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‘Not true. You made a mistake and, sure, you have flaws, but you’re only here with me because you care so much about Lucas. Because you know he struggles. But those struggles are part of him, not because of you or something you did. You’re a good person. Better than good. Better than anyone I know, and, yes, that does make you beautiful. But so does this.’ He touched the bump on her nose. ‘And this.’ He ran his finger along the curve of her jaw. ‘And this.’ Her eyes widened as he stroked a loose curl away from her cheek.
She had clearly wanted to believe him, but it was harder than people thought to let go of the bad things, the things people said or did and how they made you feel. That would mean hoping things could be better and hope was a dangerous thing and his throat thickened as she covered her face with a shaking hand. Finally, in a small, bruised voice, she said, ‘You know, when we left the police station, I thought Cameron would apologise, but he didn’t. I was angry with him and upset. I asked him how he could do something like that to me. And he laughed. He said that it was never serious. That he had “standards.”’
The tears she had been holding back spilled over her cheeks now and, watching her attempts to control them, Trip pulled her close and held her close for a long time, letting her cry, pushing back against the hot burn of anger rising in his chest, wishing he had more than words to make her believe what he was saying.
Finally, her sobs subsided and she breathed out shakily. ‘I’m sorry—’
‘No, I’m sorry.’ Ignoring her attempts to hide her face, he tilted up her chin. ‘Listen to me, Lily. You were right, earlier. I wouldn’t have asked you out to lunch, but not because I think you’re not up to my standard. You were always so cool and aloof. I thought I wasn’t up to yours. I thought—’
He fell silent, and, looking up at him, she felt her chest tighten. He looked taut and unhappy, as he had that time when he’d sat at the piano in Tuscany. Only back then there had been an edge to him, a challenge, as if he’d been testing her with the truth.
Now he looked tired, as if he was shouldering some huge unseen weight, and she thought about everything she’d had to keep to herself and carry alone. How hard it had been. How alone she had felt. But Trip had helped ease that burden. She had told him the truth, every ugly detail, and he had said she was beautiful. Made her feel beautiful.
‘Thought what?’ she said quietly. His fingers tightened infinitesimally so that she could feel his pulse beating against hers.
‘I thought I would never be good enough. For anyone. But mostly for him. My father.’
There was another silence, and she made herself wait because she couldn’t lead him where he needed to go. She could only hold his hand as tightly as he had held hers.
‘But then I found these letters, and I was going to burn them. But they don’t feel like they’re mine to burn. I mean, he kept them for a reason.’ He cleared his throat. ‘You see, they’re from a woman. Her name is Kerry. She was his mistress.’
Lily stared at him in shock. That couldn’t be true. Theirs was a small, insular world but she hadn’t heard so much as a whisper of scandal in relation to Henry and Alessandra Winslow’s marriage.
‘Was it serious?’
Trip shrugged. ‘It went on for more than a decade, so, yeah, I guess it probably was. From the dates, I think they started seeing each other shortly after I was born.’
‘When did you find the letters?’ She hesitated. ‘Was it before he...?’
He shook his head. His eyes were hard and flat. ‘It was the day before I went to Ecuador.’ He took a breath. ‘It was why I went to Ecuador.’
The day he’d broken up with her. She could still remember it as if it had just happened. He had been angry, distant, spoiling for a fight and desperate to leave. And yet, in the end, she’d been the one to push him out of the door, too angry and hurt at the time to register the contradiction in his behaviour.
It was all too easy to imagine how he’d felt. Foremost shock, that sense of unreality and then the feeling of stupidity at not seeing what was right in front of you.
She felt Trip’s eyes on her face. ‘You know, the craziest part was that all I wanted to do was tell you. That’s why I came to your apartment. But then when I saw you, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t say the words out loud because I had this stupid, irrational need to protect him.’
‘Not stupid or irrational. He was your father.’
‘He was.’ He was shaking his head as if to deny that fact. ‘But sometimes, a lot of the time, he felt like an opponent. And he was always the reigning champion and I was the underdog and nothing I did could change that. And I spent all my life trying to be his equal, to be worthy—’
The ache in his voice bruised her skin.
‘And then it turns out he wasn’t this perfect, unattainable being. He was just a man with flaws and weaknesses. And I was so angry with him for lying to me, to my mother, to everyone. For making me feel irrelevant and not good enough.’ His eyes were suddenly very blue. ‘For dying.’
‘Oh, Trip.’ She slid both her arms around him, feeling his pain. Because it wasn’t the trustees or the shareholders he wanted to impress, it was his father.
He pressed the heel of his hand against his forehead. ‘Only I took it out on you because he wasn’t there, and then I ran away because I knew if I stayed I’d do something stupid.’ His mouth twisted. ‘So I left and it happened anyway, because my head wasn’t in the game. And the whole time I was there I kept imagining that look on his face. And then you’d pop into my head and it would disappear. I think that’s why I kept thinking about you in Ecuador. You were a match for him.’
‘You were too. That’s why you clashed. Why Winslow’s profits have gone up twenty per cent since you took over.’
‘Until I got myself kidnapped.’ The skin across his cheeks was taut. ‘I proved him right.’
‘You proved him wrong too. Multiple times.’
‘But it was never enough.’
‘I disagree. I think your father was old-fashioned enough to think that the oldest son should inherit, but I also know that he wouldn’t have let his business be run by someone who wasn’t good enough. You don’t have to prove anything because he had proof. He chose you, not because he loved you, but because you are the best man for the job.’
