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23
BELLA
Gabriel is quiet during dinner, almost uncharacteristically so—although he’s been quiet more than usual, lately. He doesn’t say much until he joins me upstairs for bed, going into the bathroom to change into his sleep pants and a t-shirt. When he comes back out, he looks tired, the circles under his eyes dark, as if he hasn’t been sleeping well.
“I talked to Gio today.” He sits down on the edge of the bed, his back to me, running a hand through his hair. I have to fight the urge to reach out and touch him, to comfort him—but ever since this afternoon, after what we did by the lake and what was said on the ride home, he’s been distant from me. I can’t blame him; I told him flat-out that I plan to leave him. Regardless of the reasons for our marriage or how he feels about me, whether it’s just lust or something more, I can’t imagine that feels good. The thought of leaving is breaking my heart, and I imagine that it hurts him, too.
“What did he say?” A knot coils in my stomach, the anticipation of something bad. The possibility of that looming stormcloud finally breaking.
“Your father, the don, and Igor have come to a truce over you.”
For a minute, I’m not sure I heard him correctly. “What?” My hands tighten in the blanket, a cold feeling sweeping over my skin. “I need you to repeat that.”
“A truce.” Gabriel lets out a slow breath. “I imagine you’re having the same thoughts I am about it.”
“There’s no way Igor is going to abide by that.”
“I was right.” Gabriel chuckles drily. “One of the times I wish that I wasn’t. I’d probably feel better—maybe even think I was being paranoid—if you hadn’t also come to the same conclusion so quickly.”
“What—” I take a deep breath. “What made them think that was a possibility? What made them agree, or decide—” I can’t get my thoughts straight. There’s no way that this is all coming to an end so easily. No way that Igor will just back down, after what I’m sure he considers a humiliation. That a man who isn’t even from one of the major families broke into his home and stole away the woman he planned to force into a marriage.
“There was no formal betrothal between you and Igor. So the don’s edict was that nothing was stolen from him. My marriage to you is legal, in the eyes of the Church and the law. So, according to Salvatore, Igor must now back down, because you’re my wife. Any further action he takes is yet another act of war against the mafia, and will be dealt with accordingly.”
“Like they dealt with him after what happened in the church.” I don’t bother to hide the bitterness in my voice. I don’t know much of what was said and done after that; my father didn’t feel it necessary to fill me in on the details. I didn’t ‘need to know’ since I wasn’t a part of those negotiations. It didn’t matter that he’d hurt me so viciously, or that knowing might have helped to ease my fear and trauma. In my father’s eyes, the fact that I was home and back under his protection should have been enough. But the fact that Igor has as much power as he still does, that he’s been left unharmed, tells me that nothing much was really done. That it was all just more talking.
Just like this.
“Salvatore is taking his men back,” Gabriel says heavily, exhaustion lacing every word. “He says the truce is enough, so there’s no reason to keep his men here in Italy, when he could use them back at home.”
My heart falls at that, fear washing over me in a cold wave. “What is he thinking?” The question is rhetorical—I know exactly what he’s thinking. But it feels like a blow, that he would withdraw his protection from me so quickly.
“He’s thinking that Igor will be a man of his word, as Salvatore is.” Gabriel lets out a heavy breath. “But Igor isn’t. He should know that by now, but—honorable men often have a blind spot, when it comes to these things.”
“Or I just don’t mean very much to him. A cousin to the family—no one worth protecting.” The bitterness in my voice thickens, making me feel cold down to my bones. Heavy, in a way that I remember feeling before Gabriel, before my life started taking a turn for the better. “He did what he was required to do, and now he doesn’t have to any longer. He’s not going to go out of his way to keep me safe.”
“Maybe, maybe not.” Gabriel pauses. “But I will, Bella.”
I look at him, that heaviness intensifying. I can’t help feeling, in this moment, that we’ve gone about this all wrong. That we’ve ended up in this place, where neither of us can tell the other what we really want, where we’re hurtling towards the end of something that we’re not even clear about what it ever really meant. I know what I always felt for Gabriel—but I’m not sure of him. And it only gets more confusing, every time.
“Bella, I—” He starts to speak, but I cut him off, unable to take any more conversation—any more of anything at all, really.
“I need to be by myself for a little while. I’m going to go take a bath.” I get up, not quite looking at Gabriel as I do. “I’ll come to bed in a little while.”
He nods silently. His gaze drops to his hands, and I can see that he’s lost in thought. About what, I couldn’t begin to guess.
The distance between us has never felt so wide as it does at this moment. And, as I walk to the bathroom, sore from the horseback ride and aching to soak in some hot water, I push away the thought of Gabriel’s hands on me today, out in the grass—of everything he said, as we headed back home.
It doesn’t matter now. The estate is going to be sold, and when we go back to New York, this will be over.
What I should be worrying about is Igor, and what his next move will be.
—
The next day, I take Gabriel on a tour of the villa.
Agnes and I have done all the renovating we can in the amount of time we’ve had, and I’m insanely proud of it. I took pictures of the villa in the state that it was in when we arrived, before we began the project, and I collect my camera before I start the tour with Gabriel, wanting to take the finished pictures for a before-and-after. This project, along with our looming return to New York and the changes in my own life that will bring, has made me think about what I might want to do when I’m no longer Gabriel’s nanny. Career aspirations have never been something that could be a part of my life before, but now, everything is open to me. I have a well-padded bank account, and when we go back to the city, a life of my own that I can shape however I choose. I had always thought that I would choose photography, if I were going to have a career, but now I’ve started to believe that I could try blending that with something else, like interior decorating or home renovations.
Whatever the final outcome of my relationship with Gabriel is, I’ve realized, however we leave it—I can’t ever regret that I’ve had this. He’s changed my life for the better in so many ways. I have possibilities that I would otherwise never have had, because of him.
