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I was not gonna make it through this if he kept talking about dying. I put my face in my hands as tears filled my eyes.
“That’s a beautiful thought, Patrick. It probably helped keep you calm.”
“It did. But I didn’t mean to upset you, babe.”
I was such a selfish asshole. “You’re too fucking good for me, Griffin.”
He huffed out a breath. “Uh, I fucking disagree. Look what I’ve done to us. I’ve shoved us so deep in the closet that we can’t find our way out.”
Unfiltered Patrick was still here.
I glanced at him, then at Donovan. “This is why we felt like we might need a guide through all of this.”
“That makes sense. So before we get started, I want you to understand this is probably going to take more than one session to get through. Patrick and I had eight in-person sessions before today. And you, Cole, may want to continue on your own, outside of couple’s therapy. What you experienced is a more-than-valid reason to continue. I’m happy to recommend someone if you’d like.”
Patrick and I glanced at one another. “Yes, I understand. I’m glad he has a head start.”
“Good. I’d like to have an idea about your relationship with each other through your eyes. We know how Patrick sees you, Cole. How do you view your relationship with him?”
I took a deep breath and started talking. I told him how I’ve been in love with Patrick my entire life, and the anger and pain I felt at the broken promises around us coming out. How it hurt every time he denied me in an interview or said we were just friends. And how almost losing him had changed everything for me, and brought on the guilt associated with being responsible for the accident and possibly ending his career.
I don’t know how long I downloaded my brain to them, but by the end, Patrick and I both were in tears.
Donovan nodded. “Let’s go back to when you said Patrick was too good for you. Why do you think that?”
I wiped my face with my hands. “Because I’ve been so selfish, trying to get him to come out. I fucking left him just to try to convince him to come out.” Then I turned to look at Patrick. “I tried to manipulate you.”
He took an exasperated breath and reached for me. “Cole, you haven’t been selfish or manipulated me. At least I don’t look at it that way. I didn’t keep my promises, and I have never told you why. Now I know I should have been in therapy years ago, but I chose to push it down and ignore what it was doing to us.”
He leaned forward and kissed my forehead. “I also accept that I’m responsible for what has happened to our relationship over the last year. But I want to make sure you know that you are not responsible for the accident. Do you hear me, Cole? You are not responsible for it.”
I looked at Donovan, who smiled.
“Why do you feel that way, Cole?”
Glancing at the floor, I ran my fingers through my hair before I answered. “Because I pushed him away. I just packed up my shit and took it to Adam’s apartment. I didn’t give him a chance to tell me about working with you. I walked away from him in Seattle and left him standing there so I could go cry in the shower.”
I hung my head in shame. But Patrick, being Patrick, reached for me. “Baby, if I remember our conversation correctly, I never specified anything and maybe I should have. I also remember telling you we were not over. I don’t think we’re capable of being over.”
“Probably not,” I huffed.
He smiled and kissed my forehead. “The accident was just that, Cole. An accident. Aidan and Jesse talked to the police after the accident. The other driver didn’t have their headlights on and it was raining. Witnesses behind us told the police they saw my signal to change lanes, and he was flying. When I went to change lanes, he smashed into the left side and spun us both around until the car hit the guardrail. It was an accident and had nothing to do with you, baby. I’m just thankful you weren’t with me because I could have lost you.”
I grabbed him around the neck and held on to him as I cried some more, like a fucking fountain. Patrick hugged me to him with his good arm.
“But your career.”
Patrick sighed, then chuckled. “Cole, I don’t give a fuck about my career. I’ve already played beyond the average career time for a linebacker. There are other things I want out of life. Watching those kids yesterday makes me want to be a father. And I want to go on tour with you and be by your side as you take the world by storm. This accident has changed me as much as it’s changed you. But all I’m focused on now is fixing us and putting us back together.”
“And you’re ready to tell me?”
He nodded. “I am, baby. And I really hope you don’t get mad at me for not telling you.”
I took his face in my hands and kissed him chastely. “Let me be the judge of that.”
CHAPTER 24
PATRICK
