AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“I wish I was one already.” Libby suddenly looked her age. Young. Vulnerable. Scared, even. “I really hope they’ll both be okay.”
“Oh, baby.” Sasha abandoned her own mug and crossed to hug Libby. “Me, too.”
As Libby’s arms came around her, Sasha’s heart swelled so big it pressed tears into her eyes, but in her periphery, she caught a movement at the door.
Rafael was there, watching them.
This had been the hardest week of Rafael’s life and he’d lived some very hard weeks. This wasn’t about keeping himself alive, though. At least when the odds were stacked against him in the past, he’d been able to do something. He’d been able to fight, one way or another.
There was nothing he could do to help Molly, though. Nothing he could do to ensure his baby lived. Nothing he could say that would lift the burden of worry off Sasha.
It was horrible. It was torture for a man like him. All he could do was throw himself into work, buying time he hoped they would spend with their baby.
Please let their baby arrive safely. He didn’t know how he would survive any other outcome. Sasha would be completely devastated. Everyone would. And he couldn’t help feeling guilty that he had brought this about.
I thought I had to have a baby to keep you. That’s how little trust I had in our marriage.
He understood that completely now, because he had the feeling their marriage wouldn’t survive if their baby didn’t. Which devastated him.
He came into the apartment weary from another day of hiring and delegating, analyzing projections and approving action plans. It felt wrong to relinquish this much control, but he had figured out that if he wanted his marriage to survive, he was going to have to fight for it which meant allowing his business to run itself.
“You’re up,” he said with surprise when he found Sasha sitting in the dimly lit living room, listening to the television.
She clicked it off and removed her sleep mask. “I couldn’t sleep. I had dinner with Patty and Libby. Patty thinks they’ll make the decision to deliver the baby in the next day or two.”
“Oh.” He poured a drink and sat down on the other end of the couch.
“She says she trusts the team and that she’ll join us in the meeting when they talk about the risks, if you want.”
He swore and leaned forward to set his drink on the table.
“She shouldn’t have to do that,” he said. “She shouldn’t be here worrying about her daughter like this. What have I done, Sasha?” He stayed forward, with his elbows on his knees and pushed his hands into his hair. “What the hell have I done?”
“Rafael.” She shifted so she was kneeling beside him. She stroked his back. “Blaming myself is my thing.”
“Don’t joke. Not right now.”
“I’m not. Not really.” Her arms looped around his shoulders as she leaned onto him. The crown of her head rested against the side of his neck. “This was a collective effort. Molly knew the risks. Patty made sure she did. We all went to those counseling sessions and none of us hit the brakes because none of us thought this would happen.”
“What if she can’t have children of her own after this? What if—”
“I know. I think all of those same things, but at some point, we have to forgive ourselves for not owning a crystal ball. For making mistakes and being human and wanting things that maybe we aren’t meant to have.”
“I want our baby.”
“I know. Me, too.”
He sat back and gathered her into his lap. She snuggled into him, leaving one arm around his neck, the other tucked against his rib cage. They sat like that a long time, holding each other.
“I wanted us to have a baby because I didn’t feel secure in our relationship, either,” he admitted with reluctance and shame. “I hate not feeling confident, especially when it comes to you. From the moment I saw you, you consumed me.”
She started to pick up her head, taking a breath to speak, but he slid his hand to cup her neck, silently asking her to stay still and let him finish.
“I knew immediately that you could destroy me, so I fought against allowing it.” He used his thumb to stroke the soft hollow beneath her ear. “Please remember that you didn’t tell me you loved me until I was so jealous of Molly, I could only see green.”
“I should have told you who she was,” she mumbled against his shirt.
“Yes. You should have. We both should have done a lot of things. We are in a hell of our own making, but you’re right. At some point we have to forgive ourselves and each other. We can only move forward from here. I don’t want to lose you, Sasha. Not because it would destroy me if you left, but because you give me a reason to live.”
