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His face paled and she had to bite back a sob, because it was such a visual confirmation of how unwelcome this news was.
“I don’t know when it happened. I don’t know how. But loving you like I do, and living with you like this, just doesn’t work.”
“What do you need?”
Another laugh, half-deranged sounding. “This isn’t a problem you can just solve. I’m not a dying house plant that just requires a bit more water or sunlight to bloom again. I need you to love me. And you’re never going to, are you?”
He was silent.
“That’s okay. I get it.” Tears cloyed at the back of our throat. “But will you love our son?” She pressed a hand to her stomach, as if to block their baby’s ears.
“Of course.”
“Are you sure? Because you can’t look at me without seeing what you’ve lost. What if it’s the same with him?”
“A child is—it’s biology.”
“So it’s just me you can’t love?”
“Georgia—that’s not—it’s not about you.”
“No, it’s about Bianca. It’s always about Bianca.” She lifted a hand in silent apology. “This isn’t her fault. It’s not your fault. But I cannot go through my life loving someone who acts as though my very existence is a sin against a woman who died years ago. Every time you’re with me, and you start to relax, you pull yourself back, because you’re so determined not to let yourself feel anything for me.”
“I feel things for you,” he muttered, the admission laced with disgust. “Look at how we are together.”
“That’s sex,” she spat. “I don’t deny you’re attracted to me. You seem to be able to rationalize that. But emotionally, you can’t ‘cheat’ on her. And I refuse to be made to feel like the other woman, like we’re doing something dirty and wrong.”
“To me, loving you would be wrong. You must see that.”
“I see it,” she whispered, her heart shattering. “But I don’t agree with it, and I don’t accept it.” She dug her fingernails into the upholstery of the chair. “I’m leaving.”
His eyes whipped to hers. For all they’d had this conversation, it was abundantly clear he hadn’t expected that. “What do you mean, you’re leaving?”
She blinked, weary suddenly.
Now that she’d made the decision, she wanted to rip off the Band-Aid and get out of there.
She needed clear air space.
She needed not to be looking at him, because looking at him and loving him weakened her. “I’m leaving,” she said, simply. “Moving out. You asked me to give you a week. I did. I’ve given you everything, Dante. Everything.” Her voice cracked. “I’ve given you week after week after week—I’ve given you my whole damned heart—and I’ve been waiting just for a small breadcrumb, a sign that maybe you’ll wake up and realise you have a whole life ahead of you that can be good and happy and that you deserve that, but it’s never going to happen, is it?”
His eyes bore through hers; she couldn’t tell what he was thinking. “This is my life,” he said, eventually, voice level. “Like it or not, this is what I am. Who I am. Missing them is a part of me.”
She sighed. “I’m not saying that has to change. I miss my parents too, every day. You think I don’t? But I can still live a full and rich life; I can still be happy.”
“It’s not the same thing.”
“No,” she conceded. “Losing a child, a spouse, is awful. We’re not prepared for that, whereas I suppose, on some level, we’re aware from a young age that we won’t have our parents forever.” She lifted a hand, dragging her hair over her shoulder, determined to try one last angle. “Tell me this, Dante. If the shoe were on the other foot—if you had died, instead of Bianca—would you have wanted her to live like this? Would you have wanted her to close herself off from any meaningful relationship for the rest of her life, out of a misplaced sense of loyalty to you?”
His lips were a gash on his face. “I won’t be drawn on hypotheticals.”
She sighed again. “Then it really is over,” she murmured. “I love you, but I can’t live like this.” She bit down into her lip.
He opened his mouth to say something but she shook her head. “Don’t worry. I’ll stay in London, at least for now. We can work everything out later, once he’s here. But I get it. I know what he means to you, and your family. I have no intention of taking our son to the other side of the world.”
His eyes swept shut and his features formed a tight mask. It was impenetrable. She couldn’t fathom his emotions, she couldn’t see into his heart. But even if she could, she knew what she’d find there: it would never beat for her, or anyone else.
He loved Bianca. He would always love Bianca.
