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“Angie, I think I already have. He was devastated when I left. I’m devastated. He hates me.”
“He doesn’t hate you.”
“If he doesn’t, he will when I tell him that I can’t love him the way he wants. I’ve lost my boyfriend and my best friend in a week. It’s all shit right now.”
“Have you talked to Jordan?”
“No. He keeps sending me texts and leaving voicemails. He sounds like I feel. My world is so fucked up right now,” I can feel tears flooding my eyes, and Angie hands me a napkin to wipe at them.
“I didn’t want to tell you this, but he came by the office yesterday. He looked like shit. His eyes were all red, and his clothes were disheveled.”
“He contacted Hunter to find out where I was. Lexi called me all worried.”
“Did you tell her what was going on?”
“Yes. She said I owe it to Jordan to let him know how I feel. I can’t hide from him forever, just like I can’t hide from Nate.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t envy you. You have some hard decisions to make.”
“I need some time.”
“Remember, it’s not just you in this. You’re not the only one hurting.”
“I know that. The sooner I get this done with Jordan, the sooner I can move on.”
“It sounds like you made up your mind already.”
“I have, but when I see him, that’s another story. I’m still in love with Jordan.”
“What about Nate?”
“I’m nauseous when I think of what I’ve done to him. My whole life is going to change because we can’t live together anymore. I’m afraid if I push him, he’ll fall back into that self-destructive behavior he’s been known to do. He’s just getting his head together and career on track. When I came home before he left for the Hamptons, I smelled pot. How long until he’s back snorting shit and drinking heavily?”
“If he falls back into that behavior, it’s not your fault. Nate’s a big boy, and he can’t resort to drugs every time he has something bad happen in his life.”
“But I would still feel guilty because I know it would be because of me. I pushed him towards it. I think he stopped his hard shit because of me.”
“We need to go back to work. It’s almost 1:00.”
“Thanks, Angie.”
“For what?”
“For always being there for me.”
“You know I love you, girl,” she hugs me and hooks her elbow around mine as we head into the building.
For the past few days, I’ve been thinking about what Angie said. I haven’t slept well, and meals have been almost non-existent from my life. Jordan has ceased texting and calling since Wednesday. I keep torturing myself, listening to the voicemails he previously left.
Nathaniel hasn’t communicated with me either since I ran away from him almost a week ago. I get it, he’s hurt, but I miss my best friend. I know that I need to call him. He deserves some explanation.
Chapter 21
Two months later
I smile widely as I read the text on my phone. I’m so in love with this man; I was stupid not to see how deeply his loss affected me. I think back to the time when I hopped on the bus to go to him to have the long-overdue discussion. It was a Saturday, and sleeping wasn’t in the cards.
I dressed casually, hoping that he wouldn’t find my simple white shorts and a clingy yellow polo shirt, too provocative. The bus was the easiest way to go though I could have taken the train. I wanted to have the option to get off at the next stop if I chickened out. Several times I wanted to bail on the whole thing. Head back to my apartment and immerse myself in other people’s reality on television.
