Page 268 of Born of Blood and Ash
It wasn’t like I’d actually enjoyed learning theart of seduction before I was even of appropriate age to be married, for cryingout loud. It had been awkward and embarrassing to go from not even speakingabout sex to discussing it in great, graphic detail with strangers, and thenlearning how to do it. It had been confusing and even scary at times.
My gaze lowered to the flickering flames above the candlesset out under the portraits. Even now, my cheeks burned thinking about it. Onedidn’t learn how to seduce with simple words. You were shown. You practiced,acting out what you were taught. And, well, the body didn’t always agree withthe mind. What I had felt when the courtesan showed me how to pleasure anotherwhile pleasing myself, and then later, when I pretended, had been aconfusing-as-fuck mix of emotions. It had felt good, and it had also feltwrong. I had been curious, and I had also dreaded the sessions and the look onHolland’s face when he knew I’d begun that portion of my training. All in all,it wasn’t a great experience. I had gotten over it.
But I really hadn’t gotten over that either, had I?
Pressing my lips together, I reached down and brushed myfingers over the hilt of the bone dagger. The feeling of it on my thigh wascalming and helped me refocus my thoughts. My training didn’t matter. What didwas that, despite all of it, it seemed I couldn’t deal.
It didn’t make sense. Sure, Kolis had bitten me twice—almostthree times. The first time had been mind-numbingly painful. The second time…He hadn’t made it hurt. He had ejaculated, but whatever pleasure the bite hadforced upon me had been brief. He’d slept beside me. He’d held me. He’d lookedat me, seeing far more than I ever wanted, and he’d touched me. But it wasn’tlike I’d been raped. Nor was I like Veses, who had topretend that she enjoyed being degraded. Kolis had known I didn’t like what hewas doing. I hadn’t experienced what Ash had, repeatedly having to allow Veses to feed off him, either. And given what little I knewof Veses, she’d likely made it hurt as many times asshe’d made it feel good. Then, there was everything Ash had experienced due toKolis. I hadn’t spent decades under the threat of the gods only knew what.
But I had spent years with the threat of Taviuslingering in the shadows of every corridor and his cruelty that bordered onsadism. I’d had to deal with the leering, too-long looks that started when Iwas far too young to be on the receiving end of any sort of attentionlike that. It hadn’t been until the end that he’d gotten bold—andidiotic—enough to attempt to touch me. My last day in Lasania—thelast day of his life—he would’ve tried more if he hadn’t spent the nightcelebrating his father’s untimely passing.
At the end of the day, though, none of that should affect melike it was because it was…
I closed my eyes, still able to hear Ash shout, “Stopsaying that nothing happened!” He had been wrong, though. In comparison,what I had experienced was nothing.
But as I stood there, I wondered what I would say to someoneelse if they’d experienced what I had. Would I tell them it was nothing? WouldI even think that?
But I should be different.
I had to be.
Because I couldn’t let this be my ruination, and that wasexactly what it felt like.
Awareness throbbed through me, drawing me from my thoughts.I tilted my head and listened. I didn’t hear any footsteps, but even though Ashwas shockingly quiet for someone his size, I knew it wasn’t him.
Tiny hairs rose on the back of my neck as I turned. A shockof surprise ran through me as I saw the God of Dreams, dressed in black,standing in the doorway.
Dark hair shielded his face as he bowed. “I did not mean tostartle you, meyaah Liessa.”
“It’s all right.” I watched the oneiroustraighten. Despite him staying at the palace, this was the first time I’dseen him since Kyn was here, and I kept forgetting that he was here.
“A library,” he remarked curiously. Those startling eyesthat bordered on amethyst swept over the chamber before returning to me. “MayI?”
I nodded, reminding myself of what Ash had warned me beforeI even got the urge to read the god.
“Thank you.” Thierran entered,once more eyeing the tomes lining the shelves.
After an awkward moment of silence, I found my manners. “Ihope your stay at the palace has been pleasant.”
“It has been, for the most part.”
Hearing his response, I was a little taken aback. “For themost part?”
“I have not slept well here.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I said.
“Apology accepted.”
I managed to stop the laugh before it escaped. I didn’t knowif I should be insulted or amused.
“The doors to this space have always been closed,” Thierran spoke. “So, I wondered if it was another sittingchamber or something more exciting.”
“I imagine discovering that it is only a library isdisappointing.”
His laugh was soft—airy, even—as he walked along the rows ofbooks. “Quite the opposite, meyaah Liessa. I’ve always found libraries enjoyable.”
“Then you must prefer the peace of one,” I guessed, notingthe sheathed daggers on each of his forearms.
