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But it was the other needs he fulfilled that have the constant stream of tears flowing.
He offered me more protection and safety, and my favorite thing about our twisted dynamic was that he was in charge. He thrives on control and loves being the head of the family. And he’s good at it.
He’s a man who lives in his power. It looks good on him. A wee mite too good.
He’s strong, loyal, and a decision-maker. With him doing it for me, I didn’t have to take on the world. I could live my life fulfilling tasks geared to my strengths, like homemaking.
In addition to him, I had the sister I always wanted in Freya, making all my beauty and social decisions for me while building up my confidence and making sure I had a social life.
And fun.
I had so much support when I was a part of the Burnes family. But he told me to go. I’m back here with my father.
This is my fate.
Tiny bed. Tiny house. Tiny life. Back to wee Fi, the little girl who wasn’t brave enough to make a bigger space for herself in this world…
How did I manage on my own before, the only source of fulfillment codfish and fighting weevils?
No sweet kisses on my lips. No big, rough hands exploring my body.
In that house, in his arms, I felt like a queen.
The first morning I was back, flowers arrived. A stunning array of pink peonies shipped in from London, their delicate scent filling our tiny kitchen. A white envelope nestled between plump blooms, a red wax seal closing it. The stamp in the wax was the boat sailing on Strawberry Grass, which I made just for him. I smiled as I unsealed the paper.
I plucked the card from the envelope.
I’m hanging by a thread without you, Fiona.
Everything I gave you, everything you bought here, belongs to you.
I’m holding off on sending your belongings.
I’ll be waiting.
And hoping.
That you are coming home to me.
All my love,
Your monster
“Och, for freck sake!” I swiped a tear from my eye, not knowing if I felt anger or laughter.
Why send me such beautiful flowers, such an adorable card, when he told me to leave?
“There is no apology anywhere on here, is there?” I flipped the card over, but the back was blank. “I didn’t think so.”
I went to toss the card in the trash but couldn’t.
It’s still sitting in the drawer, under the silverware tray, where I hid it.
It’s been a long, quiet week. I work on my knitting. Mostly, I’m trying my best not to think of Callum.
When I put the kettle on. When I dress. When I undress…
I try to revive my garden. My father comes beside me no matter what chore I’m completing, doing his best to help.
