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Oh, yes, I fell in love with Carson on that cruise. Why else would I have slept with him? He thinks I betrayed my wedding vows, but I know I didn’t. I lift my chin.
I remember the frantic ride to the hospital. Graham was so sick when I arrived. It wasn’t until three days later that he was coherent enough to sense that something was off with me.
He was so kind; even as weak as he was, he knew I was hurting.
When he asked me what happened on the cruise, I was hesitant to tell him. I knew he’d insist that I leave him and go after Carson. ‘Follow your heart,’ he would have advised me. But I couldn’t do that to Graham. He had no one else. No one to care for him. He was so weak those last few years. Ultimately, I had to hire someone to help me lift him, and even then, it was hard. So hard. My heart aches for how the illness devastated his body.
Dear kind-hearted Graham. I blink away my tears. I miss him; he was such a good person. He didn’t deserve to die the way he did. Nobody does.
“Mom?” My son’s voice stringent voice penetrates the fog of memories.
I look up, startled to see two pairs of eyes looking at me expectantly. I feel the blush as it covers my cheeks, “Sorry, I missed what you said.”
My son gets a slight look of concern, “That’s okay.” He turns toward Carson, “She sometimes misses Graham,” he explains with a preteen shrug. Not recognizing the instant tension in the room as Carson’s face turns harsh. An unreadable expression crosses his face as his cold eyes meet mine.
Carson abruptly turns away, leaving Connor to ask again. “Do you want to watch Galaxy Quest or Jimungi?”
“Really? You even have to ask?” I say, a teasing note in my voice.
My son heaves a heavy sigh filled with disappointment as he turns around and tells Carson, “I told you she’d pick Galaxy Quest. It’s one of her favorites.”
I hear Carson say as I step into the living room, “That’s fine, we’ll watch Jumanji tomorrow.” He promises Connor with a wink.
As Carson brings up the movie, Connor looks over a me, “Can we have popcorn?”
“Connor, you just finished dinner. Aren’t you still full from the pizza?”
“But Mom, we’re watching a movie,” he whines as he gives me a look as if I’m depriving him of sustenance. “We always have popcorn when we watch a movie.”
I glance at Carson, hoping for backup, but he only lifts his eyebrows and says, “I have microwave popcorn.”
“Fine, I’m obviously outnumbered,” I mutter as I mock frown and go back into the kitchen. Carson yells, “It’s in the cabinet above the refrigerator.” I stand, looking up at the cabinet, then I look around for a step stool.
I walk back into the living room, “I can’t reach the cabinet, and there’s no step stool.” I say simply.
Carson’s eyes roam over me without comment, and he strides into the kitchen. When I walk in behind him, he’s pulled down two boxes of popcorn. “We’ll have to find a different place for these.”
He opens another tall cabinet and retrieves two bowls from the top shelf that look perfect for popcorn and hands them to me. Before he heads back to the living room, he grabs a cold beer for himself and a root beer for Connor. He places a root beer on the counter for me, then leaves me to fix the popcorn. I give a secret smile. He remembered I like root beer.
Nine
Carson
The bedside lamp casts long shadows on the wall as I again stay by Connor’s bedside while he falls asleep.
I try to shake off my mixed feelings. I’m not used to the emotional roller coaster I’ve been on since Connor stepped into my life. My lips twist in a self-deprecating grimace. Not just Connor but Anna as well.
When she didn’t answer Connor’s call, he raced into the kitchen to ask her. When she looked up with tears glistening in her eyes, I felt a powerful urge to comfort her. The feeling coursed through me, but years of self-preservation held me back. She looked like she was hurting, and I couldn’t believe how much I wanted to soothe away her pain.
Then, when Connor so casually explained she was missing Graham, his words cut through me like a sharp knife. Graham. Her ex-husband is the constant elephant in the room. A silent ghost who will always stand between us. A barrier that I almost welcome, as I don’t want to let down my defenses when I’m around her.
However, she’s right that we need to call a truce for Connor’s sake. My son is my number one priority right now. My eyes rove over him again as I feel what is now becoming a familiar tightening in my chest.
I lean down and adjust the covers. I owe it to my son to try and make peace with his mother. And I smile as I think of my mother. My lips turn up into a wide smile as I imagine her reaction once she hears the news of her grandson.
I have to tell my brothers as well. It was the truth that I wanted to keep Connor’s existence to myself for a while. All these emotions are like a battering ram, shoving me one way then another. These past few days - a far cry from my orderly routines.
I give a silent laugh as I close Connor’s bedroom door. Even with all the chaos, I feel like there’s a newfound purpose in my life—a new beginning.
