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“I haven’t even started mine, but I will sometime this weekend. I’ll be happy to look over what you have,” he offered.
“Oh my God, that would be great.” I fished out my laptop and powered it back on. After pulling up my paper, I slid it over to him, and the usual tense silence was soon filled with our conversation making the flight more bearable than it usually was. My thoughts stayed off of Callum, and even my mother, making it the first time in weeks that I could honestly say that. When we finally heard the landing announcement, I put my things away, and the two of us promised to get together sometime when in Los Angeles before we went our separate ways once on the ground.
NICOLE
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA
The floor had officially opened up beneath me and I could do nothing more than stare as my mouth hung open in shock. “What!?” I asked, needing to hear it again.
“My cancer has progressed to the point where there’s nothing else that can be done for me,” my mother told us as we all gathered there together.
“What does that mean?” I asked, already knowing, but not accepting the truth until I heard a single word – hospice. I knew what it was, and the very thought of my mother having six weeks or less to live frightened me. What would I ever do without her? What would my father do without her? His reaction had been one of anger, and I suspected there was more to this than met the eye.
“When did you find out?”
“She found out two weeks ago,” my father answered, and I could practically feel and hear the seconds ticking away.
“What?” I hadn’t meant for it to come out as a sob, but it had.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” Nico asked. He was usually the strong one between us, and his silent strength usually helped me in times like this. Even he was angry, and I now knew why.
“But that’s not all, Isa. Is it?” We both looked at our father, then over at our mother.
“I’ve made the decision to not go through hospice. In fact, I’ve chosen to go the route of euthanasia. It—”
“What the fuck?” Nico said as he quickly stood up. “You put down a dying animal, not a wife and mother.”
“I can’t believe this,” I said right afterward.
My mother went on to explain how she’d wanted to spend one last Thanksgiving with the three of us, before taking the drug which would prematurely end her life. She was still very prideful, even in her last days, and I understood wanting to control her own destiny and not suffer anymore, but knowing I now had hours before saying goodbye to her hurt so bad. I’d come to California hoping I’d have this holiday and many more with my mother, only to find out that it’d be the last one ever.
Nico got upset and stormed out of the house, the revving motor of his Harley the only sound I heard before he sped out of the driveway. My father had known about this ahead of time, but he still hadn’t come to terms with it. I could see it in his dark eyes, and also in the way he hung his head. My mother was in tears, and I’d almost wanted to ask her if she was having second thoughts, but she’d answered my question without me even asking it.
“I’ve given this a lot of thought, darling. I’ve tried my best to put on a brave face for you and your brother. Your father sees how much pain I’m in, and he’s going to need you to be strong. I’m going to need you to be. There’s no chance I’ll ever get better, so it’s best to die with dignity rather than suffer incessantly, and put you all through the pain of watching me slip away. I’ve read up on how it is to transition and the most unselfish thing I can do is to spare all of you from watching me as my organs shut down while I gasp to breathe until I finally take my last one and depart this earth.”
And that was that. She made a decision and there was no talking her out of it. Thanksgiving was a bittersweet day. We normally had a large catered meal brought in which we’d eat, then lounge around with another until that night when we’d decorate the tree together. This year, it was all different. Nicolai came in around four in the morning, and I’d only known because I was unable to sleep and staring at my phone willing Callum to call me. Of all the times I needed him, now was it. I’d broken things off with him, though. He had no reason to check up on me when I wouldn’t give him the time of day prior to. Somewhere in my foolishly naïve heart, I’d hoped he would sense my need and do so anyway. He didn’t.
I was a zombie throughout most of the day, until exhaustion finally claimed me and I dozed off downstairs for a nap. A few hours later, I was awakened by my mother. She seemed to be in very high spirits which had falsely given me hope that she’d change her mind. The happiness witnessed was just because she wanted one of her dying memories to be of the four of us decorating the Christmas tree like we did each year.
