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“Later.” We end the call.
I shove my phone in my pocket and return to the bedroom. Margot’s sitting on the edge of the bed, wearing an oversized T-shirt and a sad expression that gives me pause.
Rooster said he doesn’t need me.
I don’t want to leave.
I really should though. Things were getting too cozy before. Too relationship-y.
“I’m sorry, babe. I gotta go.” I grab my cut off the nightstand.
She blinks up at me. “We never got to the pleasuring you part of the lesson.”
I’m painfully aware of that fact.
“I know. We will.” I give her a cocky wink even though I’m feeling more unsettled than anything right now. “That’s a lesson all on its own.” I force a grin, trying to keep the mood light. My mind’s already back on my bike speeding away from the reality that I’m in deeper than I intended.
Cupping the back of her head, I lean down and press a quick kiss to her lips. The way she melts into me and twists her fingers in my shirt has me questioning everything. I want to stay. I’m aching to climb into bed and stay the night. Pretend we’re more.
“I’m sorry I gotta go,” I whisper against her lips before pulling away.
Without taking my eyes off of her, I slip my cut on, the weight of it grounding me, reminding me of who I am. What I do and what I don’t do.
“Sure.” She tucks her legs up underneath the long T-shirt, the fabric swallowing her small frame. “Is everything okay?”
“Just some club stuff.” Her concern only makes me feel worse. This is exactly what I didn’t want. Feelings. Regret. I like my freedom. Don’t want to feel tethered to another person.
At least I didn’t want that kind of connection before I met her.
Now, I don’t know what I want.
“See you soon?” She won’t even look at me.
“I’ll text you.” I don’t know if that’s a promise.
Or a lie.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Jigsaw
Avoiding Margot is like nailing boards over the windows on a sunny day. The sun’s out. I’ve seen the big orange ball in the sky. Felt its warmth. I can bask in it and enjoy the benefits like a normal human. But I’d rather deny myself and stay in the dark. I’ve denied myself her warmth for weeks. Physically, anyway. Mentally, she’s burrowed into my fucking brain. I like her too damn much, which means I should stay the fuck away from her.
My longing for her grates on my nerves.
Being with her makes me a hypocrite, though—something I hate in other people. I’m supposed to teach Margot to open up and connect with someone on a physical level and I can’t even do it myself. Well, no, physically, our connection is incendiary. It’s all the other connections I want to make with her, outside of the bedroom, that are a problem.
She helps families navigate grief and loss. I help bury and burn bodies.
She has enough darkness in her life. I have no business bringing more into it.
The club’s been a grind. Fixing the damage from the break-in. Helping Rooster re-upload dozens of videos to the websites we maintain, sorting through a mess of digital chaos.
Serena has baby Lincoln and a few of the guys take a trip upstate to Empire Med to congratulate Grinder and Serena.
Tonight, I’m at the clubhouse when some of the guys get back. They threw this party, to “celebrate” Lincoln’s birth, but it’s the farthest thing from a wholesome celebration of new life.
A year ago, I would’ve been right in the thick of things, loving every disgusting minute. Tonight, it makes my skin crawl. I don’t think I could get it up for anyone else, even if I wanted to.
