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I replayed the events of that morning on a loop as I stared, unfocused, out the grimy subway train window. I had an hour commute to Georgia State University, which I usually spent reading or studying before class. But, as the pine trees and single-family homes of suburbia gave way to the skyscrapers and gridlocked highway traffic of Atlanta, my mind was anywhere but on my studies.
It was on a beautiful man inside a beautiful house inside a beautiful life that I’d been dumb enough to think I could actually have.
I spent my school day in a state of physical and emotional hell. Burning eyes. Churning guts. Black hole in my chest. Ken-shaped hole in my life.
I spoke to no one. I ate nothing. I focused all my energy on keeping the tears at bay until I got off the subway train that afternoon. I clenched my teeth as I trudged through the MARTA parking lot, counting the steps until my ass hit the cigarette-burned driver’s seat of my black Mustang hatchback.
Then, I let myself fall apart.
I cried because I felt rejected.
I cried because I felt stupid.
I cried because I’d thought I was done crying over boys.
I cried because I missed him already.
I cried because I knew he wouldn’t miss me back, which reminded me how stupid I was and made me cry even harder.
I cried until I ran out of tears. Then, I took a deep breath, lit a cigarette with shaky fingers, pulled out of the parking lot, and called the one person I knew who wouldn’t try to make me feel better.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Juliet asked, crunching on what sounded like a handful of Romeo’s dinosaur crackers after I told her what had happened. “Are you seriously crying in your car about a guy with no personality and a closet full of ties?”
“Yes!” I wailed.
“Oh my God, B. You’re such a dumbass. So what if he doesn’t love you? You know who will? Literally any…other…guy. Fuck Ken Easton. I know, like, three cute guys I could set you up with right now.”
“Really?” I sniffled.
“Um, hello? Remember Zach? He asks about you all the time.”
“No, he doesn’t.”
“Yes, he does. It’s annoying as shit. Oh my God!” Juliet exclaimed with more excitement than I’d heard out of her in a long time. “Come see me at work tonight! Zach will be there!”
I glanced in the rearview mirror at my puffy eyes and fluffy purple bun with auburn roots. “Ugh. I look like shit.”
“Whatever. Just be there.”
“Okay.” I nodded, swiping the tears from my cheeks. “I’ll come.”
“Yes! I swear to God, B, I’mma find you a new man by the end of the week.”
“You promise?”
“Girl, I fuckin’ pinkie swear.”
Just then, I pulled into Ken’s driveway and had to fight back a fresh wave of tears. Seeing the white house with the red door that I’d once thought I’d get to call home made it all so real. The swing in the gazebo was even swaying a little in the breeze, as if it were waving goodbye.
“Say it.”
“Huh?” I asked, blinking back the moisture in my eyes. “Say what?”
“Are you even listening? Say, Fuck Ken.”
“Oh. Fuck Ken.”
“Now, say, Helllllooooo, Zach.”
