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Now, it was Nan's turn to shake her head. "Silly girl. The day I can't write out a shopping list…"
This time she didn't finish the mantra, but by now, I had the gist down pat. "Well, I can do something else. Anything else. Whatever you need. That's why I'm here." She didn't like that and leveled me with a hard stare. "You're here, missy, because this is your home. It's where you belong, and it was high time someone found you, hauled your butt back here, and reminded you of that fact."
I knew better than to argue when Nan called me missy. It was a name that struck fear into my heart. Back in the old days, it was usually followed up with the lick of a switch. I stayed silent, and Nan grinned, looking much like the proverbial canary swallowing cat.
"That's what I thought. Now, get some boots on and march your butt down to the barns. Abigail will be happy to see you, and the boys could use some help, I'm sure."
Nan didn't play fair. At the mention of my favorite horse, it was all I could do not to run down there at full speed, and she knew it. My mind was already in the barn, patting Abigail and feeding her sugar cubes, whispering to her as I worked through all of life's problems. Abigail was a good listener. She had been my best friend.
"Fine," I sighed, knowing that I had lost this round. "But, I'll be back soon, so figure out something for me to do."
"Whatever you say, dear," Nan agreed. She was already sitting at the table with pen and paper in hand.
* * *
Blake
I liked a made-up woman—a little on the high maintenance side. I was a sucker for the red lipstick and long lashes and high heels and everything that went along with that. Cowgirls and country girls had never been my thing, not like they were Slade's.
But, hot damn. When Merry walked into the barn that morning in worn boots and dark blue jeans with a long sleeved pink tee, and her dark chestnut curls framing her face in wet curls…I had to will my body not to react. Not a speck of makeup adorned her face, and I thought she was the most beautiful I had ever seen her. When people talk about natural beauty, this is what they mean.
Her face was flushed as she looked past me, gazing over my head at the empty stalls.
"Finally came out to see Abigail, huh? Took you long enough."
Merry rolled her eyes. "I didn't know if she was still here. I was afraid to ask."
"Always afraid to be disappointed." I stepped toward her, closing the space between us and rested my hands on the curve of her hips.
"Well, I've been disappointed a lot," she answered, her full pink lips curved into a pout.
"That was then, baby girl. This is now."
Stepping into my embrace, she rested her head on my chest and looked up at me with a soft sigh. "I want so badly for that to be true."
"The thing is," I answered carefully. "We all had hard lives before the ranch, really hard lives. And that's what makes this place so life-changing. But things can only change you, if you let them, Meredith. Good things and bad things alike. You let the bad things shape your expectations and shape the way you view life. You're far too hard on yourself, because others were. And that's all human nature. But at some point, baby girl, you have to let those guards and protective walls down, and let the good things have even more influence on you."
"I tried that once," she countered. Her pain-filled expression was a blow to my heart, reminding me that getting her back here had only been half the battle. We had much work to do. "I trust you and Slade and Nan. As much as I can, I do. It's really me I don't trust. All my life, anytime I have seen something good in my life, I have messed it up just as quickly. I don't know how not to self-sabotage, Blake. It's what I do. What I have always done. Sometimes, I even see myself doing it, and I think 'no, stop!' but I just can't. I can't stop. It's almost like I'm afraid to have anything good in my life, like I'm trying to protect myself from more pain."
"Does it work?" I asked gently, knowing full well what the answer was.
"I mean, I guess in some ways I always thought it did, but now, looking back, I can see that it usually just leads to a different kind of pain.
"The kind that comes with no joy."
Her head jerked up to meet my gaze, and I saw her throat move as the swallowed deeply, acknowledging my truth in a sort of stunned silence."
"You deserve to have joy, Meredith. You deserve to love and be loved."
"But, sometimes, it just causes more hurt," she whispered thickly, as a lone tear tracked down her pale cheek.
"I know it, baby girl. Boy, do I. I see these things in you, because I know them in myself. It's a struggle every day to be thankful for what life has given me rather than fearful of the hurt and loss it will eventually bring."
"How do you do it?"
"Nan helped me a lot. Slade helped me. And you helped me, too."
"I did? How?"
"You just did. As much as it hurt when you left, and as easy as it would have been to let the guilt eat me alive and rob me of any happiness I had in my life, what kind of man would that have made me when you came back? A bitter and angry one. Then I'd have to get through the pain of losing you twice. I knew that, because I knew you'd be back, someday. This is your home."
Her jaw trembled and her eyes filled with tears as she stared at me, taking in my words. My heart felt like I had ripped my chest open and left it out on the table for people to stare at like the sideshow of a circus. I had never been this raw with anyone before. It hurt to even meet her eyes, but I knew I couldn't look away. Finally, she did, burying her face in my shirt and soaking it with her tears. I rubbed her back gently and murmured words of unintelligible solace in her ear.
When she looked up at me again, with puffy cheeks and red-rimmed eyes, she smiled. "Will you help me? And maybe I can try to help you, in return? Like each other's accountability partners?"
Smiling, I held out my hand in front of me and waited for her to shake it. "I'd like that, baby girl, I'd like that a lot."
She shook my hand, and I offered her a bandanna from my back pocket to wipe her eyes. When she handed it back to me, I took her hand in mine. " Now, let's go see about a horse, shall we?"
