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I roll my eyes, "It was a joke. I was joking."
"Do you think about doing that?" she probes.
"No," I slap my hands on my thighs.“I was joking."I brought the conversation back to Andrew...again.
Give her what she wants to hear if you don’t want to be put on a psychiatric hold.
No more jokes. "I don’t want to see his face. I don’t want to bring conversations back to Andrew's memory every time I think or speak. That’s a goal I’d like to have," the truth of it settling like a weight in my stomach.
"Those are excellent starts," Dr. Peterson smiles genuinely this time. "Remember, Poppy, you’re not alone in this. We’ll take it one step at a time."
"I’d rather just take a big jump and be done with it."Oh, fuck, she’s misunderstood me again."I don’t mean like that." I close my eyes, keeping them sealed shut. "I meant I want to be fixed and fast. I don’t want to talk about the past and rehash it."
"I get it. It’s tough, but isn’t taking one big step and not baby ones what you did in the past?" she observes.
"What do you mean?" I frown as I open my eyes.
She crosses her legs. "You ran, you took a big step, you made a huge life change instead of confronting your past. It didn’t work out so well, Poppy. How about we not repeat our mistakes? Baby steps. Let’s talk; let’s heal so you can move on."
Chapter 53
Julian
"Don't drop it," I hiss to myself as I try to balance the catered food and open my car door. I wedge the bags between my body and my SUV, struggling to reach the door handle and get it open. By the time I get into the car, I look like the ringmaster of a three-ring circus, myself and the food still in one piece.
My phone rings.
Can't I get one second?
I glance down and see Dad’s name. I almost hit the decline button but think better of it.
“Hey, Dad. Happy Thanksgiving?” I greet.
For the next five minutes, he asks me how Poppy is doing and how I'm doing. The truth is, I have no idea how she’s doing. She’s talking, finally. That’s progress, Dr. Peterson says.
The problem is, I don’t believe half of what she says. I think she’s just telling us what we want to hear. She realized she couldn’t push us away. Those weeks when she never spoke, never uttered a word—that was torture. I’d rather be a POW than endure watching her silently suffer.
Poppy knows no matter how far she retreats into herself, we're all going to stay. So now she’s trying to say the things she thinks she should. But when she thinks no one is watching, I see it—the darkness, the stain Andrew left when he shot himself in front of her.
How do I protect her mind when I can't seem to get inside and fight off all her demons physically?
“Well, make sure Kent doesn’t drink too much,” Dad jokes. He really wanted us all to be together, but given the circumstances, he understands. Kent flew into town to be with us, but he can’t stay for long because he’s covering for me as CEO. I hope he likes the new job because, to be honest, I don’t want to return. My heart is with Poppy, and right now, my heart is very sick. She needs all my attention and time.
Dad clears his throat.“I, um, hope you all can join us for Christmas.” By us, he means him and his girlfriend—the woman he kept secret from us.“I’d like you all to meet Elsie. She wishes you were here, but she understands.”
Elsie. He’s never told me her name before.
I swallow,“Yeah, Dad. I would like that.” And I would. The problem is, I don’t think it will be this Christmas. I might finally be able to take Poppy home, but I don’t think she’s ready for situations like that. I’ll have to run it by Dr. Peterson.
“I gotta go,” I say.“I love you.”
“Love you too, son. Give my best to Poppy.”
“Will do,” I reply, then I hang up.
I don’t know how I get from the caterers to the hospital. I just make it there in one piece, slightly over the speed limit, I’m sure. I can’t stand to be without Poppy. It makes me feel sick like something bad will happen.
Dr.Peterson can see it. She tried to corner me, but I wanted her to focus all her energy on healing Poppy. I can handle myself.
