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“In high school, my friends and I would get into clubs because someone always knew one of the bouncers, so we would go all the time. That’s where I would get the most attention. And I would make out with a couple of guys or dance with guys and get free drinks and it was always fun.
“But it progressively got worse. Until one weekend, I was out with some friends, and we caught the attention of a group of college guys.”
My molars clench, and my blood feels like it’s boiling in my veins. I don’t know if I can listen to this. I want to go back in time and murder somebody already and I haven’t even heard the whole story yet. I don’t know if I need to. I think I know where this is going.
“Anyway, my friends sort of took off without me. And the guys just kept giving me drinks. And I liked it…at first.”
Her voice cracks as she begins to cry.
“I think for a long time, I blamed myself for what happened. I shouldn’t have been with them. I shouldn’t have flirted so much. But I was young, and I didn’t know any better. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I mean, I don’t even really remember much after we left the club. I just…”
I reach for her, holding her face as if I can protect her from something that has already happened to her.
“I just remember asking them to stop. I remember fighting against them, but I was too drunk. And the next thing I knew, I woke up alone in a hotel room. And…”
I can’t bear to hear the rest. I feel like a coward. I pull her into my chest, her face in my neck as I squeeze her tight.
“I don’t want to ever hear you say that that was your fault again. Do you understand me?” I say in a deep, scolding tone.
She nods against my chest and I feel her tears dripping against my bare skin.
“You didn’t deserve that. That should have never happened to you.”
She nods again, this time with a whimper as she sobs. My throat burns like needles. I’ve never felt so sick with rage in all my life. I don’t know what else to say aside from I’m sorry so I mutter it quietly over and over again as I stroke her hair and her back. It’s not fair that something so awful could happen to someone so perfect and innocent.
As her tears subside, she relaxes against my chest.
“I think that’s why I always dated guys like Jax. Guys who were interested in my body first. I always thought that’s what I deserved. I thought I could make them love me. So when we were at the bar last night, and you talked about how smart I was…” Her voice quivers with her tears.
“I said that because it’s true,” I say.
“I know. I’ve just never had anybody talk about me like that.”
“Sadie, you deserve better,” I say.
“I think I get that now,” she whispers softly. After a few moments, she adds, “So that’s why I always wanted to manage clubs and why I wanted to own one of my own. Because I wanted to give women like me someplace safe. Something we deserve. I wanted to change the world so that nobody ever had to go through what I went through.”
“And you will,” I say with encouragement. “Because that’s the most noble fucking cause I’ve ever heard.”
She laughs against my chest. “I don’t know about that.”
“It is. And I’m sorry for ever making you feel like you needed to do something different to be more important. Because that is important and you are so important.”
She lifts up and presses her lips against mine again. “Thank you,” she whispers.
“You don’t need my approval,” I add. “And you never did.”
A soft smile stretches across her face. “No one has ever made me feel the way you do.”
Suddenly, I remember all the times I berated her. Patronized her. Made her feel as if she needed me to somehow make her life better. And I realize now all of that was such bullshit.
I was the one who was a mess. And what I realize now is just how much I need her.
Thirty-Three
Sadie
The last week has felt like a dream—a dream I do not want to wake up from.
