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Will relaxes but his focus never leaves my face. “That was nice of him.”
I press my lips together, wondering how much more I should say but the words spill out anyway. “I stayed there for two weeks.”
He senses my hesitation but curiosity keeps him asking. “Two weeks?”
“Every night, he’d come back and stuff his tips from the evening into my glass jar. I asked him not to but, at the same time, I really needed the money, and he knew that.”
“Did…” His voice falls.
“What?” I ask.
“Did he ever try anything…?”
“No, I’m pretty sure he was gay.”
“How do you know?”
“Well, the men coming and going from his room were a big clue.”
Will laughs. “Fair enough.”
I look to the pianist again. “I’ve never really been a big believer in anything,” I say. “Life was rough at the time but somehow, I stumbled on him right when I needed to.”
My heart aches, utterly infected by the broken box inside. I look up into Will’s eyes, so full of love and concern for me.
All the pain and uncertainty of the last several years bleeds away, leaving me feeling limp in his arms. Even through everything, he’s still willing to stand beside me. To hold me up when everyone else would push me down.
I want to be close to him again. Closer than this.
“And…” I say, “that’s about it.”
“What is?” he asks.
“Where I’ve been.” I inhale a deep breath, letting it course through my limbs and back. “I spent four years wandering from place-to-place. I’d stay in one city long enough to scavenge enough money to fill the tank of my car and then I’d hit the road. Sooner or later, it would run out and I’d do it all over again.”
I search his eyes for judgment and shame. They show neither.
“Why?” he asks.
“I wanted to see the world,” I tell him. “The world outside of Clover and I did. I saw so much and I loved almost every moment of it, but… no matter where I went, I always did the exact same thing.” My chest clenches. “I’d walk down the street, alone and scared, and I’d look for you. I knew how impossible it was to actually see your face in the crowd staring back at me but I still did it everywhere I went.” My lip trembles. “I did everything I could to distract myself but nothing worked.”
I feel a warm tear slide downward but Will wipes it away with his thumb.
“I woke up one day and I couldn’t do it anymore,” I say. “I couldn’t stand that crushing disappointment I felt whenever you weren’t there. So, I drove home again so it wouldn’t be so impossible anymore.”
My head falls. I try to breathe but my lungs feel small and weak, shriveling up inside of me. Nausea teases my gut. Guilt threatens to knock me over. God, I can’t even look at him.
“Jovie,” he whispers.
I almost resist the feel of his hand on my cheek but I let him draw my eyes up again.
He gives me a gentle kiss. I lose track of time as he pulls me even deeper into his embrace. The music continues but we stopped dancing long ago.
When his lips finally fall from mine and his eyes open wide, he offers me a smile of warm comfort.
“Thank you,” he says.
I tremble in his hands. “I wasn’t sure if I should tell you—”
“Shh.” He hugs me tighter. “It’s okay.”
“You must think I’m an idiot.”
“Are you kidding?” His lips press against my forehead. “You’re my Jovie.”
I exhale with relief, draining a little more of this emotion and pain from my system. It’s not everything but it’s enough for now.
Baby steps.
