to look at losing her and falling from my own grace as a lesson in life to learn from experiences rather than have experiences control who you are.
While I’m surrounded by other recovering addicts, I haven’t tried to befriend any of the other people living in this Cliffside oasis except for a guy named Leo, who is a few years older than I am.
He and I share a loss of a loved one, his sister and from that we’ve drawn strength from one another. He’s doing a 6 month stint in this place and this would be his final month. Meaning, we’ll both be setting off into the unknown at around the same time. His fiancé dropped him off here at rehab at his request in order to continue with their relationship and plans of marriage.
“Are you nervous at all about being outside this place?” Leo asks as we are sitting poolside on our lounge chairs.
“Yes and no. If we’re being honest. I’m afraid that I will get home and have the urge to walk down to one of the bars, or that I’ll have a flashback of Betsy doing something small and that will drive me to drink like it usually did.”
“The flashbacks? Were they bad?” He asks.
“They weren’t bad, but they were a reminder that she wasn’t there anymore.” I admitted. Sometimes though, I would avoid them by drinking.
We sat in silence for a bit before either of us spoke again. When we did, it was Leo again.
“I’m afraid that I’ll find one of my hidden stashes. I kept them all around my house, inside and out. My fiancé, Judy is always good at finding things, so I’m hoping that she combs the house by the time Friday comes, just in case.” He says.
“Did you tell her where they all were?”
“That’s the problem, I don’t know where they all are. I was really good hiding things when I was drinking, that’s why rehab was the final straw. I would say I was sober, kicked it cold turkey, then I would come across a bottle I had hidden and the next thing I knew I was shit-faced. Judy wasn’t a fan, so instead of my way of quitting, she gave me the ultimatum.”
“Do you think that you guys will be different, like your relationship?”
“I hope not. I’m scared of that to be honest. Maybe she won’t think I’m fun anymore, or that she will no longer love me.”
Again we were silent, our conversations usually weren’t so solemn but we’re both scared shitless that we’ll rebound back.
“When we get out of here, we should do meetings together.” I smile.
“I think that would be a good idea. I got your back dude.” Leo smiles.
“And I yours.”
* * *
I wasn’t expectingSterling to be standing beside her car waiting for me when I emerged from rehab, but I couldn’t have been happier. When she saw me walking down the steps, she had the same smile that she had on her wedding day, plastered on her face. She is genuinely glad to see me and for that I know rehab was a good choice. She pushed off the side of the car and met me halfway and pulled me into a hug. I don’t know how long we stood like that for, but it made all my potential reservations of coming back to the real world so much better.
“I hope you don’t mind that I picked you up.” Sterling stated opening the trunk of her car.
I placed my bag in the trunk and turned to her.
“I think it’s the most fitting. Before we go to my house, do you mind grabbing a quick bite?” I ask. I wanted to talk to her, to apologize, to just listen to her and let her talk to me. Something that while I was in rehab I came to the conclusion that I should have been doing all along.
“Sure, I’ll have to let the guys know. They wanted to order in and celebrate you being home.” She smiles pulling out her phone. She quickly texts something and then pockets the phone and looks up at me and crooks her head to our respective sides to get in.
We stopped off at a dingy diner that had a sign in the window stating they had the best fries in the world.
Of course, I had ordered the fries with my burger and a strawberry milkshake as she ordered a piece of pie and water. We sat quietly for a minute, neither of us knowing how to start.
