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Jax has texted me every day this week. And he texted me every day last week too.
I’m doing my best to respond, but this is uncharted territory for me. He’s not texting because he wants a hookup. He’s texting because he wants a relationship.
I don’t know where this came from, but all of a sudden, it’s as if he actually cares about me and this baby. He wants to know how big the baby is, and he wants to see ultrasound pictures.
We had our anatomy scan last week, right before Christmas, and I purposefully didn’t tell Jax about it. Somehow, I knew that if I told him, he’d want to go. But if he went, that would mean Luke couldn’t. And Luke has been at every appointment. It didn’t seem fair to suddenly push him out for someone else.
That someone else being the baby’s father, but still.
I don’t know where Luke and I are, and I don’t know what this is between us. He cares about me, and he cares about the baby. And I can tell that he’s torn. But at the same time, this is so confusing for me.
It’s like he’s acting like the father that’s going to leave as soon as the baby is born. The father that doesn’t love either of us enough to stay. At times, I’m so angry at him for this.
But do I really want him to stay?
Jax is the one that I should want. So why do I feel myself constantly reaching for Luke?
We are having a great little fling, and the sex is amazing, but… We can’t seriously be together, can we?
I’m staring down at my phone as Luke and I meander through the grocery store together. The text from Jax is staring back up at me.
Let me take you out for New Year’s.
My gut twists with guilt. I want to say yes. I should try to make this work. Instead, I pocket my phone without responding.
Luke picks up a box of the same granola he eats every morning and tosses it into the cart. I reach for a box of Captain Crunch and do the same.
“Well, hello there,” a warm, feminine voice says from behind us. Luke and I spin around in surprise to find the hot English professor coming up to greet us.
Shit.
“You two grocery shopping together?” she asks as she glances back and forth between us.
“Uh…” Luke stammers. “Actually, I’m renting out a room to Sadie,” he says quietly as he glances around to make sure no one else can hear.
“Yeah!” I chime in. “He had a room pop up and I was getting some very life-changing news,” I say, as I rub my stomach. “And he sort of swooped in to save the day.”
“Don’t worry,” the hot teacher says as she touches his arm. “Your secret is safe with me. There’s nothing wrong with living in the same building with your professor.”
When her eyes glance back over to me, I sense something devious in her expression. And it has me clamming up.
“It’s actually kind of sweet,” she says as she looks at him.
We make small talk for a moment about the holidays and the start of next semester in a week. She keeps touching his arm like she did in the library, and I busy myself by looking around at the cereal aisle like a child.
“Do you have plans for New Year’s?” she says quietly as if to have a conversation without me in it. “A few of us will be going out and I was wondering if you would like to join us?”
The way she says that makes me feel as if it’s not “us” that she would like him to join, but really him. I’m tensing some more.
“I really appreciate the invitation,” he says in that formal way that Luke talks.
“You’re more than welcome to join,” she says to me. “Although it will be a group of professors so we might be a little more boring than you’re used to.”
“Oh, that’s okay,” I say casually. “I appreciate the invite, though. Luke, you should go. Sounds like fun.”
I can see his throat move as he swallows. “Thanks, I’ll think about it,” he stammers.
“Of course, just text me.”
