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If we didn’t slow down?—
When Ciaran shifted lower to lick my neck, his finger grazed my nipple, causing all reasonable thought to flee. I hissed out in pleasure.
“God, baby,” I moaned, not even caring if he left marks on me. “You feel amazing against me. I want to touch all of you.”
His hands were in my hair, but sometimes he’d reach down to hook his hand behind my knee, as if to open me up to fuck me. Just imagining his cock sliding into me put me close to the edge. I rarely let anyone top me, but I was willing to do anything Ciaran wanted. I knew he didn’t have experience, so instinct must be taking over.
Which meant we needed to slow down. We were quickly violating Ciaran’s nothing below the waist rule. Truth was I didn’t want to rush things either.
My breath hitched in the back of my throat. “If we keep going, Ciaran, I am going to come against you. If that happens, then I’m going to put my mouth on you to make you come. In the moment, it will feel good, but I don’t want you to regret it come tomorrow.”
My ability to harness willpower in that moment was so Herculean an effort that I wanted it engraved on my tombstone.
Ciaran slowed his movements as he digested my words.
His expression was one of bliss. He was clearly lost in the moment and attempting to come back from the brink of sexual insanity. By degrees, Ciaran collapsed on me, breathing heavy against my neck.
“You’re right. Thank you, Matty.”
I rubbed calming circles on his lower back as he came back to his senses.
When I first met Ciaran, I told myself to keep my distance. It was clear I was going to have to resurrect that edict, at least partially, to keep us from going over the edge.
39
CIARAN
“Iclaim temporary insanity,” I said into Matty’s neck once I caught my breath.
“Ciaran, I am not going to lie.” Matty smiled at me as he smoothed down my hair. “It was absolutely the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do in my life.”
I let out a shaky laugh.
Climbing out of his embrace, I settled next to him, curling in like a cat. I still wanted physical contact, but Matty was right. I would regret where our actions would lead to. I flung an arm across his chest and I snuggled in close. His arm pulled me in and a sense of comfort settled into my bones.
I’d been two seconds away from sliding down his body and exploring him with my hands and mouth. It wasn’t fear that kept me from wanting to go all the way. I wanted to go all the way. But I knew that deep down I wasn’t emotionally ready for oral or penetrative sex.
Drew was a big reason why. Not because I was hung up on him. Okay, I was kind of hung up on him, but it was more a confusional hang-up, as if I needed to understand Drew’s motives before I could move on, before I could get closure. Once I’d gained that, I could explore an actual sexual relationship with Matty. Shame filled my chest at the thought of trying to explain all of that to Matty.
I’d half expected Matty to bring up his name when I confronted him about his relationship with Joan and Filipe. Granted, last week Matty saw the bland messages Drew sent back to me. Probably he wasn’t worried about anything.
Lying next to Matty, it took several long moments before my heart rate returned to something of a normal rate, and it took even longer for my flagpole of an erection to simmer down.
“Is this okay?” he asked, indicating our position. He sounded calm, rested.
“It’s perfect,” I murmured as he kissed the top of my head.
Matty hooked the duvet with his foot to hoist it up the bed. From there, he fluffed it enough so that it covered us from the waist down. I stole a glance at his crotch before the blanket settled.
His boxers were no longer tented. It was a relief to know he wasn’t in sexual agony. Still, a thrill went through me thinking about Matthias Vaulteneau being hot and bothered for me.
Matty’s jaw cracked with a yawn, which was contagious.
He mumbled a goodnight, and I slurred a goodnight, and then next thing I knew, early morning sunlight was pouring into the bedroom.
It was obvious we both fell asleep almost immediately last night. I’d always been a sound sleeper, but I’d never fallen asleep in someone’s arms before.
We weren’t snuggling like the way we fell asleep. No, Matty’s leg was flung across mine, pinning me down, and his arm was jammed into the side of my ass.
