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I'm invisible still, and I think...
I think it's almost funny how the one thing that saved me from being murdered is about to become the reason I'll die this time.
Oh...well.
It was good while it lasted.
And so I close my eyes as I fall into the water.
My lungs start to burn.
I wait to join my parents in Heaven.
But I don't.
Three
TWO, YES, TWO.
Two things hit me as soon as it became clear someone had jumped and dived right after me, and my unknown savior had now wrapped his fingers around my wrist in a grip so secure I could practically hear him commanding me tolive.
And that's thefirstthing I realized.
All these years, I hadn't even known I had lost my will to live. Or that I was only going through the motions because I didn'tcareabout anything.
I had even convinced myself that I had no dreams, no gloriously burning ambitions for the future because I was a girl with simple needs and that I was content.
Oh, Cat, you liar.
It was only when the water had swallowed me whole that I realized to my shock I had absolutely no desire to save myself.
How could you not know?
I was lying to myself all this time.
And if I weren't so sure that suicide was a sin, and Hell was real, I would have probably killed myself way, way back.
Why, God, why?
I hadn't realized that I was being passive-aggressive with God, and I had been blaming Him all these years.
Why didn't You just let me die with my parents so we can be together in Heaven?
Why force me to live in a world where I'm invisible?
Why make me live when I have nothing and no one to live for?
And the answer to all of these questions is suddenly clear, just so painstakingly clear as a strong pair of arms wrap around me, and I'm carried all the way to the surface.
I'm sorry, God.
I still don't understand why You've let me live, but I get it now.
To live is a gift that You alone can give, and so thank You.
Thank You, God.
If I weren't the way You made me—-
