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Joan looked back at him and had the grace not to smirk. “Yeah. The near one just off the eastern wing.”
Leon nodded and then listened to the deliberate click of Joan’s boots on the pitted hardwood as she strode off down the hall.
He sat there for a few moments, warring with himself. He didn’t have to go see Sebastian off. In fact, he shouldn’t go see Sebastian off. Nothing good would come of it. And it was a waste of time. He was leaving himself in under an hour.
And he didn’t want to go see Sebastian anyway. He didn’t want to feel unbalanced and…not out of control exactly, but like his control was slipping and sliding out of his hands and he was constantly readjusting his grip to keep it. He hated that feeling, and a not small part of him hated Sebastian for making him feel that way.
But before the last echoes of Joan’s footsteps had even faded away, he was dragging himself out of his chair and heading for the hangar.
Their holding base in the capitol building was just beginning to stir awake. There were the sounds of gear clinking as it was readied, the faint smell of klak and morning rations being prepared, the murmur of the quiet voices people used before the sun had fully risen.
Walking out of the exit of the eastern wing, Leon breathed in the crisp morning air and nodded to the guards.
“Good morning, sir!” chirped one of the newer soldiers, younger. Leon didn’t recognize him. He was clearly a morning person. “Beautiful day, isn’t it?”
Leon glanced up at the sky, the pink and oranges of sunrise just beginning to paint over the gray of the morning. “Yes. Be safe. Stay alert.”
“Yes, sir.”
And then he carried on toward the hangar, turning his mind toward supply shipments and how long they might take to get to Kaston and how much they could spare to have there if Kaston fell and they lost it all. It was easier to think of these things instead of beautiful sunrises he didn’t know how to appreciate and beautiful men he didn’t know how to talk to. These things were more important anyway.
Of course, as soon as he was let into the hangar—on which they had put a heavy guard considering its strategic importance—and he saw Sebastian standing by a commandeered high-speed klah’eel ship, he wished he’d thought more about what he was going to say.
He shouldn’t have come at all. But weren’t leaders supposed to give their men final words of strength and encouragement before sending them off on dangerous missions? Missions that could always be their last mission?
Farlon had always done that. Seeing the man—not tall, not broad, but always so sure—striding toward him before every operation had always filled Leon with purpose when he had been a soldier.
And it was hard to imagine any mission being Sebastian’s last because it was hard to imagine Sebastian ever failing, but if it ever was, would Leon be able to swallow the guilt and regret of not even telling him goodbye?
But now he had dithered at the entrance for too long, and Sebastian had spotted him. The younger man closed the hatch on his fuel tank, turned toward Leon, and put his hands on his cocked hips. He was too far for Leon to make out his facial expressions, but Leon could see the confident lift and tilt of his chin.
Leon inhaled deeply, pulled his shoulders back, and approached.
“What do you need from me, Hess?” Sebastian asked as soon as Leon got within speaking distance. He wasn’t using a fighting tone, but Leon faltered and stopped a few steps short of where he’d intended.
“Nothing. I’m just here to wish you luck.”
“No, I mean in general.” Sebastian waved his hand around as though to encompass the whole world. “Clearly, I displease you, which means I must not be giving you something that you want. So, what else do you need?”
The muscles up the side of Leon’s neck tensed, and his jaw twitched. “You don’t displease me.”
That was mostly true. Sebastian didn’t displease him so much as Leon’s own reaction to him displeased him. As for what Leon wanted that Sebastian wasn’t giving him… That, he simply couldn’t bear mentioning.
Sebastian gave him an unimpressed look that told Leon exactly how convincingly that had come out. “Would you like to try that again? With feeling?”
“You don’t displease me,” Leon repeated and almost winced at the realization that he was indeed trying it again, and he was indeed trying it with more feeling. He felt ridiculous. “You meet every expectation.” That didn’t sound right either. “And often exceed them.”
Sebastian sighed. “Hess, look, I’m trying.” He walked toward him until he was closer than Leon had originally intended. Sebastian, in this body, was slightly taller than Leon, and Leon fought the urge to shrink down, pulling himself up taller instead. “I just want to solve this problem between us.”
“There’s no problem,” Leon replied automatically. This close, Leon could watch all the lightning-quick emotions flit across Sebastian’s face. Leon had never seen Sebastian pretend to be someone else. Surely when he did, he managed his expressions better. Whenever Leon saw him, his lips were always twisting in thought, in smiles, in sneers, his eyebrows sliding around in judgment or gentle tease. Now they were pinched with frustration, and his lips were pressed thin.
“You can tell me. I can take it.” Sebastian stopped just far enough away that Leon didn’t have to obviously look up at him. “Where am I falling short?”
“Nowhere.” Leon took a step back. He shouldn’t have done this after a night of no sleep. Sebastian’s dogged determination was a great boon on a mission, but it was terrible to have it turned on himself. “Good luck at the chemical plant.”
Leon turned to put this terrible decision behind him, but then a firm hand grabbed his elbow and yanked him back. Leon reacted on instinct and punched out toward the assault. Sebastian’s redirected the blow smoothly, which spoke to how many close combat situations he’d found himself in.
“What is your problem with me, Hess?” Sebastian stepped even closer and grabbed Leon’s left forearm again, utterly unflustered to have almost taken Leon’s fist to his nose, while Leon yanked his arm back, horrified to have nearly struck him. His heart was pounding, and the hair on the back of his neck was sticking up. “And don’t try to tell me you don’t have one.”
