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SJ squeezed my arm, rubbing it as if to warm me up.
“Come see me at the shop tomorrow, okay? Like, an hour before we open? It’ll be for something good, I promise. Oh, and bring that smashing zip-up you haven’t worn yet. You don’t have to wear it to the store, just bring it. Okay?”
Even with the promise that it would be for something good, I was nervous. “Okay,” I said, though Odai’s best efforts to help me relax that night weren’t enough to take me mind off feeling cornered, and that I didn’t know what for made it worse.
Fluid Fashion opens at eleven on Saturdays, so I am there at ten. I do not wear the zip-up, but I bring it with me in a shoulder bag, dressed in my more common oversized sweatshirt and jeans look. Glasses on. Hair in a messy bun. Amulet tucked beneath my shirt. I’m comfortably hidden and prepared for anything.
Until the first words out of SJ’s mouth are for me to undress.
“What?”
“I am going to give you a makeover.”
“But I don’t—”
“Trust me.” SJ grips my shoulders. In heels, like she’s wearing today, she’s taller than me, which is strangely comforting. “We’re going into the clerk dressing area, I am going to give you pieces to put on to go with that zip-up, but you are not going to look at yourself until I say we’re ready. Don’t even look at the individual pieces of clothes, as much as you can avoid it. And, while I do your makeup, we’re going to talk.”
“Makeup?” There is so much tension in my shoulders, pressing up against her hands. If I let her do this, I’ll have to walk back to Madame Mattie’s looking… who knows what.
“Honey, if you don’t like the way you look when we’re done, I will put you right back the other way again. Okay?”
I briefly wonder how Cas ever says no to SJ. She could bat her eyes and turn on that sweet smile and get me to agree to almost anything. She is so pretty, but also genuine, so completely just… her that I can’t say no.
There are a few workers restocking and getting things ready for when the shop opens, but SJ must have told them to leave us alone. There are public dressing rooms, but also a clerk dressing area so SJ and her employees can change into Fluid Fashion pieces themselves, or to freshen up after lunch, or to just generally go glam when they want to. We have that back area all to ourselves, like getting ready for a stage play.
Some of the clothes SJ hands me make me feel like that is exactly what I am about to do—put on another costume, like Mattie. But I don’t think that’s what SJ means for this to be, so I do as she asks and try to not look too closely at any of the pieces. I can still tell none of it is what I would normally wear, since it involves a crop top, the also cropped zip-up, high-cut jean shorts, and those over-the-knee boots with ruffles and high heels that I saw last time.
All I can picture is a total joke when I imagine what I must look like, but SJ keeps the chair she sits me in aimed away from the mirror. There is an array of makeup on the counter behind me. Since I am fresh-faced, SJ removes my glasses and starts with primer.
“Things seem really good between you and Odai,” she says, “so what had you so upset last night?”
“I wasn’t upset.”
“But you were. Can you try maybe guessing why?”
“I don’t know. I mean, Mrs. Sherman was in the audience. That spooked me a little.”
“You were doing a pretty good job of ignoring her. You seemed off before you saw her standing in the back.”
I did? “So… I was terrible last night?”
“No! You were brilliant. But you weren’t happy. It was like that costume as Mattie was a layer of skin you wanted to peel away, and the only thing keeping you from doing it was thinking that what was underneath was worse.”
Swing Carousel time and more nausea. “Wow, that’s… um…” Tears have sprang to my eyes so suddenly, I don’t know how to will them away.
“Right on the money?” SJ says softly.
“Y-yeah? I mean, I love being Mattie, but lately… maybe always… maybe forever from here on after too, I don’t know what me is supposed to look like.”
SJ switches to foundation, voice as steady as her hand applying it with a sponge. “Tell me. Tell me how you’ve been feeling.”
I sniffle, even as the brush of foundation under my eyes wipes the few early tears away. “Wrong? I know I don’t want to be a girl. I know I don’t want to be nonbinary. So, what does that leave me? Why does knowing what I don’t want to be not make it easier to know what I am? I know I’m gay. That was always easy. Not easy, but once I knew, I never second-guessed it. Something is still missing, still wrong, and being Mattie is as close as I’ve ever come, but it’s not right, and being so close but just shy of right… hurts.” Here come more tears, and I blink my eyes rapidly, so SJ doesn’t have to start over.
She pauses, giving me a minute to collect myself, and then reaches for blush. “I am so sorry, honey. That sounds really tough. And like something that’s been bothering you for a lot longer than I noticed. I sometimes noticed. Cas too. I’m sorry we kept waiting for you to say or do something instead of asking what was wrong.”
You know when people apologize for something and your first instinct is to say, that’s okay? But usually, it’s not okay, and you should never answer an apology with those words. What you say is, “Thank you.”
“I promise I will do my best to never do that again. But I have been thinking about it, and I might have an idea that can help.”
