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“Tell me then,” he said. “Why was I mad at you?”
“You were mad because I had interfered. I was trying to defend... I was trying to lighten the situation even though I could very clearly see that you didn’t want to make light of it at all.”
Another stretch of silence followed, and I couldn’t bear it anymore. So, I dared to look at him.
“I didn’t want anything to interfere with your life, Sir,” I said. “I’m meant to make your life easier and better, not make it even more complicated. That is my job and that is what I am dedicated to doing. And so, in that moment, I didn’t react the way I did because I didn’t feel wronged. I did it because he is a business associate, and I knew just how important this expansion could be for the company. I’ve been around the teams for months, and I cannot have missed their discussions on it. And so, considering all of that, I?—”
“Why do you consider everyone else all the time?” he interrupted me. “Why don’t you consider yourself?”
“It’s not my job to consider myself,” I repeated. “And… with all due respect, Sir, it’s not yours either. With our... relationship over the past few days, I understand that this might make you want to come to my defense when things like this happen, but?—”
“I didn’t come to your defense because I’m sleeping with you,” he cut me off.
“I did that because you’re my secretary, and your safety and well-being are my responsibility.”
“Yes, Sir,” I repeated. “And I agree with your words. I appreciate them deeply, but I wasn’t explicitly in danger, and you cannot care for my welfare at the potential detriment of your business. You can only do this when our relationship... when our relationship is more than professional. And this is the one thing that it is not.”
“It terrifies me that because of what happened yesterday, the officials wouldn’t want to work with you anymore.”
“They’re not our only way into Asia, Madison,” he said. “There are countless other opportunities.”
I watched him, knowing this was true, but I didn’t think if I repeated once again how I didn’t want to interfere negatively in his life and work, he would probably not agree with me.
Saddened but at least grateful that he had spoken to me, I turned away and stared at the gorgeous vistas. I asked myself if I regretted sleeping with him, and I couldn’t bring myself to say that I did. So far, it had been all and more than I could have ever imagined, and I wouldn’t trade even a single moment for anything else. I knew from the start that it was bound to get complicated. We both knew, and so now it was. We had to truly decide how to move forward. I, for one, understood that if we moved forward as we were, more issues were going to arise, and I made my decision then.
“I think that, in light of things, Sir, it would be better if we could manage to revert back to a solely professional relationship. I hope this is something you can agree to, as I am sure that in the long run, it will be more beneficial to the both of us.”
Another stretch of silence followed once again, but then his response came.
“Okay.”
Something in my heart clenched so hard that it was as though someone had sent a knife through it. It was so painful that it stole my breath away, and in response, I was so incredibly angry at myself. I had been the one to ask for this, so what now was my problem? He had given me what I wanted. He was giving me what I wanted, so why did it hurt so much?
Unable to remain in the cabin because my throat was now completely clogged with emotion, I was certain that I would be crying in seconds. I got up and excused myself, ensuring to do it with a smile so that he would see and be completely convinced that it was a smile.
I headed down to the gallery and met the air hostess there, preparing our meal. She was so beautiful I was momentarily struck for a while. It was a perfect distraction because she smiled at me once again, and I smiled back. I headed into the bathroom then and shut the door.
I thought of what to do. I hadn’t brought my phone, so it wasn’t as though I could talk to anyone. All I had was myself and the silence, and I had to deal with it. I had to figure this out on my own. He had said okay, and so now we were solely boss and secretary again, so why the hell was I so fucking sad?
I shut my eyes and tried to calm my emotions, but soon enough, the tears started to flow from my eyes. They fell down my face, and I wondered if I had made the wrong decision.
Emma had told me to fight for what I wanted, and what I wanted was him, but it wasn’t that simple. I couldn’t convince myself that what I wanted was him, and I didn’t want what was to him a momentary thrill to mess up his work and progress so much. Maybe I was overthinking all of this. He had said earlier that we should go with the flow, at least until we returned to New York, so had I been too impulsive by suggesting what I had to him? By insisting that we break off all activities between us that weren’t solely related to work. I couldn’t take it back now. I wasn’t fickle, and I couldn’t appear like that before him either, so I allowed myself to mourn the way I had wanted to, and then I wiped the tears off my face and got up.
After staring at myself in the mirror and ensuring that I looked as normal as possible, I reopened the door. There was very little I could do about my reddened eyes, but he wasn’t going to be staring at me anyway, so what was the issue?
I returned to the cabin and saw that the air hostess was serving our food.
She was all over him, I realized. She was smiling, leaning forward, batting her lashes. From pain to anger was all I could feel then because why couldn’t all these fucking women just do their jobs? I instantly felt better then about choosing our work, his work, over extracurricular thrills. So, I tried my best to ignore her, and soon she came over to me.
“Whatever is available is fine, thank you,” I said.
She was a bit startled by this.
“Grilled Sea Bass with a mango and papaya salad, served alongside jasmine rice? Is this selection okay, or would you like to tweak it or choose something else?”
“It’s fine,” I replied, and she went on her way.
He began eating while I looked out the window. It was time for me to think about what the fuck I had done to occupy myself when we had flown over.
