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MATTHIAS
Ciaran was silent on the trip back home. Nerves? Second thoughts? Did he have regrets?
The dimly lit path smelled of kicked-up dust, wildflowers, and the sharp odor of wild succulent plants. As we passed behind certain estates, I’d smell cigar smoke or fresh bread. Some houses had a baker on hand to bake goods for the next day.
I stole a few glances at Ciaran. Thankfully, he continued to hold my hand, even though we were no longer climbing.
I should come clean to him about everything that happened tonight, but I didn’t know where to start. Stories always had a messy beginning and like most things in life, I’d inherited one problem while the other was one of my own making.
In addition to that, I could sense that Ciaran couldn’t put his finger on my relationship with Filipe and Joan. They were, for all intents and purposes, my rock. They’d been there for me for everything—the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Did I love them? Yes. But it wasn’t exactly romantic love. Yes, my feelings could get tangled up when I was lonely or sad. They accepted me, no questions asked. Sometimes when Filipe hugged me, or when Joan kissed me, I didn’t want to let go. They were intuitive enough to know when I needed more.
And sometimes, I needed to take more of what they offered. Joan and Filipe had affection in spades and loved sharing it with me. Being a Vaulteneau meant I didn’t always know who I could trust. Who was in my life due to my family’s wealth, versus those who wanted to get to know the real me?
That’s why people like Joan, Filipe, and Franky were worth their weight in gold.
It occurred to me then that Ciaran was quickly becoming a member of that elite group of people for me.
Even if I never touched him again…even if my lips never pressed against his from this point forward, I knew, deep in my gut, that Ciaran Galbraith was someone I could trust. But by revealing my secrets, I opened up Pandora’s box. I might trust him, but would he trust me after he knew the truth?
I couldn’t risk it.
I couldn’t risk losing him just as soon as he came into my life.
It was selfish of me. But on a night like tonight, when we were walking in silence after lying on the beach and inspecting the stars together, I wanted the fantasy in my head to stretch out for a little while longer.
My brain argued with me: Ciaran didn’t reject you after learning about the penis-coke-snorting incident. He’d understand, and might even approve of, your LAX operation.
Yeah right, I answered back internally. An operation that could get any of us arrested by the authorities while also getting us killed by heavy hitters in the criminal underworld.
How might that conversation go? I like you, Ciaran, but your association with me tonight could get you arrested or killed. Still want to be my boyfriend?
I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t hear Ciaran talking. We’d come to the Vaulteneau pedestrian gate and I entered the code. The gate swung open with nary a sound.
“I’m sorry, what did you say?” I asked, jerking my head to look at him. I made sure the gate locked behind us before I added, “I was lost in my thoughts.”
“I could tell,” Ciaran said. I could hear the smile in his voice. He gently squeezed my hand before letting go. “I said, ‘Penny for your thoughts.’”
The jangle of keys offered a metallic tinkle of music as Ciaran pulled the key ring from his front pocket. We stepped around the messy yard. I mentally added up everything we’d need to clean.
Bedroom closet.
Pool area.
The backyard.
And probably the guesthouse kitchen.
It was too dark to do anything about the outside mess, so we’d tackle that in the morning.
The main house was dark except for the patio porch light, which stayed on if in the event we ever needed to enter the main house at night. Through one of the windows, I could see the gentle glow of the large fish tank.
“I was thinking about everything that needed to be cleaned,” I answered half-truthfully.
Ciaran just stared at me as he unlocked the front door to the guesthouse. I was so sure he could tell I wasn’t telling him everything.
Once inside, he closed the door. Two seconds later, the bolt slid into place with a definitive thunk.
