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I can tell I’ve gotten his attention by the infinitesimal spark in his eye. “And how exactly do you plan to do that?”
“By going back to the Speare estate,” I say, as firmly as I can.
That gets a reaction, one that, from Thomas, is as good as a shout. His head jerks back, his jaw clenching, and his nostrils flare as he sucks in a breath. “Absolutely not,” he says immediately.
I’ve anticipated this, but I don’t intend to take ‘no’ for an answer. Repeating Raleigh’s words from earlier, I say, “I never should have left my uncle if I couldn’t get away clean. I was reckless, and I’ve brought trouble down on everyone else. Now I’m the reason this war is restarting-”
“This war is restarting because your uncle is a loose cannon who doesn’t care who he hurts,” Thomas cuts in. “I don’t know if you remember this, but he fired a weapon at you last night without blinking an eye.”
I flinch, and despite my best efforts, I have to drop my eyes. “Of course I remember,” I murmur, my throat tightening. “You were hurt. I’m so sor-”
Thomas’s hand grips my chin suddenly, and I’m forced to look up at him again. “If I wanted your apology for me saving your life, I’d have gotten it from you by now,” he says, his voice so low it rolls through my bones. A pang travels down my spine to just below my stomach, and I bite my lip to distract myself from it.
He doesn’t think of you like you think of him, I tell myself firmly. You’re a tool to him, so become a more valuable tool.
“I can talk to him,” I try again. “I know how he acts better than you, and I can talk to him-”
There’s a twitch in Thomas’s cheek, and I realize I’ve actually made him angry. “Maybe you’ve seen the worst of him, but you’ve seen it all through a screen,” he says. “You look at him and only see how you want him to be. How many times has he threatened you in the past, hm? How many times before have you made excuses for him? He would have killed you, and you still saved him the next chance you got.”
I try to pull away, but Thomas isn’t loosening his grip. My heart is starting to pound almost as loud as his words in my ears. “You know why that is, Clara? Because I do. He’s the only family you have left, and you feel obliged to love him, and all you want is for him to love you back.”
A sob scrapes out of me. I didn’t even realize I was crying, but now I can taste the salt on my tongue. Thomas’s thumb brushes against my chin, feather light on my lower lip. Then he releases me. Only after he steps out of my space can I suck in a full breath, like I was frozen under his touch and now I’ve been released. I scrub away the tears leaking from my eyes, trying desperately to reclaim my composure.
It doesn’t matter that Thomas has just carved out my heart and showed it to me on a plate. It doesn’t matter that he’s unearthed something I’ve never dared think. I have to convince Thomas to let me do this.
“If he’s the only- only family I have left,” I stammer, “then doesn’t that mean he’s my responsibility? That’s why you wanted my help, right? Not because I have the most intel on him, but because I’m a Speare.” I think of his words when I called him Tommy and he told me never to do it again. “I’m one of his people, which means he’s one of mine too.”
There’s a flash in Thomas’s eyes, and I see I’ve struck a chord with him. He was the first on the scene when Raleigh’s house was burning. His original aggression toward me stemmed from his protective feelings toward his sister. Despite how rough their sibling relationship might be, I imagine he’s felt solely responsible for his little sister since their father died.
Before I can think I’ve found a way past his objections, Thomas asks, “What makes you think he won’t shoot you on sight?”
I think of long, torturous dinners in the Speare dining hall, when my uncle would have me on his left hand, sitting directly across from Barnabas Harrow. It was a lesson in measured breaths, endurance training for my nerves. I had to be audible when I spoke, but any louder was disruptive. Too little eye contact made me a sniveling coward, but too much was insolent.
If I walked this tightrope perfectly, I could usually keep my uncle from tipping into a rage. If he was already in a rage, then I could sometimes pull him back. My methods weren’t foolproof, but at the very least, I could predict when they started to fail.
Last night, I was facing my uncle when he was already angry and embarrassed. If I returned to meet him on his turf, he would be triumphant and cocky. I can work with that.
I think.
At the very least, I owe it to myself and to Thomas to try.
I take a deep breath. “Because I know him,” I say. Thomas shakes his head a little, not impressed. I go on. “You’re good at this. You can make anyone do anything you want with a few well-placed words and some force. I might not have that skill exactly, but my uncle is different. I can read him, and sometimes I can control him.”
“That’s not a reliable enough factor,” Thomas argues, and I try not to feel that like a personal insult. “You said sometimes. Last night, that sometimes failed.”
You failed. That’s what he means.
I fight not to let my shoulders hunch. “Please, Thomas. What’s the alternative? Are you going to keep me in this room forever?”
Thomas’s head tilts. For one second, I think I’ve finally gotten through to him. He can’t keep me prisoner forever, and the idea of him killing me to get rid of me sounds absurd enough to be laughable. He has to put me to use, or else there’s no point to me. Right?
But then he opens his mouth, and my hope dies. “Not this room,” he muses. “You’ve managed to slip out before, after all. And now that you’re obsessed with this delusional plan, I can’t risk letting you out of my sight for a single second, can I?”
I barely have the time to frown before he grabs my wrist, loops his other arm around my waist, and hauls me out of the room and down the hall. Is he really taking me to a dedicated cell?! I try to squirm, but he’s holding me too firmly, and anyway, he stops after only a dozen steps to open a door.
The door that sits on the opposite side of the little courtyard that sits outside my window.
The door that can’t belong to any room but his room.
