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I stare out the window of the cab on my way home, trying to convince myself that this shouldn’t hurt. I shouldn’t be in any pain. That kiss means nothing. She means nothing. She’s a student, a roommate, a friend, a fling even. I don’t have feelings for her, and I’m certainly not falling in love with her.
I keep trying to convince myself, but of course, none of it rings true.
Thirty-One
Sadie
“Please come inside,” Jax begs in my car while we’re parked in front of his house. I offered to drive him home since he was clearly drunk. And I’m…very sober.
“I really don’t think it’s a good idea tonight, Jax,” I say, squeezing the steering wheel tight in my grip.
The old me would have climbed out of this car so fast there would have been smoke left in my wake.
The old me might have looked past the fact that he was drunk.
The old me might have looked past the fact that he was a selfish lover in bed. Or that he has a track record of being flaky and dismissive.
But the old me had a weakness for hot men.
Which is exactly how I got myself into this situation in the first place.
At some point, a girl’s gotta learn. Don’t get me wrong, I still want a relationship of some sort with Jax. But after tonight, I’m starting to doubt more and more that that relationship will be romantic. And maybe that’s okay.
“Why not?” he whines. Leaning over to take my hand in his, he interlaces our fingers, squeezing them tight as if that somehow binds me to him like handcuffs. Like if he holds my hand then I’ll have no choice but to follow him to bed.
I rest my head against the headrest and stare at him through the late-night darkness.
“For one, you’re drunk,” I say.
“I am not!” he argues with a condescending tone. As if I didn’t just watch him throw back half a dozen Fireball shots and almost a case of beer.
“Second of all,” I add, “it’s late. I’m tired, but I had fun, and I really appreciate you inviting me out.”
He lets out a despondent sigh as he stares at me from the passenger seat. “I already blew it, didn’t I?” he asks. He looks like a sad puppy who just pissed on the carpet and knows he fucked up.
So I go easy on him. “You didn’t blow it,” I say softly.
I don’t have anything to add to that, so I stay quiet. Internally, I note the fact that Jax considers blowing it or screwing up our chances for a relationship as equal to not getting sex tonight. And that should be a giant red flag right there.
“I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” I offer, trying to end this conversation so he’ll get out of my car.
“I really do think I want to be, you know…” His voice trails as he releases my hand from his grip.
I wait for him to finish his sentence before finally saying, “A what?”
“You know,” he stammers, “a dad, to the, you know, to the baby.”
It takes everything in me not to start laughing. The fact that Jax still seems to be hesitant about whether or not he wants to be the father of this child without fully acknowledging the fact that he is one hundred percent the father of this child is downright hilarious.
Suddenly, I see Jax for exactly what he is: a boy in the body of a man. I don’t know much about his personal life or how he was raised, but I get the sense that Jax was never quite forced to grow up. He’s been coasting by on his good looks, maybe his parents’ money. The adrenaline high of a little bit of fame. And he’s never had to face what true adulthood is like. He lives without consequence, and there’s a good chance he always will.
I tap the top of his hand softly as I say, “I think that’s great, Jax. I really do.” Then I rest both hands back on the steering wheel, and I stare at him as I wait for him to get out of the car.
Eventually, he picks up the signal and opens the door. Before leaving, he leans over, presses his lips to my cheek, and softly whispers, “Night, sexy Sadie.”
“Good night, Jax,” I reply.
On the way home, I replay the entire night in my head. All in all, it was actually a pretty fun evening, but most of my recollection of it featured him. The way he kept talking about how smart I was. The way he constantly watched me. The palpable chemistry between us, even when we were there with other people.
