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“What is?”
I returned to my bed and laid back down before answering him. “People view desire as something romantic, but it’s actually the opposite. For example, take the beginning stages of desire and apply it to our situation. We had one amazing night, and when we reunited, that desire returned. We wanted something we really couldn’t have. If this was another moment in time, it might’ve been different. There was pleasure, then pain in knowing that it couldn’t last. In the book, Gatsby was fascinated with Daisy, and it’d turned from rivalry to conflict, then lastly misery before he was murdered. When you really think about it, desire repeatedly results in pain.”
“I understand why you might think that, Nicole. The truth is that the coin can be flipped. You can look at desire with negative connotations, but then you miss the freedom that can be found in it.”
“Spoken like a true Titan,” I told him as I smiled. “Most believe if they pursue their heart’s desire, then happiness will follow. Take my uncle for example. I was young, but I’d heard enough about him growing up. He’d desired women and developed quite a reputation until he realized he didn’t need any of them. Everything he’d ever wanted was right there in his grasp. Sometimes it’s necessary to separate romanticism from realism. In this book, those five couples I spoke of all went in search of true love by fueling their innermost desires. It led to heartache for all, except the two people who’d live the rest of their lives in a perpetual cycle of misery together.”
“So jaded for such a young soul,” he told me, and I let out a soft sigh.
“I’ve seen what desire does to those in our respective circles, and even if you’re lucky enough to find that elusive true love, it can’t last forever.” I only had to think about my mother to know how true that was. She and my father were the epitome of soulmates, but cancer threatened to take her from him. If it succeeded, my father would be a shell of himself.
You get no arguments from me there. I’ve taken up enough of your time tonight, Nicole. Good night.”
“Good night,” I murmured, then set my phone down beside me.
“Nicole,” I heard, and I snatched it back off of the blanket.
“Yes, Professor.”
“Callum is fine,” he told me before clearing his throat. “Would you like to have coffee or something with me sometime soon? You could fill me in on those Titans of yours.”
I smiled once more. “I’d like that, but wouldn’t it look odd for the two of us to be seen together off campus?”
“Yeah, I guess so.” His voice held the same notes of deflation that I felt.
“We’ll figure something out,” I assured him, yawning as the day’s activities were finally catching up with me. “Good night, Callum.” I then hung up the phone myself, cradling it against my chest.
I laid that way for what seemed like hours although it was only minutes. His words about the freedom that could be found in desire echoed in my head. I wished I had the freedom to take him up on his invitation. I wished for that and so much more, but the characters in ‘The Great Gatsby’ all found out the hard way that harboring desire would only lead to madness, grief, or both. With this relocation and my mother’s disease, I was already dealing with too much to even see if I was wrong about that.
My thoughts turned away from Callum, and I decided to call my mother. It was just after eight there in Los Angeles, and if she was feeling well, I knew she would be curled up in her reading room with a book. She was the very person who drew me to the novels that lined the walls there. She had everything from literary classics to smut, and I’d grown up reading most except the latter which she hadn’t let me do until I was much older. Even when I was too young to know what the words in books were, she’d read them to me.
I scrolled through my contacts and when I saw her picture, I hit the call button. Seconds later, she answered. “Nicole, I’m so glad you called. I thought you might be out with some of those new friends you’ve made in Chicago like that nice boy, Trevor—”
“Travis,” I corrected, then said for the second time today. “We’re just friends. So, how are you doing? Are you feeling better than yesterday?”
She assured me that she was, and I knew I could go to sleep with some sense of relief at that. When I asked her what she was doing, she told me that she was reading. I’d known it, and after crawling under the covers, I asked if she wanted to read to me, and she happily did. I heard multiple chapters until my yawning became more pronounced.
“You need to get some rest, Nicole. I love you and will talk to you in the morning.”
“Good night, Mama.” I then hung up the phone and removed my clothes. I could work more on unpacking in the morning. My mother was sounding a lot like her old self, and I had more memories with Callum to add to the others.
CALLUM
I was at a local sports bar with a few of the guys. Noah and Romeo had an out of town game, so as far as immediate friends, it was just Gabriel, Daxon, and me. It was customary for us to sit and watch our fellow Titans on Sundays when they were out of town, but we had a luxury box for their home games. Today, they were taking on one of the Los Angeles teams which made me think a lot about Nicole. I’d tried to keep my mind off of her, and all day Saturday, it appeared that I had accomplished that until I laid in bed remembering how good it felt being inside of her the day before in my office.
Our phone conversation also played through my head a few times, and I hated that she was my student because I enjoyed the verbal sparring I did with her. It really was like foreplay, which was the last thing I needed to consider it. Nicole was very intelligent, and her Stanford education was proof of that. It wasn’t technically an Ivy League school, but its reputation and status rivaled Yale where I attended. If our circumstances would’ve been different, she would’ve been the perfect type of girl for me to date, and the strange thing was that I’d never wanted to shed my bachelor title before her. I still wasn’t sure I wanted to now, but I would’ve liked to have had the chance to see where it could’ve gone.
“You seem to be thinking hard about something,” Daxon said, his observant skills always on point.
“It’s nothing really. It’s just...” My voice trailed off as I had no idea how to even finish my thought.
I couldn’t come out and tell him, or Gabriel, that I was lusting after my student, and one I’d shared something so profound with back in Costa Rica. I’d told them about a girl, but I’d never expected to see her again so anything I might’ve said about her was not relevant anymore.
“He looks a lot like I did when I realized my feelings for Harper had returned,” Gabriel commented and I rolled my eyes at him.
“You and Harper had an entire past together. The only history I have with any women around here is negligible at best unless you count the string of one night stands I’ve accumulated over the years. There’s never been a girl, and there never will be, either.”
“If it’s not a woman, then what the hell is it?” Gabriel had less tact than Daxon but a glance up at my psychiatrist friend, and I knew he was thinking the same thing as Gabe.
