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“You’re in love with Fynn?” I ask. But it isn’t really a question.
“Yes.”
I stare at him, then look at Fynn, who seems more surprised by this declaration than I am.
“You expected me to hesitate?”
“No, you never do.” And that’s one of the things I love most about him. Love. I do still love him. And Fynn…he looks at me. I never knew he wanted more from me. “Why…why didn’t you ever tell me?”
“I thought I’d lose you…and I couldn’t bear that…so I made myself happy with what we had. Then TJ made me realize…it was never going to be enough.”
I exhale. Wow. I look between the two of them. The world is spinning. I exhale again. TJ looks different. So confident. But he has always been confident in his feelings hasn’t he. And Fynn. A lifetime together and I kept blinders on. I knew he loved me. But he never said and neither did I. I was afraid those three little words would change everything. And what we had worked…
I look at the floor. Thoughts racing. All three of us…or nothing at all.
“All or nothing?”
TJ furrows his brow and looks at Fynn. Fynn sighs and he glances at me and shakes his head as he looks away.
“Pick a safe word.”
Chapter fifty
My mind goes completely blank. I open my mouth and then close it again.
“Come on you were all excited to have one before…pick one, now.” Nandy takes a small step toward me. His look is stern, but not cold. The fire in his eyes is unmistakable.
I look at Fynn. He is wearing the slightest of smirks on his face. “What’s yours?”
“Rhapsody.”
He says it quickly without hesitation. Which I suppose is the point. You need to be able to call on the word in a second. In a second when your world is spinning in all the wrong ways. When you feel unsafe.
I look at Nandy again. He makes me feel safe. Maybe I don’t need one. I trust him. He is making quite a show of losing his patience with me. But I know better. I can see the excitement in his eyes. The sparkle. He’s happy.
“Fernando.”
He freezes. He blinks and swallows hard. “No. That cannot be your safe word.”
“Why not?” I think it is the perfect choice. He makes me feel safe, secure, he pulled me out of one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had and he did it with such care.
He steps into my space and reaches a hand to my throat. “Because I really fucking like the way you say my name.”
And I really like it when you wrap your hand around my throat. I don’t say that out loud. The swallow he must feel along the palm of his hand says that for me.
“Madison.”
“Madison?”
“Madison. Not the city. It’s someone who makes me feel safe.” That earns me a slight scowl. “She’s a dog…Davey’s dog.”
“Does that work for you…Fernando?”
And that gets fingers ripped into my hair and a tug, exposing my throat to him. I moan and swallow hard again. Nandy licks the hollow of my throat up to my mouth and devours me with his lips. Then he stands back and looks at Fynn and I.
“I’m going to be honest….this is going to be a struggle for me.”
“Which part?” I ask.
