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“Nao?” he mumbled, gently tracing the sole of my feet.
“Yes?” I snapped out of my thoughts. Was he asking me to pay attention to the movie? “The movie is good.” I nodded. Who was I trying to convince? He could clearly see I didn’t care about the movie.
He grabbed the remote and switched the monitor off, turning his body to face me. He raised his eyebrows and his eyes stared deeply into mine, and I suddenly felt tempted to utter absolutely anything he wanted to hear.
Alexander’s eyes held an interesting but painful intense gaze, and I guess it really depended on which side of the grass you were on to feel what the gaze meant. At first, I would distinguish his gaze as annoyed, but right now he looked really concerned, like he wanted to get to the bottom of the issue.
Maybe there isn’t an issue and I’m just being dramatic, right?
“Are you all right?” he whispered, and I nodded, licking my lips. I looked away from his gaze and stared at the black screen. Now it just looked like I was lying—which I was, but he didn’t know that.
Weren’t you the one who said running away from your issues makes you seem less courageous than others? Yes, I definitely was the one, and truly I was not courageous at all.
I ran away from Jason, and when he showed up again, I couldn’t even speak for myself. Did I really want a repeat of that with Alexander? Absolutely not. I could tell he cared about me and actually wanted me to have a mind of my own—one of his kinks—but he never talked down to me or made me feel terrible about myself.
So far, he had been honest with me, so what was stopping me from being the same toward him?
“Actually,” I whispered, and he sighed. I could feel his body tense up under my feet, and I wondered if he actually hated confrontation or if it stemmed from something in his past? “Do you ever see us getting serious?” I asked, and my heart was beating out of my chest. If he looked close enough, he would probably see its outline on my shirt.
Oh, I feel so sick. Why did I have to ask?!
“Oh.” Alexander breathed out a long breath. Why did he look so relieved while I was shitting my pants? “Why did you have to ask in that tone?” He smiled, and I laughed awkwardly.
What does he mean?
“What tone?”
“Like it’s something important.” He laughed, and I opened my mouth, trying to respond, but nothing came out. “You scared me.” He put his hand on his chest and looked at the ceiling, still chuckling.
“Alexander, it’s important to me,” I finally said as I tilted my head to the side. “Do you see me and you ever being in a serious relationship?” My voice was firm, but my hands shook badly.
I took in a deep breath, trying to calm down my heart that beat as if I’d just run a marathon. I saw I was not the only one who was uncomfortable.
Alexander pushed my legs off his lap and got up, running his fingers through his hair, smiling. “Do you want ice cream?” he asked, and it only ticked me off further.
“Alexander, I’m serious. Why are you avoiding this?” I asked through clenched teeth, and he groaned, raising his hands in frustration.
“Why ruin a good night with such a stupid question? It doesn’t matter!” he grunted, and turned around, walking to the kitchen. My tongue moved to lick the inside of my cheek.
It doesn’t matter? Is he trying to piss me off? Because it’s fucking working.
“Who are you to decide it doesn’t matter?” I asked, and he turned around, matching my energy.
“Who are you to decide it does matter?”
“Obviously the only one who’s concerned about whatever this shit is!” I motioned between us, and he mumbled under his breath how unreasonable I was. “In case you haven’t noticed, us being together is a risk as it is already. So forgive me for wanting to know if us being together is worth it!”
“So what do you want me to say?” he shouted, and I gritted my teeth. Had he always been an idiot, or was he just afraid of something?
“Tell me if I’m wasting my time? Tell me if I’m the only one who is being delusional in thinking we could ever be in a relationship! Tell me I’m not stupid for falling for you—tell me that what we have is real, and I’m not being crazy. Tell me how you feel!” My eyes became blurry at this point; I had already acknowledged that my heart would never stop beating crazily, no matter how deep I breathed in.
“What will people say?” he asked, and I frowned, raising my hands. Was that all he had to say?
“What people?” I whispered. Was this why he was putting distance between us? Because of people?
Alexander swallowed and put his hands on his waist, sighing he looked down at the ground and kept quiet. His dark locks framed his face as he bobbed his knee, cursing under his breath. He raised his hand and rubbed his shoulder.
So that’s how it is. For some reason, even before he said anything, I just knew whatever he would say wouldn’t be what I wanted to hear.
