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Briony looks away from me and shakes her head. Her dark hair falls down over her shoulders. She’s not wearing her old uniform, but a pair of riding pants and a tunic. Leather boots, as if she’s preparing to leave at any moment.
“Briony?” I speak her name a little more roughly than I intended to.
She looks up, moistening her lips by pressing them together. “I’m worried about you, Alana.” She wrings her hands together in front of her stomach.
I have never seen her as weak before, but in this moment, I am starting to, and it draws a sense of deep irritation from deep inside me.
“You do not need to worry about me.”
“I haven’t seen you like this before. The Alana I know would never...” She hesitates, meeting my eyes as if she’s searching for something. “You would never have...”
I meet her gaze with stony indifference. “You are trying to persuade me to feel guilty for what I did.”
“I’m not trying to persuade you, Alana. I am trying to understand why you don’t. How you could have so quickly changed into...” She gestures to me, and shakes her head again.
“Into what?”
“Him.” She holds my gaze. I don’t know if she’s talking about Eldrion or Finn or both. It doesn’t really matter which; she is wrong. And she has proved she doesn’t know me at all.
“The reason I don’t feel guilty, Briony, is because I have no more guilt left to feel.” I pace away from her back towards the window. The Sunborne are gone now, inside the castle, and the sun is setting. “I’ve spent a lifetime feeling guilt, and pain, and sorrow. I have hated myself for so long, I don’t remember whether I ever saw myself as anything but wrong or broken.”
“I am so sorry you felt that way.” Briony hurries over to me and puts her hand on my arm. I feel a flash of warmth towards her, and the soft part of me that keeps trying to make me pay attention to it whispers, trust her, lean into her, let her comfort you.
“Your people treated you badly. Maura’s words hurt you.” She moves in front of me and looks up into my eyes. “I know she spoke to you the night before you hurt Elodie.”
She can’t even say the word killed.
“I heard what she said. I was with Raine in her room, and I listened from the shadows. She is awful, and the things she said were awful. But you are not what she said you were. You have done nothing wrong, Alana.”
“I killed someone.” I speak with a firm, matter-of-fact tone, even though tears are clamouring at the back of my throat now. “I killed someone, Briony.” My voice turns to a whisper.
I blink back tears. Her hand strokes my arm.
I tug out of her grasp and stride over to Eldrion’s armchair. Sitting down, I tilt back my head and close my eyes.
I cannot do this. If I let in the grief, and the fear, I will not be able to do what needs to be done.
“Alana, please.” Briony kneels in front of me. She places her hands on my knees. “Come back to me.” She smiles, and everything inside me wants to trust her.
But how can I?
The only person I can trust now is myself.
“Can we talk more tonight?” I ask her, trying to bring softness to my tone.
Briony nods and squeezes my knee. “Of course,” she says. “I am here whenever you need me.” She stands and reaches out to stroke my hair. “I’m your friend, Alana. We have been through too much to stop trusting each other now.”
I lean into her touch. It feels like my mother’s used to. But she betrayed me too – by leaving me in a world that hated me without the tools to fight back.
“Thank you.” I take Briony’s hand and squeeze it. “I couldn’t do this without you. I really couldn’t.”
“You’ll dress for dinner and come to join us?” she asks, gesturing to the gown Eldrion had someone hang up for me by the fireplace.
It is long, and silver, and perfect.
“I’ll be down in a moment.”
At the door, Briony stops and smiles at me over her shoulder. “It’s going to be okay, Alana. With the power of the Sunborne behind us, Finn doesn’t stand a chance.”
