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Aurelius watched him walk into the silent agora—the stalls wrapped closed in old fabric. Every instinct screamed to just let him leave. To deny him the privilege of seeing him vulnerable. To keep himself locked away, tight and safe, just like all those little stalls.
But as much as he tried to ignore it, each footstep was like a spear to his heart. His breath strained. His chest thundered.
Calix was leaving, never to return. And if he said nothing, this would be the end!
Good riddance! I don’t need him! I don’t need anyone!
(But he saw me.)
His fingernails dug into his elbows. He had watched countless men leave, and he had felt nothing. But now... in this moment...
Let him go!
(But he saw me!)
Tears welled in his eyes as Calix faded into shadows.
(BUT HE SAW ME!)
Aurelius ran, catching up and taking the prince by the arm. “Nihal,” he panted. “His name is Nihal.” Calix gave him a confused look. “Back at the Wax Crack, you asked who hurt me. His name is Nihal.”
Calix’s expression softened. “Go on.”
Aurelius breathed deeply. He had never told the story to anyone. Not even Teigra knew all the details.
“Our families were close. Him being the son of the high priestess of Mesti, me being the eldest son of the archon, it was obvious we would be friends. And from the moment we met, we were inseparable. We could never stand to be out of each other’s space. Until we both hit twelve, and our wrestling became a little more animated.”
“Who realized first?”
“I was the first to kiss him. I didn’t even think about it, about how badly I could have messed everything up. But he returned it—scared but hungry. And that was how things stayed. He wanted it as much as I did. But his fucking family, all their crap about tempering beastly urges and the reason of the goddess? It fucked him up, Calix. It fucked him up bad. In the years that followed, he’d come and go. Say yes and then cry afterward. Promise we would never do it again, then turn up drunk at my door, begging to be with me.”
“What happened?”
“I happened. At fifteen, I told him... I told him that I loved him, all right. I told him that I would go public for him! That I would renounce my birthright! That I would run away and give it all up to be with him!”
Tears flowed down Aurelius’s cheeks.
“And do you know what happened? I didn’t get a love story, Calix. I didn’t get a kiss on a flower-filled balcony! He ran to his parents and told them all about me. About us. He said that I’d corrupted him for all those years. He said he didn’t know what he’d been doing. And I was kicked out of the family home. I was turned out onto the street. I was ostracized in public. I was disinherited. At fifteen I became the beast who corrupted the priest. I got all the fucking punishment without any of the fucking reward!”
Aurelius wiped the tears away aggressively, resentful of their presence.
“So you want to know the truth? Yes, this started as me trying to seduce you for my end. And that was all it was. Because that is all I am, Calix. I am not a good person. I use people. I take advantage of them. I cause scandal and sorrow. Because I know what happens when you open yourself up. When you let someone in. But now...”
His hands were clenched so tightly his forearms shook—in frustration at himself, at Calix, at everything.
“All of the moves were laid out. If you wouldn’t be seduced, then you would be blackmailed. I would share your secrets. I would ruin you without a second’s thought!”
He could barely breathe.
“But I didn’t! And I don’t know what that means, Calix. Because I don’t do this, all right! Whatever this is. But what I do know is that when I see you walking away from me, I just can’t bear it. The thought of never seeing you again makes me want to fall down and scream. It makes me want to smash every stall here to pieces and set them alight. Why? Why? What the fuck is wrong with me?”
He gripped Calix’s tunic, burying his head against his huge chest. The tears cascaded now, drenching the prince’s fine fabric. “What the fuck is wrong with me?”
Calix’s arms surrounded him, strong and warm, pulling him in like he meant something. He didn’t know how long he stayed there, sobbing out the frustration of the last few months. Of the last six fucking years.
When his tears at last settled, Calix rested his head on Aurelius’s own, running fingers down his back. “His name was Terim,” he said, his voice soft as the sea breeze. “My... first. He was one of the first fighters I recruited after I’d been made a captain. He was such a little pain in the ass. Always causing trouble and mischief and making the job our Brotherhood faced that much harder. But as we started our patrols of Greater Ardora, we grew closer. Much closer.”
Calix’s caress was light.
