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“Sure, but you’ll sleep at my place tonight. I won’t be home, if that’s what you’re worried about.” He seemed serious about his invite, and he clearly wasn’t doing it simply to be nice; he wanted me there.
“Fine,” I gave in, and he nodded, seeming content with my decision.
“I also want to change all your locks.”
“Why? You only need to fix the kitchen door.”
“I’ll feel better if I change all your locks. Please don’t argue with me about this,” he said, and I sighed.
“Fine.”
“Tell me why you were sitting in the dark,” he quickly changed the subject, and I groaned mentally. Even Marie didn’t know that I punished myself annually for my brother’s death.
“It’s my brother’s birthday today,” I told him, and he tilted his head to the side.
“When did he pass away?”
“What makes you think he passed away?” I asked.
“You talked about him in past tense when you were drunk,” he said, and I sighed. I was such a blabber mouth when I was drunk.
“Today, five years ago,” I whispered when he raised his eyebrows as he waited for my response. “Suicide.”
“My condolences.” Sometimes Asher would sound like a robot, and I wondered if he was even human. Why would he say something so generic after I told him my older brother took his own life?
“I didn’t even notice something was wrong with him when he came back from his tour,” I whispered, and he stared at me. “He was in the Marine Corps, and when he came back, I was taking my final exams, so we didn’t spend that much time together. After my last test, we went out for dinner and ended our date with ice cream. He wanted to watch a movie, but I wanted to sleep.”
His eyes were void of any emotion as he stared at me, expecting me to continue, and I still had no idea why his presence brought me such comfort. This stoic, expressionless man offered much more comfort than someone who would want to hug me right now and tell me that everything would be okay.
His silence was soothing.
“I found his letter when I was cleaning his room a few days later, and you won’t believe what it said,” I sighed as I rolled my eyes. I was beginning to tear up as I thought of the contents of that note.
“What did it say?” he spoke softly, and I sniffled.
“He apologized and said he wasn’t as strong as he thought he was. He was only holding on so that he could see me finish college. His tours had left him scarred, and he couldn’t deal with it anymore. He said he was proud of me, and that he knew that I would make something out of myself and live a long life. He felt unfulfilled.” I stared at the green wall behind Asher, as I recalled how much I had cried while reading his letter.
“I feel like I forced him to live a life he didn’t want,” I whispered in the end and scoffed. “Fuck, the only reason he was fighting himself everyday was because I was such a burden on him, and he needed to set me on my own feet before he went away.”
Asher stared at me quietly before he got up from the chair and grabbed my duffle bag, suddenly packing my clothes for me.
“What are you doing?” I whispered as I wiped my tears away, and Asher looked at me briefly before he continued with his task.
“We agreed you’d sleep in my apartment.” He finished packing my bag and pulled it up his shoulder.
“I didn’t think that meant now,” I whispered as I pulled my blankets over my chest. Asher’s back was turned toward me, and I noticed him clenching his fist by his side. “I’m still gonna come, but I just want to be alone for a while.”
“Why are you punishing yourself?” he asked me as he turned back around to face me. “Why do you believe it’s your fault that your brother is gone?”
“I didn’t notice that he wasn’t okay. If only I had spent some time with him and watched a movie with him, maybe then he wouldn’t have taken his life.” My voice was thick with emotion, and Asher shook his head.
“You know it wouldn’t happen that way.” His words shattered my heart, and what hurt me the most was that I knew it was true. Even if I had spent time with him, his letter was confirmation that my brother had been wanting to die for years.
The weight he carried had taken its toll on him, and he didn’t want anything else to do with life again. That dinner date was his goodbye to me. I knew it then, and I still know it now.
But I couldn’t accept it. If I hadn’t been such a burden on him, then maybe his life wouldn’t hurt him as much as it did. Maybe he would be married by now with kids, leading a happy life.
And that was the reason why I punished myself, because he never truly got to be happy.