My brother and father had gone out and picked up the largest, and fullest, Fraser fir tree I’d ever seen. We then spent hours placing every ornament on it, including the ones we’d made as children, and the ones which represented places we’d gone as a family. I hadn’t even seen this box of stuff in years, because in prior years, my mother had gone with a more classical theme which consisted of large, round, teal balls and clear lights. This Thanksgiving would be different. It was a nod to the past, and at some point in time, all of us had shed a tear or two.
We capped off the special night with eggnog and hot chocolates, then watched some of my mother’s favorite movies with her. All of us were exhausted by two AM when we finally called it a night.
Again, it was a fitful one for me with sleep evading me completely. I’d look like an extra on The Walking Dead if this kept up, but I knew today it’d be over. When the sun began creeping in through my curtains, I finally got out of bed. After showering and returning a text message declining Black Friday shopping with Travis, I joined the others.
I was completely numb, even a day later. Yesterday was Thanksgiving, but it felt like anything but. Since Wednesday when I’d arrived in Los Angeles, a dark cloud had hung over me, and for once, it had nothing to do with Callum. God, how I wished I could hear his voice right about now, even if it was to tell me that I’d get through this. At the moment, I wasn’t too sure I would. The craziest thing was that I was taking this the easiest out of everyone else, yet I was completely shattered inside.
My steps were heavy and slowed considerably, the dread and fear setting in. I more resembled a prisoner being led to his execution, rather than a daughter who was about to say goodbye to the single most important person in her life. The tears I’d wanted to keep at bay began to fall, and I was quickly enveloped in my brother’s arms as soon as I walked into the room my mother chose to take her last breath in. This particular en-suite was usually reserved for guests, although I doubted we’d see any of them after this. My father might’ve been a Titan, but he hated people. If he wouldn’t have had that title, he’d live his life as a recluse and be perfectly content for the rest of his days.
My mother looked at the three of us, then asked to speak to my brother first. My father and I left the room, and my heart broke for the man who’d always been my hero. He hadn’t said a word the entire time, and even when I moved closer to him, he just pulled me into his arms and continued his silence. I took the comfort he could give, and waited until my mother had finished with Nico. He was visibly upset and the fact that he didn’t bolt from the house like he had a few days ago let me know that she had to have asked him to stay. He’d never refuse our mother her dying wish.
I went next, and when I closed the door, something struck me about my mother. She was completely made up, and wearing one of her favorite dresses. I’d thought she would simply throw her dark mane up into a ponytail, and be in some sort of nightgown, but she looked as if she was ready to hit one of the black tie events I’d last been to with Callum. Her hair was pinned atop her head, and kept in place with jeweled barrettes I knew belonged to her own mother. Her lips were painted dark red, and the cosmetics actually added color back to her sullen cheeks. She was simply so beautiful, and it wasn’t fair. Life was about to take her from all of us when she still meant so much.
My mother patted the spot in front of her, then asked me to sit. I did, but not as she liked. A few seconds later, I was transported back in time as I sat in front of her while she ran a brush through my hair. This was one of my fondest memories as a child, and the tears I had nearly kept at bay before started to fall, one after the other, until I was sobbing openly. Other than a few words of comfort, my mother just continued to brush my hair as I cried. I had no idea how long that actually was, but when I hiccuped on the final sobs, I then forced myself to calm down.
“My beautiful darling,” she said, and even if she looked like the mother I once remembered, the hoarseness of her voice reflected the pain she was under, bringing me crashing back to reality once more. “Everyone says that you’re a spitting image of me, and that’s always brought me great pleasure to hear. You were the light of my life from the moment I’d first looked into your eyes. Over the years, you’ve made me so incredibly proud to not only know you, but to love you. There’s so many milestones I wanted to be here for, but it wasn’t meant to be. Although I won’t be here in person to see you get your diploma at graduation, walk down the aisle at your wedding, or see you bring your beautiful children into this world, know that I’ll be here in spirit.”
“Mama, I—”
