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“Are you done now?” Ellie’s tone has my spine straightening.
“What?”
“It’s rare for us to disagree on anything, but right now, I think I want to punch you. Do you even hear yourself? That’s not a rhetorical question either. Did you truly listen to the words you just spouted?”
“Of course, I listened. I said them. What are you getting at?”
“That you’re being an idiot. Nolan loves you, and he loves Cody just as much. What he did was for you. Not in spite of you. You’re drowning, Katie. I can hear it in your voice. Not to mention the tirade you just spewed over something you should be grateful for, not mad at. This is too much for one person to handle on their own. Why are you pushing away the people who could help you? At first, I figured you were too overwhelmed to reach out yet. That would’ve been understandable, but after what you said, I know you’re just being stubborn. Set your pride to the side and ask for help, Katie, because we want to help you, dammit.”
My legs give out, and I fall to the bed with a bounce. Silence rings between us as Ellie’s words begin to sink in deep.
“Talk to me, Katie. What’s really going on?” The softness in her voice makes me break. Everything I’ve been pushing aside comes bubbling out, and I start sobbing into the phone. “Oh, honey. I love you so much. We’ll figure this out, okay? Take a deep breath for me.”
It takes me a few minutes to get myself together before I’m able to speak coherently. “I’m so fucking scared, Ell. I don’t know what to do. I’m making lists of shit I don’t understand. Hell, I’m not even sure half of it’s even necessary. But I don’t know what else to do. My brain is telling me that the minute I let go of the control, everything will fall apart, and I’ll lose Cody.”
“And yet, you’re pushing him away anyway. You just said you hadn’t had a chance to talk to him about his day. You guys always talk about your days when you get home from school. Hell, you usually start on the drive home.”
I shake my head at myself. “You’re right. I haven’t spent any time with him this past week. I’ve been too focused on figuring out this court stuff.” Thank God Nolan has been here to pick up my slack. Ugh, I was such a bitch to him when he’s been amazing this whole week. My silent sentry, standing by my side. He doesn’t deserve the way I’ve been treating him. But I don’t know how to let him in or ask him for help. It makes me feel weak to need him. I’ve never needed anyone, so instead of being a team, I’ve just used him to pick up the tasks I never even asked him to do.
“Well, you won’t need to worry as much about the custody stuff. Adam just told me he forwarded you two different names. They both come highly recommended and are expecting your call. Once you make a choice, everything is already set up for them to jump into your case.”
“Tell him thank you.” The resignation in my voice must be apparent.
“It’s okay to lean on your family to help you. It doesn’t make you weak or a bad mom or whatever other negative thing you want to say about yourself. You have resources that would be idiotic to pass up.”
I huff. “Stop reading my mind.”
“Oh, good! I’ve been practicing my witchy tricks.” The grin in Ellie’s voice is obvious. It brings a small smile to my face for the first time since I was served the custody papers.
“Mom?” Cody’s hesitant voice has that smile dropping again.
“Hey, baby. You can come in. I’m talking to Auntie Ellie.”
His sweet little face appears in the doorway. I have to bite the inside of my cheek at the look on his face. He’s so unsure of my mood that he has no idea what to do. I fucking suck. “Um, Nolan ordered us tacos for dinner, and I think they’re at the door.”
“Okay, I’ll be right behind you.” I turn my attention back to Ellie. “I need to go. Thanks for the wake-up call.”
“Anytime. Give Cody a hug and a kiss for me.”
“I will.” We hang up the phone, and I follow Cody to the living room. The delivery guy hands me the food, and I take it to the kitchen. Every step only seems to make me feel worse. Despite being awful to Nolan, he still bought us dinner. I pull out the contents, laughing when I find a large margarita in a plastic to-go bag. It looks like a juice pouch. All I need to add is a straw.
“Are you still mad at Nolan?” Cody asks. I put together a plate for him before I answer.
“No, I’m not. I’m sorry you had to hear us fighting like that. I’m sorry for a lot of things. I haven’t been a good mom this week. You deserve a lot better than that.”
“You’ve been a good mom, just not in the same way as usual. I know you’re doing your best.”
Tears pool in my eyes. “Oh, sweet boy.” I move around the island to hug Cody. When his arms wrap around me in a tight hold, I know I fucked up beyond what I thought. “You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. I’ve made a lot of mistakes this week, but I swear I’m going to make it right, okay?”
“Okay, Mom. Can I eat now?”
I laugh, letting him go. “Yeah.” I make my own plate of food, scarfing it down as if I haven’t eaten in a week. To be fair, my diet has been lackluster at best. When I’ve drunk half the margarita and eaten all my tacos, I find the courage to text Nolan. I’d normally want to call him in a situation like this, but since he’s working, I’ll have to settle for the next best thing.
Katie:
Thank you for taking care of us even when I’m making it hard on you. I’m seeing things straight now and would like to talk if you’re up for it tonight when you get home.
He doesn’t message back right away, which is probably for the best. I’d rather he not respond without thought, especially if he’s mad at me.
